It's my turn

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

I feel like crap, tired, my brain is mush and I'm thirsty as hell. I'm on my 4th glass of water in one hour. Tonight is going to be a big challenge in that vodka would easily erase these crummy feelings.

I did something completely unplanned and unexpected. I called an old college buddy and told him of my decision to go AF. He was a hell raiser and at an early age had to go AF and has been for over 15 years. He was surprised yet understanding. I guess instinctively I knew I needed solid ground to reach out to and he will be my mentor in my journey. I feel a bit selfish for burdening him with my weakness yet at the same time know in my heart he can make a huge difference in my success. I find this new responsibility over my own actions to be strange, almost foreign in that I have to now carefully plan out my activities so to distract my urges to drink. One step at a time...

[Mackeral]

It's my turn

First off 4theboyz..Welcome

Congratulations for making this decision..Its all to easy to put this off till tomorrow or the next day..There is nothing selfish in relying on your buddy as a mentor..As your name suggests..This is not just for you..As a father myself i know when i drink i'm not there for them nearly enough..

I am wishing you the best of luck and courage..

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Greetings to you Mackeral!

Tonight was interesting. Now I see more clearly part of why I drank when I came home after work. My skin was crawling in anticipation of both the drink and chaos that was soon to ensue. To say home life is chaotic is unfair, for the most part it's quite normal I'm sure, though a sick wife, an 8 and 11 yr old are pretty good challenges under the best of circumstances.

I'm more relaxed now, things are quiet and I got through it all AF. Yeah! Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to the new feelings of alertness, I just pray for some sleep tonight. If not, this gorgeous red full moon eclipse will be eloquent company for my weary soul.

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Well the week went by fast in fact it all was pretty much a blur. Here it is Day 5 AF and after 25 years of having my liquid "blankey" to comfort me I feel vulnerable yet alive and determined as ever. My weekends have increasingly been sunrise to sunset vodkas and orange juice, vodka and coke and martinis before bed. This weekend is going to be a tough challenge for me. I know I will be tethered to MWO and am grateful y'all are here to find the encouragement I need.

[indiamike57]

It's my turn

4theboyz-

Welcome and congrats n making it though the week. I know it's been a tough one for I am/and have been in your shoes.

You mentioned "burdening" you firend with your "weakness". Oh, boy canI see me there. I am the one who aleys takes care of everyone else! why would I need help?!

As someone very, very wisely mentioned to me - "ITs not weakness, its selfcare and your selfcare means you will be there to take care of your self and loved ones."

Its a journey and many here have helped me. Absorb it, let the posts and your thoughts sink in.

If you can make to the next sunrise, :beach: it will only be better.

[kaddy]

It's my turn

just to say well done and good luck

[livingfree]

It's my turn

Right were you need to be

4theboyz
Congrats on your first big step --- your user name. I like it. Your doing it for your boys! That's awesome - at some point you will look in the mirror and say I'm going to do this for ME too and my boys will be huge beneficiaries! But first things first. I am proud of you and your early steps. Never ever discount them. These first days are the hardest, but we learn the most from them. I started a journal. The first days I was very Philosophical and spent lots of time in introspect on my life and the situation. A couple of weeks later I was cussing spewing and thinking that if someone read my journal they might put me in the nut hut!! But now I know that it's a great place (as well as this is) to just BE. Just Be what ever you need to be. No curtain to hide behind. You will get through it.
I know the journey is made easier when you know you are not alone - you are not alone! I just liked knowing that when I first started! I love reading the posts of those that are AF just ahead of me! Keep walking - 4 the boys!!! (and 4 you
Liv

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Yesterday was tough. Frickin insane to be honest.

It was my first Saturday AF and the many hundred Saturdays of my past came a knockin'. They tempted and teased my saying "resistance is futile" "just how long do you think you can keep this up"? All those glorious Saturday nights in college pounding beers with the gang, those intoxicating evenings while dating my wife, all those wonderful dinners having martinis good food and fine glass of Chablis! Shit the pull of those thought was strong *real* strong. Left me feeling a bit sad, scared and alone. I do miss those Saturdays my reward of a hard work week, doing the right things, being the good Dad, where I could finally kick back relax.

But I know I am leaving out *the* part. The part of the last 500 Saturday nights especially the last 100 where I was still up late at night alone with a tall glass of straight vodka, mindlessly taking sip after sip, and not even realizing I was refilling the glass, even at times saying to myself this is so wrong yet slurping it down with no remorse.

Hell I kept it all together - I think!? I've worked so hard this week to not drink so I earned a nice glass of wine Right? Noway mister. You are not in control and you have proven you are incapable of turning it off. Al has won that battle just forget about it.

I have a new life now that is going to be filled with new Saturdays, Sun, Mon etc. AF. It *is* sad for me to see the booze go, but if I don't let go now, I know I will risk loosing everything that I have now.

Oh, I forgot to mention I always started my Sunday mornings with a vodka and orange juice one of many throughout the day, today is going to be a looonnng day!

