Moving on to Life

[KENSHO]

I'm hungover! After 2 drinks! I HATE the way alcohol makes me feel. Not drinking much makes the times I do extra potent. I don't seem to have the problem of returning to 4 drinks per night if I imbibe, which I am very thankful for. But I really feel that I am happier without alcohol. Here's what I notice (after only 2 drinks, and a few weeks since the last):
- sensitive hearing
- foggy head and slow thinking
- minor headache
- retaining water
- feeling toxic
- more irritable
- hot flashes

On the other hand, last night I was given a compliment that is one of the nicest things anyone could say to me... she said she walked into this restaurant and saw me with my 5 yr. old daughter. She was struck at how I was interacting with her, and that I was smiling and enjoying it. She said so many parents in restaurants just want their kids to "be quiet" and sit down - but I was giving her real attention. I could have melted - it is one of my biggest priorities - to give my kids real, genuine attention - if even for just a few minutes each day. THIS is what I want to focus on - and alcohol is not required to make it happen. Alcohol gets in the way of this. I never want to make alcohol a priority in my life again - what a waste of time!

[KENSHO]

I watched my husband drink for stress last night. While he didn't go crazy, what he became was a distant, irritated person. I smelled his breath and was so grateful to be not drinking. This morning, he was more irritable than normal, and said he was moving slow. I see these things and am so very happy it's not me.

So I'm just going to share some thoughts here. I want to post when I am glad I am sober. I want to post if I have to start over. And I want to post to support others. But for some reason, it is not a goal for me to never drink again. It IS a goal for me that alcohol never interferes with my life again, and that means I rarely do it, and that if I do, it is not much. What does that make me? A girl who wants it all? I person in denial? Someone who "wasn't bad enough" to have to completely stop? I know, I know I've heard it over and over - if you are here, you need to stop completely. But where IS that line? Is it possible that some people aren't full-fledged alcoholics who come to this site? Are there degrees of addiction? I think I would consider myself someone who was addicted to alcohol - because I wanted it every night. But I don't any more. Some would say that's not possible. I didn't drink two liters a night. I drank 2-4 drinks. I snuck it, I lied about it, I hid it and I hated it. Does that make me a card-carying alcoholic?

When I share daily how grateful I am to be fully interacting with my life without alcohol, I have very little desire to drink. This last month or so, I felt like I had no accountability, and it was harder. I wasn't sharing with others how glad I was to be clean and clear. I think it is an exercise we all should do - to consciously state what we are grateful for, and often. It is part of what makes us happier, regardless of our vices.

I understand that this is a drinking site, for alcoholics and people who struggle and have previously struggled with alcohol use. That's me (raising hand). I struggled because I wanted it every night, and I hated the way it made me feel and act. I don't feel like I struggle much now, but I fear that if I don't participate in sharing my gratefulness with others, I will revert into a more frequent use situation because there are so many alcohol influences out there - everywhere I turn. For instance, I am going to a party tonight with my husband for his co-worker who is moving away. The people in his field drink like fish. I don't want any. Really, I don't want ANY. I know it will make me feel and sleep like shit. My daughter has a dance recital tomorrow and I want to feel top notch to enjoy it. I'm bringing my sparkling "La Croix" stuff, and that will do me fine. I want to tell you all this because it makes me stronger and I feel great about myself when I don't do it. So can I share that?

My goal is not to "never drink again". My goal IS to live so that alcohol does not impact my life and is not a focus. And if it is not a struggle for me to live this way, and if sharing about it is helpful to me or others, that's what I'm going to do. I will share if I DO have some, and how that makes me feel. I will share if I struggle or if I don't - and mostly share how much I love living life without the haze of this stupid liquid. I am being honest and trying to be as true to myself as I can. I want to live with authenticity and bravery and joyfulness and gratefulness, and would love if others would share too. So there it is.

Moving over to "Monthly Moderation - Living Fully".

