The Beast is still here...

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Re: The Beast is still here... thinking of Chief

I have to admit I've been MIA here for the last 5 years, but one of the voices that pulled me back was Chief... I'm not certain he's here anymore, but he is one of the calming voices that pulled me back here.

I wrote this last week, and it was my encounter with "The Beast":

I have to admit that some weeks are better than others, where I'm happy and forward looking.... and then one day of cravings turns into two days, and the little voice of temptation sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear that sobriety is over rated... that I over reacted... that I am smart enough to moderate "again".

I get distracted easier, quiet thoughts get interrupted with "fucking" this and "fuck that"...

Last night, I was that f'ing close to caving in.
I was in this f'ing state of mind and went out to dinner with my husband and son.
When the waiter asked for my drink order, I said, "just water for me", and he must have heard, as he parroted back to me, "a glass of Riesling" in the noisy restaurant. ??? WTF?

"No! Water!" I outwardly smiled and cursed that f'ing temptation.

My soothing moment that once again grounded me was after dinner, when we got back home and I got our dog ready for his nightly walk.
My 22 yr old son gave me a huge "kitchen hug" and said, "You okay, Mom?"
Feeling sorry for myself, I said, "What's the fucking point, Ed?"

He hugged me tighter and said,
"The point is the fucking same whether you drink or not". :hug:

That was the kick in the pants I needed, from someone I love and adore...
So today, the f'ing pity party is over. I'm on the other side, I rode through the storm.
Tomorrow isn't promised, so today, I will protect my Quit.

P.S. Kitchen hugs are better than chocolate chip cookies."

Chief, I don't know if you are still on MWO, but your wisdom, 12 years later, still speaks to my heart. :heartbeat:

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

Re: The Beast is still here...

Don,

I just now found and read this thread--all the way through. There is so much thought and wisdom in these posts. Let me add just a slightly different perspective by way of contrast. And as a runner, you'll understand.

Many years ago I was running a hilly section of the Boston marathon course with a Kenyan runner. The group I was in was mostly Americans and we attacked the hills one at a time. Near the end of the run the Kenyan moved past us and said something softly under his breath. After the run I appraoched him and asked him what he was saying back on the hills. He said, "why do you Americans always fight the hill?" He next said with laughter "the hill always wins when you fight it". I asked, "how do you run it then?" He replied, "the hill is always the same. It is never mad or happy when I run it. It is just the hill. So, I let the hill come to me and I let the hill run under me and I never rush through the pain. The pain will stop as the hill will stop."

His point, I think, is to let the hill, the work, the pain come to us and in doing so it is always manageable. The mistake he observed is the inclination to believe that you can dominate something like a hill. Is life any different than running? I know this perspective has helped me as I have traveled this AF road.

Keep at it buddy.

July

I just read this old post today... and as I was out walk/running my dog, the thought of the Kenyan runner's approach towards a fixed obstacle... as I trudged up a hill, I thought about how I fight the hill... and believe it or not, I made it almost to the top today, a first for me!

July, thanks for the analogy.
The fight is often the the same, we dress it up in different dresses. We try to make it complicated, we try to reason why we should approach the hill in a new way... but if we are truthful with ourselves, the "hill" is the same fight to stay sober.