Keeping track of where I am

[Guitarista]

Choices. Can you try to limit any more potential damage by stopping, and grabbing a cup of water and calling it a night?

[Choices]

Thanks G-man I have done just that. I actually wanted more but my body was not having it. I dumped the rest down the drain. This is new. I usually would have poured the rest of my glass into the bottle and saved it. So all up I found a beer hidden in the fridge. And 2 huge glasses of wine. I don't feel great.. but I don't feel too bad. Not blacked out. But I'll see what I wrote tomorrow to make sure. I'm in bed with a huge glass of water. that has lemon in it.

[Choices]

I am going to attempt to try this again. I've been away... Been drinking, and it's not working out. Today I am as hungover as I was in October when I came back to MWO. I don't even want to go into the unsafe amount I had last night. I don't feel scared or overall depressed...I guess I wouldn't say I feel as doomed. I'm just really concerned physically about what I somehow seam to do after months of drinking... Not always too much.. But too much overall. And I'm tired of feeling like crap.. Really over it. I am going for two weeks because I know I can do that.

[Choices]

Wow, I do not have Al in the house and my girl is sleeping so no way of leaving to get some, but if I did.. I probably would cave. In saying that I'm not giving myself a lot of credit.. But I'm wanting to write something down to either take my mind off of it and find some peace. I know I can make it two weeks. I don't know if I can make it past that, or if I want to. I know I should, but ahhh! I don't know if I need to freak out.. I said two weeks so thats what it is and I really do not have to think about it until then. So I will stop. I think what I have is monkey mind! Whatever that is. It would probably be good to do some yoga and meditate. If I wasn't so tired I would... I've also started trying to go to church. I wasn't raised religious. But I did find some real peace there. My last hangover I just kept praying and praying I wouldn't have to take myself to the hospital and that I could get through the day. I prayed I wouldn't feel so ill. I prayed for my organs. I promised I wouldn't drink again if I could just get through that day. Last night and tonight I prayed that I would stop thinking about drinking for strength. All I can say is it helped and there was peace in it. I actually do not know how I feel numb? About trying to quit. I'd love to have the vigor I have had in the past.. but because I find myself here again.. i just need to feel calm and steady. I am really thankful I don't hate myself like I have in the past.. during this part of the process. That has to be progress. I'm typing to type. I'm not struggling as I have in the past.. there is nothing here to trip me up, and I did that. I made sure of that. We were out and about and even at a mall where I could have easily picked something up. But I didn't. At the mall we had a stressful and fun time with another parent.. two mums and two 3.5 year olds .. tricky.. this would have sent me off getting a bottle on the way home.. to just float off into the evening. But I didn't do it. I really love my daughter and husband. And I am trying to love myself more. I can feel pretty good about myself a few drinks in. Life feels meaningful and intense.. but it really can turn.. and for the worst more often then not. Even if it doesn't it's taxing on my soul and I know it.

[Choices]

I have insomnia boo-hoo me! I feel a lot better then I did a few hours ago when I wrote that post! That's for sure... I've been just wasting tons of time on FB, watching the good wife, and looking at photos of my girl and videos I've taken. I should be studying for my course this Saturday. It is in permaculture. I love it but just have not been able to focus! And I had two huge bowls of cornflakes with sugar on top. I've been kinda avoiding sugar because of all the info out there about it.. but i was peckish and really wanted cake or a cookie something sweat! The cereal with sugar on top it the spot. Might be my new treat. Sounds so innocent! Holly crap.. and I can't believe I felt guilty about it eating after 9pm. There really is too much information about everything out there nothing is good for you or what is good for you all of a sudden isn't! I get overwhelmed with it all and tryign to be good all the time. I need to go a lot easier on myself. That might have something to do with why I drank too much too and why I had a hard time stopping once I started.. or couldn't stop if there was too easy access to more. I just needed to fricken relax. Calm down. I can do this without AL for sure but I forget how. Ag.. I wish I could sleep. I was planning on hitting the gym tomorrow after drop off but seeing as it's 2:16 am.. I will happily give it a miss and maybe just organize something. Maybe a few shelves in my closet. Hubby is home tomorrow.. so back to cooking proper again.. I'm glad he is coming home. He sounds in a pretty good mood and it will be nice to all be together again. My girl misses him terribly.. and doesn't want to sleep in her room when he is gone. So sleeps with me. It's actually really nice.. OK>> I'm going to try again to fall asleep.. I'm not thinking of anything upsetting or bad.. just monkey mind.. Thank God I'm not drunk right now and out of wine.. that would really suck! And then to wake up in the morning and for a split second feel good.. only to realize I drank the whole bottle again and then a bunch of cheese and crackers. This is all worth it.