[Samstone]

Kensho
read your post with interest, I think the whole thing about AL is to not worry about "not drinking" but but to enjoy the moment sober. It gives you a chance to be who we really are, not who we are through AL. Any time there is a "not" something involved, it is a negative, so instead of "not drinking", I think "I'm alive and well" or something like that. It has made me very comfortable in my new skin. Just a thought....
I hope you find that "sweet spot"
Sam

[KENSHO]

I'm not sure where to start with this post. I think I have been selfish. I think I should not have discussed allowing myself to drink in the way that I have. I wanted to be able to tell the whole truth - that I had had a few drinks. But I feel that it has been irresponsible on a site where people with alcohol problems need only a small kernel of hope to bargain their way out of progress.

I had a real problem with alcohol just a short year ago - not necessarily judged by quantity, but by frequency, need and inner turmoil. I got to a fairly comfortable place abstaining for 30-60-90 days, and allowed myself to drink in between these instances. My reaction to these drinks confused me because I did not revert to old habits or experience strong cravings. I tried to discuss this with one person, and was met with such a wall that I felt like I just needed to state my position and move forward.

But I don't feel my actions have impacted this place in a positive way. I appreciate the kind words I have received in lieu of "finding my own way". I am yet to fully understand what that is. But I know these things:

- I hated the way I was drinking - how it made me feel, how it took my self-respect, how I was flat and dull and only partially participating in my life.

- I love not drinking - how it makes me feel, how present with myself I am, how I am bright and sharp and fully participate in all the minutes of the day.

Alcohol does not need to be a part of my life or anyone else's life and the very last thing I want to do is encourage anyone to drink.

[KENSHO]

Tired of saying so much in the Nest. I just need to put some things out into the universe. So very tired and bummed and pissed. I am really surprised how much I am craving alcohol the last three nights. Makes me mad. But what makes me madder is that I told my husband I "might not" be drinking much this weekend (i.e. won't), and his response? "I just hope you are social". Really?!? Jackass. I said, I am not going to drink just so I can be social. He has said to me in the past, "just have a drink and loosen up!" Part of this is true, feeling tight, but to a large degree, I am an introvert. Coupled with how very tired I am with my current workload, it is going to feel even harder to be "fun". Fun to me right now would be sitting in silence near a stream - or with my family only and no pressure to talk, be fun, be the life of the party. I will never BE the life of the party. I would love to say, "You married an introvert", but truthfully, I've always drank in social settings. And though it may have loosened me up, I think I also said some stupid things. Not drunken stupid typically, but just awkward.

SO I guess I'm going to have to draw some boundaries. God I sound like a rewound tape... Not long ago I was saying how wonderful not drinking was and how much better I was at setting boundaries, and now it feels hard. A few drinks. And I mean a very few - and back to the beginning? That's unbelievable to me.

My "switch" didn't trip immediately when I started to drink again. I didn't want it, and I didn't use it for stress or other "cures" - but WOA, once I did - BAM! Right back almost where I began. I am so mad right now!

In fairness, why would he think I couldn't handle a few? It wasn't until recently that I "snuck" drinks - he probably thinks I CAN have a few once in awhile. Does he not crave AL? Must not.

[KENSHO]

This is lovely Reggie. Thank you.

[KENSHO]

Feeling a bit blue this morning. It's cloudy and the light is changing, and I SO loved sleeping in a bit. Getting up at 6:30 just feels wrong to my body! It's downright painful! I seem to do so much better going to bed at 10:30 and getting up at 8:00. That's about right.

My kids are struggling a bit right now. They had a great summer, and back to school has been a transition. When I see them struggle, my first reaction is to think it's my fault - that I'm not a good enough mom on some level. I work a lot (though I try very hard to be present every evening and morning). But I could work less and pick them up after school. What drives me to care so much about career when my kids are so young? I really want to be there for them - what the hell am I doing? They need me. BUT at the same time, struggling is a part of life and they will go through it. It is also part of their journey, and it's not "all my fault". I suspect they will get in the groove and so will I. I do want to get some of these projects off my plate and be with them - not because it will damage them if I don't, but because I WANT to be there with them through this part of their life. I want to volunteer at the school, pick them up a couple days a week right after school so they don't go to aftercare. I love them so dearly - it just hurts to see them hurt.