The Beast is still here...

[Guest]

The Beast is still here...

Don,
I've had this discussion with you before.. I can only talk from what happened with me... and for me drinking is about escaping emotion. For me its when I am less perfect than I think I am.. or its when I dont live up to my own expectations and my own expectations are just too bloody high (I'd say).

Of course, you are a different person with a different set of circumstances. Maybe (I'm only guessing here) you want to be 'normal' and you see 'normal' as being able to have a few drinks... maybe this is an issue for you still.. (sorry if I'm off the mark here).. Anyway, this is something that plays with my mind on occasion.. but for me learning to be myself sober has meant that I've had to come to terms with this aspect of myself. I simply do not drink a few drinks. It just does not happen. If I drink, that buzz leads me inescapably to blackout. That is my honesty. Sure, I reckon I could try it once and fool myself, but I know where it leads me. That is what honest sobriety is.. realizing this fact.

Seems like you are holding onto your honesty.. so keep at it and dont give in. You know how it is when you read about people starting out here and how hard they find it... and you will them to succeed.. well you know what it takes to get sober.. you know how hard it is.. why give up on the work you have put in so far? I can see no reason.

You will get there Don.

And hi Louise.. I see you are going well tooxx
Brigid

[IAD]

The Beast is still here...

Yes the Beast is still around. He will never leave. We must always tame the savage beast the rest of our lives.......Hang in their we can do it ! IAD.

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

Darn the Beast!!!

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

Don,

I can see no reason to give in to the Beast.

Damn, I am looking through one eye. It sucks.

But I can do this and so can you.

I Love you HUGELY,
Cindi

[wonderworld]

The Beast is still here...

Don -

I hear you romancing the drink. Get the beast's foot out of the door.

The romance, played out, looks like this: You take a drink. Oh yes - you get that AHHHhhhh.... . It's good! Everything melts away. The knot in your head from thinking about this (and everything else!). And this bliss lasts......... about a half hour. You will then spend the rest of the night, and possibly the next x number of days, weeks, months, years, chasing that AHHHHHhhhhh. You will not get it back. You may die trying. And tomorrow you will wake up feeling like dog shit on your own shoe - physically, mentally and spiritually.

AND, you talked about life changing as a non-drinker. Has it changed enough to suit your new sober self? When I first quit drinking, I thought the idea was to "do" my life as before, just without alcohol. But I changed so much, as you said. And deeper down - not just the habit of drinking. I have no problem being in drinking situations, but it is just not the same. And it doesn't have to be. There's so much more to this journey. "fun" doesn't mean what it used to, exactly. Maybe Brigid's mention of longing for "normal" is in here too. Maybe you're grieving the loss of your old lifestyle (self) a little. And wondering where to go from here?

You are in your own uncharted territory. That doesn't mean lost! You're longing for or a drink as a remedy.
Navy Man - break out your navigation equipment and don't panic! Explore!

Much love ww xox

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Yes, you are all right....

As you know, I flew as aircrew in the Navy for 20 years....I'm just looking at this as I'm flying through a major thunderstorm....I'm right in the middle of it and I have 2 choices....I turn around and go back to day 1, knowing I have to fly through that storm again, or....I keep flying, using all my training and assets available to me to get through the storm....

And WW...yes I do very much remember chasing that initial buzz....

You guys are great.... I'm o.k.....I'm not in any kind of panic mode.....it's just something I'm having to deal with all of a sudden...

It's funny though, since posting and reading your responses, I feel energized.....it's like my mind is processing all these thoughts...both the irrational thoughts of taking a drink, along with the very rational and loving thoughts of all of you, and my mind is acting like a computer....delete this....download that....lol

I'm glad to be here...

Don

[wonderworld]

The Beast is still here...

so....... you're in a bad storm and can't see shit, it's IFR and your instruments are temporarily whacking out. Air Traffic Control! (um.......that would be us )


..... Straight ahead good buddy ! ......... Storm breaks up just ahead......


(forgive the mangled attempt at pilot humor :H)
glad you're here too -
ww xox

[Starlight Impress Forever]

The Beast is still here...

Wonderful that you`re feeling strong again, Don.

Sometimes I think it`s good for us to "feel the fear"........the fear of relapse can be an invaluable tool in itself.........it is for me.

