Army August 2022

[mollyka]

Good morning...and its August...Benjy and Starty and Rusters....discussion from earlier....over here ;-)

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Thank you so much for sharing that Starts. I wasn't aware that your MrS was bad. Did he just stop ? Or get help ?
YS is a complete mess when drinking.
He doesn't go out & have a jolly time in the pub and sometimes drink too much and be annoying like his Dad.
He goes to Aldi & buys vodka & drinks it alone in his room.
If we were in the way he's not averse to sitting outside somewhere & drinking. I saw a letter from the Guards with a fine for drunk & disorderly in our village main street.
I have my suspicion that when he had no money he doctored hand sanitiser to drink that. Something he heard in rehab i think. Just like someone in jail learning new tricks.

His room is now a pig sty. Plates of food debris everywhere. Wine stains on the bed sheets & he doesn't seem to see any of it. Sleeps in the bed and steps over the pieces of food.
Does not shower or even brush his teeth.

This is the same person who just 5 days ago was showering every morning , working from home from 8am, going to AA meetings then vacuumed the whole place 'cos his sister was coming to stay.
Therein lies my problem when dealing with him - I KNOW how he is when sober and the hope is always there that if we can only get him sober again that maybe THIS time it will stick.

But I am now realizing slowly that he is beyond my help - he LIKES drinking. When the opportunity is there he will drink. He will try not to but he will drink.

Yes, Mr S had an issue for a few years. It got worse. And over that time there was tears, reasoning, determination and all the other bollix that we all come out with.

And yes, he would stop for periods, but then something or nothing would happen and off he would go again. Bit like me good self.

BUT, when it comes to HAVING to have that drink, drinking and driving, nearly burning the house down and putting us (me and the dogs) at risk. Plus, I grew up with an alcoholic father and I just couldn't absolutely couldn't go through it again. Of course like you, I cajoled, helped and tried to make his life as easy as I could and offered understanding and support. However, you know as well as I do, unless WE want to, it won't happen.

I gave him an ultimatum to seek help from the doctor or our friend who lives up the road who has been in AA for 30 odd years. So he stopped, and every day he would speak to Martin privately without me around. And since around April 2020 he hasn't had a drink and is happy as far as I can see. Lots has changed, his job, his weight (4st gone) his attitude. He now takes an interest in his health etc and us. Its taken him a long time to make friends with the dogs who he walks nearly every day too. At first, one of them just didn't want to go out with him and he had to build a relationship with him. That was partly due to his job and travelling etc but essentially, he hadn't really walked them for years. Its all very different now.

I think you know that deep down nothing you do will change his life, it all has to come from his own desire.

I am so sorry you are going through this, its the worst thing in the world

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Oops it was 2019 when Mr S took his last drink not 2020!! That's very important

[rustop59]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning everyone

Very important indeed Starty. You really have been through the ringer. Glad it is working now with Mr S. I wasn’t given an ultimatum it was something that I wanted to do for myself but again YS needs to want it and he doesn’t seem to have reached that stage yet. Don’t know if an ultimatum would work with him when he is actively drinking, my heart goes out to you.

Read somewhere that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. Very true. Just back from the airport, daughter on her way back to Norway. She’s not sure if she is going to stay there or not, time will tell. Beautiful sunny morning here, enjoy the bank holiday, those of you who have it.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Thanks as always everyone for the great support ! :hug: I dunno who I'd talk to if ye weren't here.

He got up and left this morning - I don't know where he went ....... no doubt first stop buy a cure.
I understand what he does more than he'll ever know.

All I feel now is relief .....
have cleaned the pig-sty. (again)

[JackieClaire]

Re: Army August 2022

[MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION]........:hug:......I'm so sorry you're going through this shit again. You must be living off your nerves.................look after yourself first for a change. At our age we shouldn't be looking after a belligerent grownup behaving like child.
Sooner he goes to Limerick (or wherever you said) the better. I know you love him but you don't like him when he's drinking.

[IamMary]

Re: Army August 2022

So sorry Satz, your heart is broken, it's just a vicious circle of hope, despair, hope.. Is he definitely still going to Limerick? Is it time to cut him off anyway? I'm saying that and I'm not sure if I could do it.

Thanks for the Ghealtacht explanation Molly, it's all about the first snog! Same as you Rustop, middle child loves it, eldest refused.
Youngest and her cousin are on their first solo trip to galway, they went off on the bus this morning (to my brothers), feeling v independent. Both 13, pretending to be 16 (on the bus) :haha:

Hope hrt is the answer [MENTION=22456]starty[/MENTION]. The menopause has a lot to answer for. Most of my friends felt a difference in the first month.

Molly, I am slightly hopeful now that my 18 year old son is just in his pigsty phase. His girlfriend does a tidy from time to time. Drives me nuts!

[IamMary]

Re: Army August 2022

Just thinking about Startys email to MrS, [MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION].. I know you've laid it out to him before.. could you re do it. On the lines of.. there will always be a home here, but we can't cope with this anymore. If you drink, do it outside this house. Stay here but don't bring a drop of alcohol passed the front door.
He's just going to hit the streets I know, but your not kicking him out, just making like a bit more tolerable for you.
No lock on his door. No expectation of privacy.
I donno, it's a rock and a hard place.

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Menopause is shite Mary. Much easier loaded up with codeine! However, I can no longer live like that so gotta deal with the tricky bits I guess.

Actually I think it was a text I sent that was typed out in an email. It was bloody long anyway. It was quite therapeutic and I got everything out in a cool calm way that I would never have been able to do face to face. I knew I had to stand by my decision and I put the ball completely in his court. Once I hit send, no going back and it was scary waiting for a response. I think it helped him too because all the drama was removed and we both knew in the cold light of day exactly where we stood. I found it strangely calming to make a decision rather than the panic and distress of what ifs.

