I went batshit crazy every time i drank. Now I drink like a normie

[sammymaguire]

This is my story.

20 years ago I felt a blackness in my brain. I felt my personality disintegrate at that very moment. It was the most profound and most unsettling sensation that I had ever experienced in my life. I will never forget it because it was the day that my life changed.

That night 3 alcohol problems appeared that were never there before. They lasted for 20 years.

1 My alcohol off switch blew up. One drink would trigger mega cravings for more.

2 I developed mega blackouts

3 I became a messy fighting drunk. I was a peaceful drunk before that night.

The docs didnt want to know. They ordered brain scans and when they were negative they booted me out the door.

Last year a doc suggested that the blackness was the start of mixed state bipolar. She suggested that the bipolar activated a nasty alcoholic gene. She explained that the relationship between bipolar and alcohol abuse was not clearly understood. It is not all about self medicating.

She put me on Lamictal 150mg. It wiped out a layer of depression that I never knew I had but the 3 alcohol problems were still there.

Then she put me on abilify maintena. The 3 problems disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Then she put me on Sertraline for anxiety. That was the cherry on the cake.

I have been drinking like a normie for 6 + months now.

I would now appear to be a cured alcoholic but I am smart enough to know that the docs will probably never talk about cured alcoholics in my lifetime. The universities are just not there yet. Your grandchildren might hear about them.

Even the doc who cured me sang the suspicious minds song instead of giving herself a pat on the back. I gave her a very big xmas present anyway.

I enjoy reading about alcoholics who are trying ro rewire their brains. I devoured rj jewells/olivier amisons books in one sitting. I was glued to every page.

This website is right for me. The AA websites give me the heebie jeebies. AA made me suicidal. Thank God I never have to listen to their jargon again.

I have no idea why every bipolar alcoholic is not telling this story but they are not.
Maybe there are different subtypes of bipolar out there. Maybe the doc was wrong. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway I appear to be home and dry. I hope you find your way out too.

[Lost Soul]

Re: I went batshit crazy every time i drank. Now I drink like a normie

I am very happy to hear you found your way out :hug:
very well done.
Take care
LS

[sammymaguire]

Re: I went batshit crazy every time i drank. Now I drink like a normie

Thanks. You too.x

[empyr3al]

Re: I went batshit crazy every time i drank. Now I drink like a normie

The docs didnt want to know. They ordered brain scans and when they were negative they booted me out the door.

The same has happened to me. I can appear completely normal and function and do insanely incredible things when my focus is directed. Catch me at the wrong time and things are not in order but I adapt fast. I used ALC to make that smoother instead of overwhelming shock.

I would now appear to be a cured alcoholic but I am smart enough to know that the docs will probably never talk about cured alcoholics in my lifetime. The universities are just not there yet. Your grandchildren might hear about them.

We are all guinea pigs and we are learning as we go I believe.

Even the doc who cured me sang the suspicious minds song instead of giving herself a pat on the back. I gave her a very big xmas present anyway.

Yeah the doubt is what is stopping us from being aka cured. There are studies about this pattern of behavior and if you are curious message me. What was once said is this "The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him; and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show your distrust." - Henry L. Stimson This was during World War II and how Russia, Germany and prior to the entrance of war was from the Americas. Something that has stuck with me very hard. May touch on the bipolar you mention.

I notice everything all the time. So I was actually doing psychology on my psychologist. I knew what he liked. Picked the awesomest gift for him for Christmas. Caring.

I enjoy reading about alcoholics who are trying ro rewire their brains. I devoured rj jewells/olivier amisons books in one sitting. I was glued to every page.

I haven't read it but I will. I think we are not talking about rewiring but altering some things.

This website is right for me. The AA websites give me the heebie jeebies. AA made me suicidal. Thank God I never have to listen to their jargon again.

Forums are right for a lot of us especially when AA does not match. It equals failure for many. I was raised religious so I know where it all came from but my opinion is that it is corrupted. But thats with everything. CBT works pretty well and has worked for me but I was raised understanding all of this stuff so its all in the tool I choose. So choose a tool.

I have no idea why every bipolar alcoholic is not telling this story but they are not.
Maybe there are different subtypes of bipolar out there. Maybe the doc was wrong. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway I appear to be home and dry. I hope you find your way out too.

I have read the DSM IV and DSM V (5). I know how classifications work. I am avoiding being classed as anything because it would change a ton of things. I do acklowledge I suffer for either Major Depressive Disorder or maybe its only Situational Disorder. There are a couple things I wonder about that we are making in subdivisions that do not cross boundaries. You can have 2 or more of the diagnosies but they don't hit the target.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope what I have said can make a difference for you. Especially the bit about how we are treating addiction with AA/NA/CA or whether its pharma. CBT is interesting.

[outofchances]

Re: I went batshit crazy every time i drank. Now I drink like a normie

Jaysus Sammy - I can relate to a lot of that. I never had the brain scans, but often wondered if there was something wrong there. I've been diagnosed with depression, and have gone through several medications, and long periods of no medication too. It's like the outburst come from nowhere. I get violent and aggressive. I started taking Sertraline late last year, and for a while I did start drinking like a "normie". But that lulled me into a false sense of security. That was fine on a nice evening out with the OH when there was no pressure, but put me in a party situation and the off switch dissappeared. That was New Years Eve. Luckily there was no outburst that night. But pretty soon, there was more nights where the off switch wasn;t triggered. Eventually I was in a very stressful situation at home - I had decided to sneakily smoke weed. I got found out but there was no confrontation. I went downstairs for a nightcap to ease my anxiety - then my off switch failed in spectacular style. That was the final straw of many final straws for my long suffering OH. Anyways, your post has grabbed my interest. My life since about 15 has been one long mess of being in and out of addiction. The mental health issues kicked in in my early 20s along with heavy drinking and heavy repeatedly turned my life upside down. If it's not too much to ask, I would be interested in talking to this doctor you mentioned, even if it was just to confirm that I'm not in the same boat as you. For now, I;m not going to drink, because it makes me batshit crazy at the most unpredictable times - and the blackouts were becoming more and more frequent.