Please find me?

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Please find me?

I was so disturbed & wracked with guilt I couldn't even speak about what was wrong at Christmas time - then in only two months I accidentally blurted out the real me & true feelings about everything that matters to me in the Army (sorry for freaking people out)

Hi Lost Soul, how are you doing?
I remember that post on the army thread, I can only speak personally but I am glad you felt strong enough to share with us. IMO it can only be helpful to get the truth of how we are feeling out there, even the act of writing things down is a part of the healing process, at least that's how it is for me. So don't feel you are freeking people out stop you, for I would guess nearly all of us here have a past, we didn't just get to where were because we liked the taste of booze so much.

[Lost Soul]

Re: Please find me?

Hi Kuya,
I'm so glad I didn't upset or distress you. I think Sydney Bank's work is so helpful & felt bad to disagree with it because of this but also know it didn't reach me completely or sit right for some reason but wasn't quite ready to consider or discuss why at the time.
I really liked those clips on you tube - they make so much sense & am glad they work for some people but I just don't think they quite 'fit me' right, if that makes sense? I think I used to gain alot of comfort from the idea of letting past hurt go & focusing on today - but don't quite have the faith in that idea for myself anymore.

Carpe Diem (2001) a gay poem I wrote ages ago, lol

Time moves so fast.
Slow down so one may
Breathe & see.
Nothing in life is constant,
Put no trust in the future.
The past is a collection of chosen memories,
That has no bearing on ourselves
Or our future.
Now is all that matters,
Life is so fragile.
Live every moment,
Of every day,
As if it's your last.
Life wil dance with with you,
If you let it.

Cringing writing that, (although it's rubbish & poor for someone who likes writing) because for me, it's so unreal & in denial. I can't pretend it's that easy I know I might have it wrong & just need to give it more time, but have reservations about if it is my true path.

I can't help feel my true path really lies in my 'pain & suffering' sort of. But not in succumbing to it but conquering it & learning to use it for good. This is a very dark & old writing, when I didn't have a way out but it does reflect half of my problem/solution (whichever way you look at it? )

One moment (1998)

One moment it takes to change the future,
To make things matter, to make them count.
In just a breath, a life can change,
For better, for worse or to end forever.

Is it care or chance in that split second,
That brings us together or tears us apart?
In one nerveless moment you're less than able
Or do things you never thought you could.

But that's the point, the darker side,
When people don't think they make mistakes.
When things are said they can't come back
And things you do you can't undo.

That in a moment a life's destroyed.
In one single moment you find something bad.
In that one moment you so regret,
I'm just one moment you lose so much.

The way life is, it's so unjust.
How can one make such big decisions?
Just takes one moment to push a button,
Just one final moment to destroy us all.

I know, very doom & gloom only & it used to be a curse, the way I am, to feel deeply. But I know in my heart it is a blessing if I can manage it without zoning out with AL. So many people before me have done this so hope to be able to in the future.

Hi Tabbers,
Thankyou so much for coming to find me x I feel a bit wobbly about talking about big stuff but also know the why is/was for a good reason was a good one (even though I don't feel like it now) I think sometimes I have to make a choice as to who I am speaking to. I felt bad that I might hurt people already affected by suicide & they'd think I was suggesting they could do more when they couldn't no one can. But I read & was scared anyone reading with thoughts about hurting themselves too scared or frightened to post might feel like 'permission' was given by the suggestion that it was the right way out for someone, in case they thought it was their fault for feeling sad. I decided to speak to anyone there, in that place & (where I was) & ignore everyone else. & suggest they always have hope x Going back 19 years to come back to today was a bit too much for me but glad I did. It was nice another member chatted to me like a person & not some broken thing (thanks Satz). Just in case it helped someone, it would be worth all the pain x

[kuya]

Re: Please find me?

Don't worry about 3Ps not sitting right for you. That is not unusual. Each in their own way and time

[Lost Soul]

Re: Please find me?

Being gross & marking my place x
Will be okay x

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

LS I lapsed for a couple days. But I'm back too. Glad you are too. I keep in mind that unless some mix of drugs will kill me I always have a way back. Welcome back!!!

[Guitarista]

Re: Please find me?

Yo! How are ya? :happy2:

YouTube

[Lost Soul]

Re: Please find me?

Hi [MENTION=23850]empyr3al[/MENTION] how are you doing? I am on day 3 atm so not great progress 'yet' but we all started on day 1 so there's always hope as long as we never give in x Glad you found your way back too
[MENTION=7261]Guitarista[/MENTION] I haven't watched that video in ages all his videos are lots of fun really! Hope you're rocking out down the beach pad

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

I'm alive and kicking thankfully. Its taking a bit in the mornings to get going but I'm using dog therapy and that works for me. I also hustle physically for about 3 hours hardcore minimum a day and have about 5 of just stress doing other stuff. But I'm doing okay. Just got Vostavax because my benefits cover it. Its not covered until 50 in Canada unless you have benefits and a good doc. I'm not an anti vax person as I've seen the pain things like Shingles cause. So if my benefits cover it I'll take it. Loving life with my poovanese (its a dog) which I get late week until mid weekend. Kind of a custody thing thats going on. I find it helps me alot. I hope you are doing well. Starting from what we have been taught we assume it scratch and its is very hard to do. I just forget the shame and move on. Also taking the time to do some hobbies like cooking, setting up my business. Taking everything I learned from therapy and applying it. I will be honest I cry at least once a day; but that goes with the territory. I never used to cry, it's only been recently. Not sure if its a med or acceptance of some things in life that are hard.
[MENTION=9078]Lost Soul[/MENTION] Keep on pushing.