I think that no matter how much we love someone, we have to save ourselves first (I am not a parent so these are my thoughts on my situation)

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

Evening all...the ravenning hoards have returned home so peace and quiet returns...I'm in the bed exhausted ...hope some compromise arrangement can be reached in the Benjy household...night all xxxx

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

I text earlier & he said as [MENTION=7008]JackieClaire[/MENTION] aptly put it : a belligerent grownup behaving like child. "on my way to Limerick to new job as was the plan"
God in heaven spare me from the stupidity of that.

They'll take one look at him & show him the door.

He is delusional.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Just thinking about Startys email to MrS, @satz123.. I know you've laid it out to him before.. could you re do it. On the lines of.. there will always be a home here, but we can't cope with this anymore. If you drink, do it outside this house. Stay here but don't bring a drop of alcohol passed the front door.
He's just going to hit the streets I know, but your not kicking him out, just making like a bit more tolerable for you.
No lock on his door. No expectation of privacy.
I donno, it's a rock and a hard place.

Thanks Mers but it won't work. I've done it - but he just kept denying he was drinking in his room. And I just got pissed off.
When we confront him he just runs away like a bold child.
MrS doesn't confront as such - just rants & raves which get no-one anywhere. I have to calm him & YS takes this as me siding with him. FFS !!

I text him & told him he was at a crossroads today. It was up to him what way this latest story would end.
In my opinion he needs serious help in the form of addiction treatment - he cannot do it alone.
He can come back when he asks for help. Otherwise he'll have to stay away.

I can't believe you have an 18 year old Mers with a G/F :shocked:
I still imagine yours are all kiddies.

[lifechange]

Re: Army August 2022

hi Army,

gosh, what a lot going on.. i am sometimes not sure where i should post.. i've always posted in the Nest but it's sometimes a problem that we're all in different time zones.. here, you're all just an hour behind me and you post more often.. But, you all have years of sobriety, whereas i'm still unfortunately struggling.. makes me sick. literally, thinking of the time i'm wasting, the lives i'm negatively affecting.. my girls, my partner, my good friends, work.. i drank last Tuesday at work because i didn't think i could get through.. i was depressed and without inspiration and the thought came to me, there's alcohol in the basement (the carpenters always have something for special occasions), i could just have a shot or two to hike up my energy.. and just the thought gave me energy, which i should have taken.. but i drank and felt immediately better.... the next day i thought, f***, i was doing so well. lots of tears.. i thought i'd just subtract that day and move on, pretend it hadn't happened.. i couldn't imagine beginning again at day 1.. but of course, that never works.. the point is that i have to deal with the feelings i had on the day i "wanted" to drink and NOT drink to move on to the next level, to strengthen myself, to learn other ways to handle all the emotions that come up in life.. because i didn't do that, i drank again on Saturday morning, of all times.. and then i didn't know how to come back here.. i have tried aa without a lot of success.. a bit how YS is described is how i feel.. i don't know that anything will work with me.. though i do WANT it most of the time, i haven't figured out why i don't want it enough to stay sober.?
i've had ultimatums before, but thought at the time, i'm drinking to escape the relationship, so once i'm moved out it will be better.. but it isn't. maybe for awhile, but i'm drinking to try and escape my shit. last night i couldn't sleep at all and i tried to just stay with the discomfort and emptiness, a hole i felt in my heart.. it worked and the breathing enabled me to stay out of complete panic..
sigh.. Satz, i'm in the opposite situation as you.. my girls would love to see me sober.. they were so proud of me at 30 days and continue to believe no matter how often i let them down.. they still need me and i'm not able to assure them that i can be reliable or do what i say i'm going to do.. there is nothing worse than that..
i'm not really sure how to move forward.. but i definitely get inspiration here and think that at some point i'll get it..
i don't really have a chance at finding therapy here.. which could be what i need.. but when i read of Starty's husband i still think i might get it.. it feels so close..
sorry if i bring you all down.. i want to be a success story.. not this continual relapser.

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Hi LC, I am sorry you are down. I have to say I totally get that feeling of the thought of reaching for a drink/drug giving energy. Especially after a period of sobriety. I would have the thought eg go to the chemist, then be absolutely buzzing all the way there and getting my fix. Its our head looking for a way to change how we feel. As we have only really learned that substances do that, we reach for what is the most comforting. For me, I had to feel those horrible feelings of failure to move forwards. Oh and I have done it again and again and again. You will "get it" Im sure. It comes across as something that you really want so there is no doubt that it will happen for you. Keep moving forwards. Try and learn what those little triggers are. Like how you felt at work before you decided to drink. See if you can put something in place to mitigate those moments. Then find what inspires you to stay off it. I found reading stories of addiction really helpful. Seeing how bad it really can get helps me to stay off. And the other thing, is helping others. The little group I am in for codeine is great because there are some newbies that I can share my experience with and also some that are further ahead than me. It helps.

You absolutely don't bring anything down. This place is here for support when its good bad and ugly.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

You absolutely don't bring anything down. This place is here for support when its good bad and ugly.

Hi Elsie :hug::hug:
EVERYTHING Starts said - much better than I ever could. And ESPECIALLY the last bit. You are bringing NOTHING down. It's why we're bloody here.
We may be upbeat a lot of the time and think we've got life sorted - but we haven't.
And we may have years of sobriety but we NEVER forget where we started in this and have complete empathy with anyone struggling.

So this is the place to post Elsie - we have your back ....... we're here to listen always.
The two sides of the spectrum : of you and your girls and me and YS is a brilliant insight for both of us.

Thanks for posting today :hug: