I actually do have something to post. I had been modding, especially since the girl I'm dating doesn't drink. However, I had a strange slip up last night. I went in to have a lite dinner and tow glasses of wine somewhere, it was more than that and then another bar. I was wondering why I did that....
I feel ok today, I didn't do anything bad and I didn't have the over anxiety I usually get when these things happen. I think the meditating and hypnosis is working...things are clearer, I wouldn't say perfect, but clear.
First, I am turning 40 next week and I am not looking forward to it. So many things happened to me in the last decade, some of the best and definitely some of the worst, that I really do not want to know what the next decade will bring. I think that is why I slipped. The other times I slip is with grad school friends and it is usually one night only, but this time has me thinking, I am not sure things are as clear as I thought they were.
We had a big snow storm in NYC a few days ago. The girl I am dating stayed with me, and brought her dog. She (the girl) ended up being quite frisky. I found myself 1/2 into it, most of the time. I found myself not really wanting to kiss her, just wanting too...well.... I could tell she was sensing this... She's not the type of girl I am used to going out with. She looks like a librarian, she is very sweet. She is in the Program so she doesn't drink. She is also quite liberal. She was complaining a little bit, because I was so lackadaisical, nothing really overwhelming, I could tell she was a little upset. She is very sweet. Well, anyway, the last night, I fell asleep watching TV on the couch when she went off to bed. I eventually woke up and went to the bedroom. She was up and on her phone texting or emailing. I said, "What's going?" She said, "Eh, not much." A few moments passed and she finally said, "I am not feeling comfortable here anymore. I feel like you don't really want me here. Why don't you want to have sex with me? I'm actually looking for a car to take me home."
Now, this freaked me out, not because of the obvious, it freaked me out because it sounded like my ex-wife all over again! I was like, "Oh crap, not this again!" I literally just started dating this girl. I told her going home was crazy, it was late and it's the aftermath of a blizzard. I had an early morning meeting the next day, at my new office (firms merged) and I really DID NOT need this stress.
We talked for a little while. We eventually had sex and everything was fine. I saw her yesterday and she seemed in good spirits. What really upset me was, I was thinking, "Oh crap, here I am upsetting someone, hurting them, because of my own internal crap!"
Anyway, maybe that is why I slipped. The combo of that and my looming birthday. I told myself I am going to have an AL Feb. goal. We shall see.
Best,
j.
I feel ok today, I didn't do anything bad and I didn't have the over anxiety I usually get when these things happen. I think the meditating and hypnosis is working...things are clearer, I wouldn't say perfect, but clear.
First, I am turning 40 next week and I am not looking forward to it. So many things happened to me in the last decade, some of the best and definitely some of the worst, that I really do not want to know what the next decade will bring. I think that is why I slipped. The other times I slip is with grad school friends and it is usually one night only, but this time has me thinking, I am not sure things are as clear as I thought they were.
We had a big snow storm in NYC a few days ago. The girl I am dating stayed with me, and brought her dog. She (the girl) ended up being quite frisky. I found myself 1/2 into it, most of the time. I found myself not really wanting to kiss her, just wanting too...well.... I could tell she was sensing this... She's not the type of girl I am used to going out with. She looks like a librarian, she is very sweet. She is in the Program so she doesn't drink. She is also quite liberal. She was complaining a little bit, because I was so lackadaisical, nothing really overwhelming, I could tell she was a little upset. She is very sweet. Well, anyway, the last night, I fell asleep watching TV on the couch when she went off to bed. I eventually woke up and went to the bedroom. She was up and on her phone texting or emailing. I said, "What's going?" She said, "Eh, not much." A few moments passed and she finally said, "I am not feeling comfortable here anymore. I feel like you don't really want me here. Why don't you want to have sex with me? I'm actually looking for a car to take me home."
Now, this freaked me out, not because of the obvious, it freaked me out because it sounded like my ex-wife all over again! I was like, "Oh crap, not this again!" I literally just started dating this girl. I told her going home was crazy, it was late and it's the aftermath of a blizzard. I had an early morning meeting the next day, at my new office (firms merged) and I really DID NOT need this stress.
We talked for a little while. We eventually had sex and everything was fine. I saw her yesterday and she seemed in good spirits. What really upset me was, I was thinking, "Oh crap, here I am upsetting someone, hurting them, because of my own internal crap!"
Anyway, maybe that is why I slipped. The combo of that and my looming birthday. I told myself I am going to have an AL Feb. goal. We shall see.
Best,
j.
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