[anxious]

It's my turn

4theboyz:welcome:
You are in the right place. Still new here and having a hard time straightening up but I am determined this time and do see my attitude changing and not as much pull towards Al.
You deserve the best for your kids sake:h
It is so damn hard as you've just said I agree completely cuz the pull is so so strong, I am same as you but usually gin is my slurpy that I forget I'm still pouring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and drinking
Anxious

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Yes anxious, I am in the right place!

Day 8 - One week AF!!

I'm *sleeping* and I am elated and just out of my mind *happy*! Insomnia, sleep problems whatever was one main reason I drank. I'd drink my self to sleep every night. But it was never good sleep, I'd snore, wake up at 3 am and not be able to fall back asleep it was a mess. Anytime I'd try to cut back, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep and I'd be hitting the bottle at 1 am just so I could fall asleep. Naturally it was a horrible cycle and was taking me down hard.

I had to do something and I knew there was only one thing to do. I really did not know what to expect going AF, not sure of what I was/am really doing I just did what I knew I needed to do and I made it. One week ago I logged on here not knowing what MWO was, to me it was just a place I needed to hole up in while I gathered my thoughts and strength. I needed somewhere to be, a place to return to when the going got tough and it has been a God send for me. I know I'm just out of the gate and it will always be ODAT but I am grateful so thanks everybody!!!

[livingfree]

It's my turn

the first one is the roughest

4theboyz

Making in through the first weekend is the hardest. I "officially" quit drinking the week before I now call my "official" quit date (Jan. 1, 2008) because I did not make it through that first Saturday. I stopped drinking on Monday December 24th and made it to Saturday December 29th. That morning - I gave myself every pep talk in the world. I Journaled all the reasons why I would not drink that night. I was certain I would not - well - we had a big dinner party to go to - I had it all planned out - soda water and lime - which I did until we were seated at a table for 8 with only one other couple whom we did not know. As I watched them sip their wine, I poured myself a glass. Then another. and pretty soon I drank the whole bottle, and the other one. So you have NO IDEA HOW HUGE THIS IS CONGRATULATIONS!! (Well you do have some idea!

I was scared stiff the following Saturday - but once I made it through every one became a bit easier. I have created my own special drink on Saturday nights ... Club Soda mixed with grapefruit juice and a splash of V8 Fusion (it's a sweet vegetable/fruit juice mix - something new by V8). I even throw an olive in it for looks however the olive doesn't taste the same so don't eat it! The other cocktail I make myself is the V8 Fusion (plum) in a big wine glass. It isn't as sweet as plain juice and it satisfies the "what about me" while I watch my husband drink his whatever he's drinking for the night! (He's actually cutting down lately and I believe it's my sleep learning cd at night, as he has NO intention of quitting his 2-3 drink habit!)

It really does get easier each week. By this Saturday I will be at 61 days AF (although I've promised myself not to count them until they are behind me) so .... as of yesterday I am 55 days AF! You stay on that track boy! You just stay on that track with BOLDNESS and PASSION!!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Thanks so much LF,

This is starting to make some sense to me and yours and all the other encouragement here is icing on the cake.

Speaking of "cocktails" my treat Saturday was a Pomegranate/Currant juice 50/50 with Tonic water over ice and is yummy and straight up in a wine glass is surprisingly a grand substitution for the real deal.

[Sunbeam]

It's my turn

Hey 4theboyz,
I am in the crowd cheering you on. It is such a struggle, and so worth it!

[4theboyz]

It's my turn

Day 12 - Change

I really love how I feel when I wake up now. I'm sleeping like a baby and my days are much more engaging for me.

Time for change.

Nobody here knows me, I'm not so sure now being AF that I really know me. I know I exist, but I am also starting to become aware of "things". Things that are real in my life. Issues, triggers, things I love things I hate.

Boys don't cry my mom used to say. Of course real men don't cry either. Well guess what, that add's up to one shit load of emotions I have had to carry around for quite a while. I'm not simply saying I need a good cry and everything will be better cause it is going to take a hell of a lot more than tears to clean up my emotional laundry basket I have been dragging around for so many years.

I'd also like to think this going AF will mean I will no longer make excuses, no longer make mistakes and always do the right thing. Naw, that's a perfect world and I know I don't live on that street.

My Gods these emotions I'm feeling are raw, electric, like a 90 mph fast ball coming straight at me and I just want to jump out of the way. I will take a deep breath, many deep breaths, fix my gaze on the horizon and move forward one step at a time, one emotion at a time, one day at a time.

[cpn1004]

It's my turn

4theboyz:
I know exactly what you mean. I am pretty sure I drink to hide and not deal with my emotions. I am now in my 4th day AF and feeling great. The most days I've had is 19 and that was last year. I am going for 30 right now and then see what happens. For some great insight on being sober read "xtexan" 's post. You can find them in Long Term Abs. and elsewhere. He is about 1000 days sober and has written about the journey. Good for you on your efforts.
Love and Peace,
Phil