So lost

[Wildflowers]

Re: So lost

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. For myself, it has left an empty place, like something is missing. It gets a bit easier with time. I'm so sorry to hear of your relationship with your Dad, not being the best. Many things in life, are out of our control. I use the Serenity Prayer to help. Try and discuss with another person. These may help you to.

Like others have said, no worries on eating whatever you like. A little bit of chocolate helps me in a pinch with cravings. I was sober at one point for 19 months, had a slip, then another 3 months. Then binges. Like you said off to the races. I still looked at people the way you describe. I think it really is different for everyone. Have known people who are sober 20 yrs, others a couple, etc. Think it comes in waves. The good part is your accepting this. " know it can never be like that again!" Half the battle imo. It's normal to feel tired. It will get better. Try and get as much rest as possible. Hard being a Mom.. Hope your son had a nice b-day. :smile:

Try looking down at your feet and keeping your focus in today. The now. Your liver re-testing is a little ways down the Rd. Hard, I know. I'm not sure if your in USA. Pretty sure you have legal rights to your test results (including reference ranges). There are several plant based, healing remedies. Many RX's are plants. Re-created in labs. It's good to ck with your Dr. Different Dr's may disagree. At least in my experiences. Agree with Neo that many primary Dr's don't understand addiction. Being our own advocates can be helpful.

Your trip sounds very exciting. :smile: You can and will have more fun being sober!.. Hope you have a good weekend.... Your doing great!.... :thumbsup:

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

Thanks Wildflowers! Maybe I'd rather not know the exact numbers because that would lead me down the rabbit hole of Google and diagnosing myself. I am in the Us and given the litigious nature here I feel if there was any true danger she'd have me in for further testing -- I was brutally honest about it all so she knows what I had been doing. I was unaware that those enzymes could be elevated simply by one drinking 3 or 4 drinks within 24 hours of the test even if they fasted the requisite hours. That was something the dr told me. Of course she said if it was a huge elevation that is totally different and probably means there has been some chronic abuse or damage. The binges are strange. I will have 3 or 4 awful days and then 3.5 weeks of nothing. But those days I feel like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas-- not truly but for me-- yes. I was really worried about my triglycerides and diabetes before but they were very good about 4 months ago. The next test will be fasting. Monday ( my bday) I will start the exercise in earnest. Maybe I'll be so tired and sore I will not think of drinking!

[paulywogg]

Re: So lost

Hi Tidegirl, I've been reading your thread and just wanted to say congrats on day 2 I get the Nicolas Cage reference, I felt like that during my last bender tired of the roller coaster too,I'll be following your story

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

Thanks Pauley. It's like I am in a fugue during those days. Last time I actually saved the cans and bottles in a chest-- not really out of shame though I was ashamed. But I wanted to see how much I put away. Good Lord-- it was awful! So I really got a gage of how mindless I am. If it was a matter of knowing -- yeah-- I have 6 drinks or whatever a night on a binge when I start that would be bad but at least I'd know. Some I truly don't remember! I never drove drunk or anything but I drank my husband's hockey beer ( he doesn't look between games) and then-- shame--replaced it. I told him hide it or take it away where I cannot ever get to it -- because I generally don't just go buy booze randomly. I might buy some we share then he goes to bed and I drink his. He has now taken everything out and I am so glad. It's just easier now. I hope one day it won't matter and he can do what he wants but right now I don't think I need the temptation. My boy has exams this week and so we will be studying-- i have a bday Monday but no fun then -- maybe a dinner Friday

[paulywogg]