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

I spent a couple weeks here and there trying to help a friend. I didn't see him but talked on the phone. He was totally intoxicated pleading for help as his wife went to Alanon. I tried to offer help but because my sobriety is so fragile I couldn't go see him. He was a huge reason why my marriage is in shambles and I drank for years. Years of issues. He talks gibberish 90% of the time. He called today bragging about his new electric bike. I don't care. Totally ignored anything I tried to advise him about how to solve his problems. Honestly, in the year and a bit I haven't been friends with him I've got my license back and a new truck. I don't care about your electric bike to be honest. I have worked HARD to get back what I had. I have a nice Giant 29er bike thats manual for actual biking; not transportation. I don't need that crap anymore. I am thinking that call a couple weeks ago is what knocked me off me off my rock. I was sober for so long. I took all advice and avoided other addicts. I took the call and I believed he wanted help. He now calls me and doesnt want any referrals or drug advice or anything. It is breaking my heart. I will stop taking the calls. I think this is why they say to be sober for a year before trying to help anyone else.

[Lost Soul]

Re: Please find me?

[MENTION=23850]empyr3al[/MENTION] , glad you have such a good AF plan. You sound like you're doing great & taking good care of your health. I wholeheartedly agree that hobbies & doing things we really enjoy is a great tool because finding & maintaining sobriety can be hard & alot of work, so it really helps when we can do things enjoyable and fun too! I wish I was more motivated exercise wise, so good on you - gets our serotonin levels up which is always good! I certainly always feel better & a sense of achievement when I've been busy physically and feel like I've done a days work. I think if you've felt sad or upset, it's good to get it out, I know for me acknowledging my feelings & then being at a place where I can move on from them is my goal anyway x I hope you feel better soon x

I am sorry that you found in trying to help your friend, you feel it may have knocked you off your path. I think in general it is a very good & kind trait to want & be willing to help others & certainly no failing on your part that it seems your friend is not willing or ready to accept your help yet Although I appreciate it can be very painful. I really think that you are doing the right thing distancing yourself from him & the situation. Sometimes you really have to put yourself first, not in a selfish way, but because it sounds your friend isn't being kind to himself & in turn not treating you fairly. Notwithstanding the alcoholism issue, I try to remember the wise advice I once heard, "only give as much of yourself as you are able to afford." So although we may be awesome we are not invincible so take care x I hope your friend can find peace x

I'm good, only at day 6 AF so I am not as strong as I would like to be yet but will be trying to keep distracted without pushing myself too hard & the only way is up & out The weather here is beautiful at the moment so have been enjoying being outside alot. Im a planted tank hobbyist so thinking about tinkering with my big tank & planning a new scape in a 60l I have - so that's keeping me out of trouble

Take care
LS

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

My friend called my father and he was smart enough not to answer. He doesn't dare call me. The screenshots of what I said is crazy. But what I've been taught is to keep your distance or destroy friendships so you can be sober. It hurts; but its neccessary.

Today was a hard day for me. I let my dog back to my "wife" after 5 days. I hear him sometimes coming to me and he isn't. I also saw my step daughter for a couple minutes. I haven't seen her in six months!!! I cried for a couple minutes to be honest. I have spent hours teaching her from age 4 to 9. She is not mine; but still my pride and joy. I spent a half hour a day on a good day mind you... often more teaching her what I put on her walls. Not to mention everything else like what a praying mantis is. Maps of the world and countries, times tables, math, language, the table of elements. Everything I could get my hands on to teach her. Put glowing stars on her ceiling, made her lights really cool. I miss her so much. I valued being taught what I know; so pass it on. Blessed being intellectual and sober but at the moment I feel really, really, really alone.

Its kind of a tease having contact with your wife for moments though its stale and dull... Spending time with an animal you trained since it pissed on you as a puppy on its drive to the house. Seeing what I consider my daughter. Rough day. AF

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

I feel very alone right now. My dog is not in his crate or on my bed. I don't have a step daughter hugging me and asking me for help. I even miss my wife yelling at me even though I mowed the lawn, sprayed the house down and washed the cars. That is stuff that I actually miss. Not sure if anyone else relates at all. I will take my mirt and go to sleep but tomorrow is still going to be a struggle. Guess because I don't have my dog I'll do a bike ride. Hoping for no rain!

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

LS, whats a plant tank hobbiest?

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

mantis.jpg These things are freaky. Though I'm paranoid of walking sticks way more. Mantis' are cool creatures and not invisible like walking sticks. Just a piece of what I taught my step daughter.

[empyr3al]

Re: Please find me?

Maybe is anyone is die hard AA they might find this photo interesting. Its of a coin that I got. I'll get the flip side of it if you care to see it. PM me.akron.jpg