My life then and now

[JDizzle]

I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in many years. The guy looking back at me wasnt as disgusting as I always feared. He didnt shame me. He had gotten older which sucked . I was thinking today how I used to have a bad memory of something I had done and I would just clinch and say aloud "god I fucking hate myself" or another was "god I wish I would just die". I literally said those things aloud about myself numerous times day in and day out. How sad is that. Don't know if anyone believes in that inner child stuff but that poor child I treated so bad for so many years. I'm just kinda working today...went and had coffee with a good friend. My friends ... Well "friends" are starting to call me again. Fair weathered MFs . I don't feel like I have to go out somewhere and have immediate fun anymore. Some evenings I water the lawn by hand, listen to music, watch tv, relax. Some evenings I go out to eat with the lovely lady. Sometimes I have a couple beers and watch the game. My life is so relaxed... And it's all I ever wanted. I mean I looked myself in the eyes and I didn't call myself a POS. I felt a pact that I made with myself that I would use the second half of my life making it up to myself. I haven't said god I fucking hate myself one time in a while now... What a miracle.

[JDizzle]

My life then and now

Ohhh and I am inviting other stories. Come on... Air ur dirty laundry. How bad did u hate ur self?

[Lo0p]

My life then and now

I definitely used those words sometimes.

But even in my darkest times, I did stare at myself in the mirror, often. I would search my eyes for what seemed like an eternity.

I was looking for myself. I recognized my face, my body and even my eyes. But even then I knew there was something inside me, controlling me that most certainly wasn't me.

Whatever it was, I personified it. He was my demon. He sounded like me and he looked like me. But he did not walk like me or talk like me and he did and said things that I, in my heart, would never do or say, nor do I have any recollection of.

Upon reaching indifference I realized that "my demon" was just a disease.

I was fighting the entire time. I was trying try to stare at the mirror, through my eyes to catch a glimpse of my own heart and my own soul that I knew was in there somewhere but that I couldn't see.

It wasn't even remotely a leap, logically, upon the moment he left me to recognize the fact that there was no need to forgive myself for anything, because he was not me.

I just had a disease. And it wasn't my fault.

[spacebebe01]

My life then and now

Thank you for posting that Minor Threat, yes I also felt like that but still do just to a lesser extent, its something Ive started working on. I now feel my long battle with alcohol is at last over after many years of drinkingand then struggling to stop.

I do think that now in the second half of my life I need to make this a new chapter and make it happy and good. I wish everyone who comes here could get that but we are the lucky few who make it, I need to take full advantage of the opportunity on offer.











Much love

space x

[Colin]

My life then and now

spacebebe01;1530082 wrote: Thank you for posting that Minor Threat

A much better moniker. How about starting your new life with a sensible name?

[MaryGoRound]

My life then and now

My place of reckoning comes in the morning before I open my eyes. This place can define my day. I have literally screamed the most insulting, awful, harmful, and mean thoughts about myself to me. I would never, in a million years, say the things I say to myself about another human being.

I accept I have a schizophrenia...not in the true sense...but I have a voice that "tells" me things. It is either, "you are a piece of s***," or it says, "go on, you can have a few. We will figure it all out tomorrow"

[bleep]

My life then and now

Lo0p;1530054 wrote: I definitely used those words sometimes.

But even in my darkest times, I did stare at myself in the mirror, often. I would search my eyes for what seemed like an eternity.

I was looking for myself. I recognized my face, my body and even my eyes. But even then I knew there was something inside me, controlling me that most certainly wasn't me.

Whatever it was, I personified it. He was my demon. He sounded like me and he looked like me. But he did not walk like me or talk like me and he did and said things that I, in my heart, would never do or say, nor do I have any recollection of.

Upon reaching indifference I realized that "my demon" was just a disease.

I was fighting the entire time. I was trying try to stare at the mirror, through my eyes to catch a glimpse of my own heart and my own soul that I knew was in there somewhere but that I couldn't see.

It wasn't even remotely a leap, logically, upon the moment he left me to recognize the fact that there was no need to forgive myself for anything, because he was not me.

I just had a disease. And it wasn't my fault.

I used to call him my Drunk Passenger after watching Dexter. Made sense to me.

[Eve Gatha]

My life then and now

Old self-talk:
“Oh, and I just need a drink so I can loosen up and really enjoy this moment…”
Too often led to: “Oh shit, wtf… this is not good.”

And too often the cold panic at some point, wondering what really happened.
Then the common self talk that started to rotate constantly in my head: “You LOSER. You Low Life. You ARE everything you dread..”

Thanks for the memories, JD, really! It's a helpful reminder.
Now I’m remembering from a deeper, more meaningful place how to have the best times of my life being present and naked and sober. It’s a work still in process, but so much richer.
Eve

[JDizzle]

My life then and now

Great stories everyone. We won't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And that is a promise.

[Cassander]

My life then and now

JDizzle;1529908 wrote: ... What a miracle.

Yes.

[kronkcarr]

My life then and now

JD,

This is a great topic. Thanks. I think baclofen gave me a new self image. I did some of the self talk, but to a lesser degree. In my third month on baclofen I really started liking/loving myself. One day I just thought, "You're really a cool person. Look at all the good things you do and have done,"

I used to let people walk all over me and I didn't speak up. I accepted less than I deserved and never questioned it. Those days are gone!

[skullbabyland]

My life then and now

I certainly know how alcohol abuse ruined my self image and my sense of anything positive. I'd gotten into the habit of wishing I was dead during hungover mornings. Sometimes I'd entertain suicidal thoughts even though my life was good in other ways.

The hell of addiction was just a giant black cloud casting its shadow on anything in my life that'd otherwise be good. That's when I knew I needed to look for outside-the-box (aka AA) solutions and found you fine people, and answers. I really don't think it's hyperbole to say that it may have indeed saved my life.

[JDizzle]

My life then and now

U know I never was much for suicide. I always had the hope that one day I would get sober... No matter how dwindling that hope had become. The scary thing was that I was not contemplating suicide at all but I also wasnt like shrugging the idea totally off anymore. I'm glad I didn't stick around to see where that went.

[RedThread12]

My life then and now

I was totally ambivalent about living or dying. Couldn't "do" anything other than not drink, which now that I think about it was definitely the action of un-living. When the bac kicked in, I was pretty overcome with the miracle.3 3/4 years later, I still am - most of the time. Occasionally get overcome by pettiness, but can still say, to myself and my friends. "At least I'm not drunk." And savor the miracle again.

Great post. Lots,of them, actually. Thanks.