Hi anyone,
This is my first post, as a newcomer to this site.
I am 21, my mother was an extreeme alcoholic, but she could go months with out, but when she drank she could go at it for days on end and seemed almost at deaths door with uncohearant body language and speech. - my mother -was 62
She died on november 20 last year (2005) as a result of a 4 day binge and more than 7 litres of white wine, and a combination of heart medication (which she took to stop her heart palpitating too fast) so in effect if she took enough it would slow her heart down to a stop.
She had attempted this before back in 1999, but she came and told me that she did so and i rang emergancy and saved her life.
ever since....
I was drinking and smoking marijuana on a regular basis with my friends after this first suicide attempt, with no consequences apart from getting away from her drunkeness.
But since then my social life has deteriorated, my circle of friends is down to 2.
I dont have a zest for life.
I do not go out any more, i dont want to work or study - which i really regret, it just seems my lust for life has completlely died out over the past 4 months.
In May last year our old house burnt to the ground,
I would only find out a few months later that they could not determine the start of the blaze..
It was me, a bong i did not rip through, volcanoed in to my bottom drawer that i did not see, left the room and "blaze"
yes you can say lucky no one died, but i mean dosent mean much too me nowadays.
I average about 4.6 litres of beer a day now,
I live in my mothers house, alone paying her bills some how with the help of my 2 sisters but this cant go on forever and i fear i will end up on the streets.
I never pictured this happening "to me"
Suicide is not an option, something about my mother doing it has rendered this alternative useless and unsatisfying.
But it is just as hard to get the motivation to get the ball rolling again - something to do, a career a job...
I am just writing on this site because i believe i am in the right zone now for quitting all this .... everything.
if i could i would become a zen bhuddist monk
I just dont ever see me getting that "childhood" sense of joy and almost obliviousness that comes with being straight.
Thank you for reading all the way down to here, I am unsure where to go in life, and I am so young, as ppl keep telling me,
As you can tell i am not a person of lower intelligence despite all the brain cells i have been killing.
I am currently enrolled in a drug and alcohol rehabilitiation program. which is due to commence in 2 weeks from this day,
Although i dont know if this will ultimatley stamp out my need for self medication....
Feed back most welcome.
los,
This is my first post, as a newcomer to this site.
I am 21, my mother was an extreeme alcoholic, but she could go months with out, but when she drank she could go at it for days on end and seemed almost at deaths door with uncohearant body language and speech. - my mother -was 62
She died on november 20 last year (2005) as a result of a 4 day binge and more than 7 litres of white wine, and a combination of heart medication (which she took to stop her heart palpitating too fast) so in effect if she took enough it would slow her heart down to a stop.
She had attempted this before back in 1999, but she came and told me that she did so and i rang emergancy and saved her life.
ever since....
I was drinking and smoking marijuana on a regular basis with my friends after this first suicide attempt, with no consequences apart from getting away from her drunkeness.
But since then my social life has deteriorated, my circle of friends is down to 2.
I dont have a zest for life.
I do not go out any more, i dont want to work or study - which i really regret, it just seems my lust for life has completlely died out over the past 4 months.
In May last year our old house burnt to the ground,
I would only find out a few months later that they could not determine the start of the blaze..
It was me, a bong i did not rip through, volcanoed in to my bottom drawer that i did not see, left the room and "blaze"
yes you can say lucky no one died, but i mean dosent mean much too me nowadays.
I average about 4.6 litres of beer a day now,
I live in my mothers house, alone paying her bills some how with the help of my 2 sisters but this cant go on forever and i fear i will end up on the streets.
I never pictured this happening "to me"
Suicide is not an option, something about my mother doing it has rendered this alternative useless and unsatisfying.
But it is just as hard to get the motivation to get the ball rolling again - something to do, a career a job...
I am just writing on this site because i believe i am in the right zone now for quitting all this .... everything.
if i could i would become a zen bhuddist monk
I just dont ever see me getting that "childhood" sense of joy and almost obliviousness that comes with being straight.
Thank you for reading all the way down to here, I am unsure where to go in life, and I am so young, as ppl keep telling me,
As you can tell i am not a person of lower intelligence despite all the brain cells i have been killing.
I am currently enrolled in a drug and alcohol rehabilitiation program. which is due to commence in 2 weeks from this day,
Although i dont know if this will ultimatley stamp out my need for self medication....
Feed back most welcome.
los,
- It helps when you are broke
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