mae all how are we ,good hopefully ..there was a strange orange thing in the sky earlier with a bit of blue...it didnt hang around for long and has since been replaced by vertical/horizontal water .blue has turned to a pretty shade of grey bordering on black....and some people have got sunshine???how come ..we have got snow and rain on the way..All the drama over hereabout immigration laws and asylum seeker will be irrellevant soon ..the fkn place will have sunk!!Never went detecting ,good idea methinks .Julie off work tomorrow ..we were going for a bimble over the moors but its wall to wall rain tomorrow with the chance of snow..
hope everyone is well.
Not much of a prize for coming first......I hear Bernie Sanders won the Nevada cactuses.
I went to see a palm reader.
She read my palm and said, "That will be £125, please."
"Let me see your palms."
She turned her palms up. "What about them?"
I said ..if you look closely you can see the letters thief
The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.
"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.
"No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."
"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.
Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.
In England, there's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Summer in the UK usually:
Hallo, did you have a good Summer?
Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice shoes...love your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"
I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."
My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.
Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny — period.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro: what a rip off!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
and not forgetting...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Husband caught in the act
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"
hope everyone is well.
Not much of a prize for coming first......I hear Bernie Sanders won the Nevada cactuses.
I went to see a palm reader.
She read my palm and said, "That will be £125, please."
"Let me see your palms."
She turned her palms up. "What about them?"
I said ..if you look closely you can see the letters thief
The guest had heard the strains of classical music but when he entered the drawing room he was amazed to see a large tomcat playing the piano.
"And there is no sheet music," he noted with further astonishment.
"No," said the proud owner. "Thomas writes and memorizes his own music and the piece he is playing now is one of my favourites."
"You should have him orchestrated," said the guest.
Thomas the tomcat leapt out of the window and has never been seen since.
In England, there's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Summer in the UK usually:
Hallo, did you have a good Summer?
Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.
A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I walked into a bar the other night and bought a drink. As I was leaving the bar, a bowl of nuts said "Ohh..nice shoes...love your hair". "Well", I thought, "that's odd!" So I walked to the cigarette machine and it starts shouting..."Oi...f@#k off you dickhead! I'll smash your face in!"
I went back to the bar to ask the bar tender what was going on and he said "Oh, sorry sir.... the nuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine's out of order."
My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crimes.
Q: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" asked my mate.
A: "Can you do an impression of a Parrot?" I replied.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny — period.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Velcro: what a rip off!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
and not forgetting...
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Husband caught in the act
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.
Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly.
When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"
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