Your thoughts on resentment.

[greeneyes]

Your thoughts on resentment.

hippie37;1060961 wrote: Letting go of the resentments if probably one of the hardest things to do. We all get that from time to time no matter how sober we are. It's what we do with them that counts.

Most of my resentments stem from old fears. When I find I have a resentment it's usually because someone has 'pushed my buttons'. This usually taps straight into old familiar feelings of not being good enough, of being judged, of being weak, of not being loved etc. etc. All those horrible feelings I used to get that basically said "I don't belong".

It's kind of like having a load of nerve endings and each one is a path to some incident from my past that when people push those buttons It brings about a feeling I associate with that. I know I can't cut out all the nerve endings because I'll end up not feeling anything at all. I Might as well take a load of prozac and have done with it and just numb my feelings. That's no way to live though. For me personally I need to take action with a resentment and talk to someone immediately about it before it gets way out of hand up there in my head!!. I can completely catastrophize things in a matter of minutes. I will say though after 2 years being sober those buttons may still get pushed just as hard as they did when I was drinking. I just don't react as much anymore because the wiring of my nerves is starting to change.

Hope that makes sense!

Many Blessings
Phil

Perfect sense! Good to see you!

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Thanks for all your posts. Its good to hear all your thoughts as people click on to the thread. For me my resentment is not directed at anyone else. Its more a "why did this have to be me/why cant I be a normie? type of resentment-more a "howling at the moon" type of resentment. I am loads better than I was on the issue but It still gets to me at times to be honest. Ireland has such a pub culture. It can be hard sometimes to step out of it but Im not going to emigrate so Im just going to have to deal with it.There are 17 pubs in my town and not even 1 cinema so you are really swimming against the flow. The only sober people I know are children! I really have to work on it week in week out. I wish resentful thoughts would go away and leave me in peace. Maybe some day.... Its really interesting to hear that AA say that resentment is the number 1 enemy of the alcoholic. I wonder do they mean my type of resentment? Anyway all things considered Im still in good form. At least the awful physical cravings have gone. Thank God! Does anyone else struggle with "howling at the moon "days? For the long term abstainers-if you have had these days do they get better in time? Please tell me the truth and dont just say yes! I would rather plan my sobriety based on an honest view of the future. If I know Im always going to have thoughts like this then I need to build round that right from the very start. Thanks.

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

I am replying to myself here(hope thats not a sign of impending madness) but as you can probably tell this is my current issue and I am doing some serious reflecting on it to hopefully help me to overcome this stage and move on. Anyway I found this on a AA website and it sort of reached me-


"Many people in the world know they cannot eat certain foods ? oysters or strawberries or eggs or cucumbers or sugar or something else ? without getting very uncomfortable and maybe even quite sick.

A person with a food allergy of this kind can go around feeling a lot of self-pity, complaining to everyone that he or she is unfairly deprived, and constantly whining about not being able, or allowed, to eat something delicious.

Obviously, even though we may feel cheated, it isn't wise to ignore our own physiological makeup. If our limitations are ignored, severe discomfort or illness may result. To stay healthy and reasonably happy, we must learn to live with the bodies we have.

One of the new thinking habits a recovering alcoholic can develop is a calm view of himself or herself as someone who needs to avoid chemicals (alcohol and other drugs that are substitutes for it) if he or she wants to maintain good health."

Hmm methinks I see myself. " We must learn to live with the bodies we have" I like that. Ok its time to take this tired body off to bed. Its nearly midnight here in Ireland.

[Doggygirl]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Hi Coalfire. I will answer your question about AA's take on resentment to the best of my understanding.

I believe that is ALL types of resentment. There is discussion in the Big Book and other materials surrounding Step 4 (inventory) suggesting we consider ALL forms of resentment against people, and "institutions" which I believe includes ideas. "Local pub culture" I believe would qualify as a resentment to be listed and subsequently dealt with. Depending on people's personal experience, they may have resentment towards groups of people such as police officers (i.e. someone with DUI history) or other groups.

I have learned that the reason for the resentment doesn't matter. A "justified" resentment (i.e. someone has "done me wrong" and I have "every right" to be mad) is JUST as dangerous for me as a silly or unfounded resentment (i.e. I don't like my neighbor because she has red hair).

When I first started exploring this topic in AA, I was really rolling my eyes - especially over the idea that I needed to work as a priority of letting resentments go - especially the "justifed" ones. But indeed, as I have unloaded these burdens from my mind and my life, I am feeling more of that peace and serenity I have always craved.

I would welcome others who have worked on this in AA to also post - I'm new at it and certainly capable of misunderstanding!

DG

[Doggygirl]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Coalfire, I thought of you today as a relevant example came up at my morning AA meeting.