Re: So lost

That's crazy cuz a friend and I referred to our drinking as a "fugue state" while buying the alcohol, its like you are completely zoned out before,during and after,ugh,I only ever drink ugly beer and of course would only buy enough to "take it easy" yeah right! Pound those and unfortunately drive and get more,make sure I buy enough for the next day to stop the inevitable shakes,go buy more,etc,etc absolute madness and when I get like that I almost think I belong in a mental institution because.. who does that? I'm like you in that I can go weeks,months without drinking then something in me snaps,not sure if I'm just a self sabotager or what,or I just make excuses to drink,if I'm just plain nuts,I don't know, I was a daily drinker for about 7 years,found MWO and finally strung some sober days together, then months and I've been working on myself ever since but dang I'm ready to be fixed! Sorry for rambling on your thread,just feeling tired and alone tonight an early bedtime for me tonight that's for sure

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

Wow-- so glad that someone else can relate to the fugue! I don't think you need to be in a mental place-- there's just a glitch in our brains we have to fix by therapy or medicine or something. I always thought I could do it alone but I finally realized I can't. If it were a matter of just making it happen by really wishing it to-- it would have been done long ago! I used to think the same about my weight-- I was always thin then got pregnant and gained 80 lbs! Being 38 then it was hell to lose and it stayed for 7 years until I finally put the work in with working out, eating clean etc. saw results then slipped some about a year after my mom died-- gained 30 back and now am on the last 10 to lose. Again I'll need to put in true work to get that gone. I sometimes resent that it all seems so hard! But that won't get me anywhere so I suppose it will just be work until it clicks. I believe that as long as we are alive we can't be too far gone ( I hope))

[paulywogg]

Re: So lost

Happy birthday Tidegirl hope you have a great AF day,how you feeling?

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

Thank you! No special plans-- am helping my boy study for his exams and trying to
Prepare some healthy meals for the week. We will go out Friday night. It is rainy and gloomy here. My husband and son bought me 5 private tennis lessons for my bday. I have been wanting to learn to play and this will be the push I need to do it-- I'm in good walking shape but I know running around the court might kill me! Unfortunately we got word that my father in law who just had open heart surgery had a heart attack while doing his rehab today. He is stabilized but that certainly is a bad sign as that isn't even really rigorous activity. He's apparently going into afib and the medicines aren't really doing much to help him. I'd hate if anything happened at all but especially today as I'd remember this day poorly ( not that I'm too crazy about it given that I'm a year older)! So far so good on not drinking. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I just need to break out of the pattern of abstinence and then a binge to straight abstinence. Moderation is not possible for me-- I might luck up once or twice and have had a couple glasses of wine but the next day I'd likely be off to the races! Have a good day!

[paulywogg]

Re: So lost

How's your week going Tidegirl? Hope to see you today

[empyr3al]

Re: So lost

Sending you love.

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

I screwed up. I had some sake for my bday meal. I feel hopeless now. I know I will withdraw just like before. My husband is gone playing tennis and he's just about done with me.i truly wish I could disappear

[Orimus]

Re: So lost

You will get through this moment Tidegirl, it will pass. See it as it truly is and as part of the reason to imagine the life you want to live. Wishing to disappear is why Alcohol took over -it's a place to hide, to numb, to let life pass us by. Look at yourself in the mirror, give yourself a big smile and a big hug. We are not our past, we are the future that we choose. You may get knocked down many times but the important part is that you get up each time, let the moment go and choose the next one. You are changing your lifestyle and that takes time so be gentle with yourself. If you have not gotten over to the newbie's nest yet I would urge you to do so.

[Lost Soul]

Re: So lost

Hi Tide Girl,
So sorry to hear that you drank Though I think it's very brave to come right back and post. I think it's the nature of addiction to slip & relapse and although can be very disheartening when it happens I think it can also be a good opportunity to learn from & perhaps use more tools & have a plan in place for certain situations. Be kind to yourself now, the road ahead is hard but worth it xxx

[Tidegirl]

Re: So lost

I'm terrified again of the effects of this. My son is with his friend and I've changed all his appointments because I feel sick as hell. I wish I were dead-- this is awful

[paulywogg]

Re: So lost

Tidegirl, don't say that! Write down EVERY grotesque feeling that you're feeling right now,down to the stomach probs,shakes,etc,big((hugs))