Star x

[maasai]

The Beast is still here...

thanks so much chief, i was having a good chat yesterday and something came up like " we are all in one jail, free to walk around do our bussinesses but cant go and leave the jail forever" since two weeks ago i have been having this mind of tasting win, i have never tested it in my entire life, and suddenly this mind has been bothering me, funny i even go to an extend of finding the names of non-alcohol drinks.
i know this is not leading me to somewhere good, but it keeps coming. grrrrrr how do i keep this though out.

[gyco]

The Beast is still here...

hi chief,riviting story,ive also been there many times,and it will always come back and haunt you,kinda like halloween,someone once told me,people around you will hurt you the most,he knows your pang[alchohol] why not go out and have the ones who no you the best or love you the most ,not drink ,they no your pain ,if it bothers you so much,just dont go out,it was my councillor tht told me tht,as much as we try to fool are selves the AL ,will never go away,we should have a built in alarm,but we dont,you can do it,just say no and keep comin here,i hope this helps,a long time abuseer,gyco

[A Work in Progress]

The Beast is still here...

maasai;443718 wrote: thanks so much chief, i was having a good chat yesterday and something came up like " we are all in one jail, free to walk around do our bussinesses but cant go and leave the jail forever" since two weeks ago i have been having this mind of tasting win, i have never tested it in my entire life, and suddenly this mind has been bothering me, funny i even go to an extend of finding the names of non-alcohol drinks.
i know this is not leading me to somewhere good, but it keeps coming. grrrrrr how do i keep this though out.

There really is no way to banish the thoughts that bother us; the more we try to force them out of our minds, the stronger they will get. That is just how the brain works, unfortunately. But what we CAN do, that is very helpful, is consistently shift our attention away from the troublesome thoughts, whenever we realize that they have come into our consciousness. Eventually, they just go away of their own accord. If (when) they come back, just do the same thing. It is like ignoring certain bad behaviors in children; soon enough, the behaviors will stop.

wip

[cmhguy3]

The Beast is still here...

Thank you so much for the honest thoughts. I have also been struggling with these thoughts. You ALL have helped me so much today! PEACE!

Guy

[xtexan]

The Beast is still here...

Hey Chief:

Figured I would get in here, and offer up my perspective.

There are still times when my mind says, "Damn, a drink would be perfect right now! Just escape all that stress for a bit, and things would be just peachy!"

Then, it happens within a second or less, and I no longer wrestle with it, my sober self says, "BS. First, a drink will cause more stress in the end. Second, you are escaping nothing, and things will still be the same after"

But the most important thing I now realize, is that yes, I could muster up the sheer force of will to stop at one or two. But then, wave after wave of intense desire for drinks 3 through 50 or whatever would be worse than ever. That would be emotionally crippling in a way that would make the desire for that first one seem small in comparision.

So the thing is, to get that knowledge firmly rooted as TRUTH. I know for myself, the truth is that I could stop at one by sheer force of will, but then it would trigger things that in the long run, would be hell to deal with. JUST NOT WORTH IT.

This is the way I have to think now. This is the thing I have to make solid in my gut. Booze is just not my "buddy" under any circumstances, either at just one, or just 50 drinks.

In the end, you must decide for yourself, what that desire, if acted upon would end up doing to you. Do you believe, in your gut, that if you had one or two, and then stopped, would you be better off? This is where the brutal honesty with ourselves must be done, if we are to survive.

Best of luck to you my friend.

Neil

[momof3]

The Beast is still here...

Chief/Don,

Thank you so very much for your honest and thoughtful post. It is very important that we hear from those who have some long term sobriety behind them--both their joys and their struggles. I am almost 6 months AF and it is good to hear that it is important to not get too cocky or feel too safe about my sobriety.

Thanks again and keep on going through that storm. There is sunshine on the other end.

M03

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Thanks all.....

Great post, Neil....I was hoping to hear from you....of course, you are right on the money.....

The thing that's driving me crazy is I know all these things....I know if I drank 1 beer it would be all over....sure, I could probably muscle my way into only having "a few" the first day or so, but I know what would happen....I would be right back to square one.....

So....if I know all this, then why am I having these thoughts?....and why all of a sudden, after 14 months?....these are the questions I'm trying to figure out......

It's just bizarre....

I'm o.k., though......just flying through the storm....

Don