[Inthesky]

Oh Choices,
Hang in there! I get to over thinking everything too Take it for what it is just that. Our minds have been currupted by the poison we struggle not to ingest. For what it is worth I say a prayer every morning and night of gratitude trying to find my peace also. I think I read you used the Allan Carr book to quit smoking (I'm currently reading it) and it worked right? Do you regret not smoking? Well the same applies to not drinking alcohol, in 5 years will you regret it? No of course not! Lol Our brains are funny that way.
Hang in there and arm yourself with whatever it takes to protect your AF right now ! I'm only on Day 5 again so I'm not the most knowledgeable at all but I have learned some hard lessons.
Sky

[Choices]

Thanks Sky,

Your completely right. It's morning now and I am now 7 days. I can remember last week this time I thought I might die. I love the gratitude idea. So I think I'll add that to my routine. I am so tired from insomnia.. but I'm SO relieved I didn't drink anything!

[Choices]

I am having a pink cloud day. Not completely sure what it means because I haven't been to AA but I'm pretty sure this is it. I just wanted to document it because it is these kind of days that can be just as tricky for me.. Very confident, can do anything I put my mind to sort of feelings.. like I can handle anything.. Even AL if I wish... I'm home, DD is in the tub... we are in for the night.. .it's raining cats and dogs... SO, no way I'd pack us up into the car to get booze. And no way I'd tell hubby to pick me up any either... SO just going to ride this cloud.. it is nice, may as well enjoy it.

[Choices]

Re: Keeping track of where I am

Well here it is years later and I am looking to find out where I am again. I am wanting to get healthy this year, I miss my health and drinking just gets in the way of that. This past year and a half I have drank somewhat in moderation, which is more than likely overdrinking.. but less than I have done in my past. I didn't drink to black out stage, which is progress. But what I hate about drinking is loosing my motivation to become fit and healthy. It just ruins it. I did a two week AF right before Christmas, a tricky time for sure, but also I was just really sick of feeling yucky. I don't drink every day, I probably have about a bottle of wine a week. (Typically) Sometimes this esclates, sometimes its less. I'd say, at this stage, I do not feel pulled to drink. I actually don't want to. Here is where I get stuck... I get on a good track, and an event comes up, not a big one.but there is drinking involved... and I decide out of lazyness to join in. There isn't a heck of a lot of pressure, maybe some. But I just decide not to say no. Then I don't care for a while.. and I'm a drinker. Then I feel like crap, bloated and fat and decide to loose weight, which always leads to knowing if I drink I won't be able to do that. Anyway, I'm rambling... I'm posting... and I'm not sure where I'm at. But, I don't want to drink for a while. I'm going to try 30 days.

[Lunarer]

Re: Keeping track of where I am

Hey, Choices.

That's what I did. I thought that forever seemed like such a long time that it was better to just try for 30 days. Once that was done I tried for 90.

I'll soon be three years. Might as well try for four after that.

Bests.

[Choices]

Re: Keeping track of where I am

Well, here I am day 3. I'm pretty down. Not because of wanting to drink or because of anything I did while I drank.. but because emotions are just hitting me filled with sadness today. Maybe I have been pushing them away to try and get through this past year with alcohol. All be it not as heavy... It kept some sadness at bay. It could be I have a make up test in an hour that I am not going to take. This means I failed this course for the year. I just can't lift my head up. I need a break from all the stress of school and pressure.

[Choices]

Re: Keeping track of where I am

Evening here. It is so hot! I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier today. I still have a paper to finish and turn in by Friday 9 am and then I am officially done with last semester. I think it was that and the test that I chose to forgo that are playing on my mind. Everything is good on the homefront. My daughter started back to school today. It feels like a long time ago since I saw her sing in the Christmas concert, but it wasn't even a month ago. What a huge month! So many things to come down from.

I am very glad to be doing this January alcohol-free. I can not wait to feel better. Drinking is such a waste of time. It might be fun briefly but it's not worth it. I hate feeling hungover. It is the worst. I'm thankful that I don't have any massive upsets about my drinking that are scaring me strait as I have hated how that felt aswell. Very out of control. I feel in control. Just done. It's nice to be back here. I miss how busy it was when I first came to MWO.

I stuck to my diet again today and I am feeling better physically already. I also made healthy ice popsicles with my daughter after school. She took such delight in our new gadget. She is such a lovely child. I am very lucky.