LOL, one of the guys is a working comedian (local around Chicago metro area) and he spoke of occassionally feeling resentment at the crowds who are drinking as he entertains them. He said "someday I want to fill a room with people who are all allergic to peanuts. And then I'm going to eat a whole bag of peanuts while they watch me." :H:H

He was being tongue in cheek but it was funny! It also made me think that if everyone who had a food allergy was resentful towards those who could eat their allergen foods, they would spend a lot of time in uneccesary misery. For me, that was a thought provoking way to look at it.

DG

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Doggygirl. Thanks. Weird look from my partner as I laughed out loud there. "Whats so funny?-doesnt matter darling" Anyway laughing aside I took a second look at what you wrote and yeah I know what you mean. It sounds so silly when you put it like that. Sometimes I give myself a real stern talking to. " Its only a bloody substance-stop boo-hooing." It usuallly works then sooner or later I boo-hoo again. I am 5 weeks sober now and I have ordered a back up supply of antabuse because Im scared witless that one of my boo-hoo days will derail me. The main goal is to stop having them in the first place so thats why I am really trying to work on my thinking. I will think of your peanut eating comedian the next time I get into that awful toxic state of mind. Thanks. Ps I think I should have called this thread your thoughts on self pity. Its maybe a bit of both. Anyway I hate when I get days like that. They really frighten me cos I know where they have led me to in the past and it aint anywhere good! Whoa! I just missed your other reply on the 22nd. I have just spotted it. I have got to go and think about that one for a while.

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

"Local pub culture" I believe would qualify as a resentment to be listed and subsequently dealt with.


Hmm. Staring long and hard at that one. I think there is a bit of a bullseye there. When everyone else heads down to the pub at the weekend I sometimes feel like the little girl on the outside with her nose pressed against the window. It starts off a cascade inside my mind. sad=self pity=resentment=fear because that cascade has led to so many relapses it just isnt funny. You mention serenity. Some days Im so good at the whole serenity thing that it feels like a walk in the park. I feel like I could stay sober for ever. Then its creak,crack and suddenly Im fighting for my life just to make it through the night. Thats why prn antabuse helps I think.(and possibly Baclofen but maybe more about that another time. I know we have a meds section. I want to keep this one about emotions.) Anyway I will give it a go. The next time I feel terrible about not being able to go to the pub I will try firmly saying to myself." This is a resentment and it just has to be dealt with" Ok Im nearly looking forward to my next "wanna go to the pub night" so I can try it out. Thanks again.

[coalfire]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Yes I read that jerlin. Its very good. I love your name by the way. I thought the replies on this thread were excellent.They have helped me beyond words. I was in a situation yesterday(st paddys day) where all my friends went to the pub and I had to go home. I had a bad 5 mins then shook it off. I am in a totally different place now from when I first posted it.Thanks to all who tried to help me. You really did create a change in my mindset and things are a bit easier now 50+ days AF now

[Bruunhilde]

Your thoughts on resentment.

Doggygirl;1064635 wrote:
I have learned that the reason for the resentment doesn't matter. A "justified" resentment (i.e. someone has "done me wrong" and I have "every right" to be mad) is JUST as dangerous for me as a silly or unfounded resentment.
DG

This is very potent stuff, this thread, thanks Coalfire.

Resentments are hazardous and part of my daily diatribe (internal rantings) that I'm trying to fix. The fact that Life Is Not Fair seems to be just another thing to resent, versus a fix to my resenting others. Why should I work like a dog and be financially strapped when all around me my friends just married and are wealthy and two haven't worked since they were 35? NOT FAIR. Etc. So I'm not just howling at the moon, I'm barking up all sorts of trees, and it's only making me miserable and sick, drinking the poison and hoping someone else dies from it as Mario said. I may be AF but I'm still drinking poison, and always have been.

So I'm struggling too, and I can see that the Pub thing would be difficult: In particular, with such saturation ("everyone" goes to the pubs esp in Ireland on St Pats), that leaves you out of the social scene completely, which of course you'd resent. But you don't have to resent that all those people are pickling their livers and in twenty years you'll look great and they'll look like shit. Improving my health and my looks is a big part of my current motivation to be AF. Gratitude work leaves me flat, although I do try to do it and to look at the good sides and stop my negativity.

Good for you that you didn't go home and drink alone, which would be a bigger danger for me after your experience on St Patricks. :man: Of course, I'd prefer that to the Pub after the first hour there!

I'm thankful there are so many wonderful, caring and giving people willing to share their love and experience here at MWO.

[Wildflowers]

Your thoughts on resentment.

:hxo:l

[Wildflowers]

Your thoughts on resentment.

:h:hxoxo:l:l

[mario]

Just reading back on this thread, Resentments, I posted above that I don't think I had any, that my thoughts were on myself, they probably were at that time, But looking back and getting to know myself better.

I had quite a few resentments, mostly of jealousy & fear, self pitying & comparing myself always to others in what they had & not realising what I had... Got over that now & did write a list of all my resentment's and did make amends where possible.

It feels great. Now I deal with resentments as they pop up daily or weekly and deal with them, it sure helps me in my continuing battle in which I am winning.