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I have been with my husband for 28 years, 6 years prior to getting married, 22 years of marriage. About 6 or so years ago he started drinking pretty heavily. Mostly on week-ends, so he could function during the day at work, but we'd both go out on the week-ends with friends - I would always end up being the designated driver. It was about six years ago that the week-end use changed into nightly use at home. Just a drink after work, to help calm and relax him.
Then two drinks. At two drinks - I put my foot down and said no more. That was okay for a LONG time, but his "Two" drinks were more like the equivalent of 4 and then 6 - he just increased the amount of rum and decreased the amount of coke or sprite or whatever was the mixer.
Then, I got pregnant. I was 40, and I lost the baby. That loss just about killed us both - there is a lot to this that I don't want to go into here, but after we lost our daughter, he started drinking even more heavily. I admit - I drank too. Soon I realized that it wasn't helping me and I stopped. I was never drinking THAT much, and I do not seem to have an addictive personality (except maybe being addicted to him!)
Then his mother was diagnosed with ALS. He tried everything to help her, but nothing worked. He continued to drink and get worse. Then my father died suddenly of a heart attack. 13 days later, his mother passed away. We have a home in Belize and we both decided we needed a fresh start. We moved here almost 2 years ago.
Last year he was drinking about 12-16 beers a day - he switched from rum to beer thinking that it would be less "bad" if it was "only beer" I finally had enough and I was ready to leave. I almost did. He promised to stop drinking and as of New Years eve 2008, he stopped drinking - for about 5 months. He had 1 drink at a family reunion in May of 2009, but it made him violently ill, and he stopped drinking again until August 2009 when a man from the states moved in across the street who drinks heavily.
Now they both drink. My husband just started in again on a daily basis - he was only doing week-end binges until last week. He told me he needs to quit on his terms (which I KNOW is true) but he won't set any goals or limits for quitting. Right now - he is using the excuse that HE need to do this, and he will quit when he can come to terms with his inner demons.
While I know that it is true that HE has to be the one to quit - instead of actually setting any goals or limits, he is dringking MORE! He went from 3 drinks to 5 drinks (stiff tripple shot rum & coke drinks) in less than a week!
I am pretty much stuck here. We have 1 car. I have 3 large dogs that I need to take with me when/if I leave. He is verbally abusive and I am afraid it may turn into physical abuse. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to get him to stop again. I don't understand why he started drinking again, other than the man who moved here influencing him. He says that it was his choice and not to blame it on the "new guy" but that is the only trigger I can figure.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to get him to realize what he is doing? Will it really help him to go on something like Antabuse? He says that If I leave him, it will END our 28 years together. While I don't want to do that, I just don't see that I have much other choice - he is hurting himself and he is hurting me every day - verbally. He doesn't realize how much the verbal abuse hurts. I honestly don't know what to do.
I feel helpless. :upset:
I have been with my husband for 28 years, 6 years prior to getting married, 22 years of marriage. About 6 or so years ago he started drinking pretty heavily. Mostly on week-ends, so he could function during the day at work, but we'd both go out on the week-ends with friends - I would always end up being the designated driver. It was about six years ago that the week-end use changed into nightly use at home. Just a drink after work, to help calm and relax him.
Then two drinks. At two drinks - I put my foot down and said no more. That was okay for a LONG time, but his "Two" drinks were more like the equivalent of 4 and then 6 - he just increased the amount of rum and decreased the amount of coke or sprite or whatever was the mixer.
Then, I got pregnant. I was 40, and I lost the baby. That loss just about killed us both - there is a lot to this that I don't want to go into here, but after we lost our daughter, he started drinking even more heavily. I admit - I drank too. Soon I realized that it wasn't helping me and I stopped. I was never drinking THAT much, and I do not seem to have an addictive personality (except maybe being addicted to him!)
Then his mother was diagnosed with ALS. He tried everything to help her, but nothing worked. He continued to drink and get worse. Then my father died suddenly of a heart attack. 13 days later, his mother passed away. We have a home in Belize and we both decided we needed a fresh start. We moved here almost 2 years ago.
Last year he was drinking about 12-16 beers a day - he switched from rum to beer thinking that it would be less "bad" if it was "only beer" I finally had enough and I was ready to leave. I almost did. He promised to stop drinking and as of New Years eve 2008, he stopped drinking - for about 5 months. He had 1 drink at a family reunion in May of 2009, but it made him violently ill, and he stopped drinking again until August 2009 when a man from the states moved in across the street who drinks heavily.
Now they both drink. My husband just started in again on a daily basis - he was only doing week-end binges until last week. He told me he needs to quit on his terms (which I KNOW is true) but he won't set any goals or limits for quitting. Right now - he is using the excuse that HE need to do this, and he will quit when he can come to terms with his inner demons.
While I know that it is true that HE has to be the one to quit - instead of actually setting any goals or limits, he is dringking MORE! He went from 3 drinks to 5 drinks (stiff tripple shot rum & coke drinks) in less than a week!
I am pretty much stuck here. We have 1 car. I have 3 large dogs that I need to take with me when/if I leave. He is verbally abusive and I am afraid it may turn into physical abuse. I don't know where to turn and I don't know how to get him to stop again. I don't understand why he started drinking again, other than the man who moved here influencing him. He says that it was his choice and not to blame it on the "new guy" but that is the only trigger I can figure.
Can anyone offer any suggestions on how to get him to realize what he is doing? Will it really help him to go on something like Antabuse? He says that If I leave him, it will END our 28 years together. While I don't want to do that, I just don't see that I have much other choice - he is hurting himself and he is hurting me every day - verbally. He doesn't realize how much the verbal abuse hurts. I honestly don't know what to do.
I feel helpless. :upset:
ray:
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