Rock bottom for me

[cloudjockey]

I'm not really much of a typer, but I need to get this off of my chest. I'm been drunk for about 10 years now. I have went to the doctor many times and got topa (could not that it becusea of my eyes), and campral. My marraige was has have it share of problems, but over all pretty good. I have two small children. The last 2 years, my wife has been pulling away from me and becomming more in more involved with her career. She make very good money and wants to take on the world. I'm happy for her, but she is always gone away from me and the kids. I think I probably drove her to this somewhat. I just want her home more and spend time together. I went 20 day AF about 4 months ago, and thing did get better for about a week. I had a big slip and bam, back on the bottle. Something change this time in her, I think she gave up on me. Any way will have had 4 BIG fights in the last 5 day. Friday was the worst, thing were going alright, but I started getting really drunk. She said I did not really want to quite drinking and I was just looking for a magic pill and an easy way out. She really has no ideal of what is it like being an alcoholic. she got in my face with her finger and I snapped and smacked her finger out of the way, she came right back at me and I pushed her back from me. At that moment I knew I had crossed the line and just messed up pass return. She scrramed get out and call me friend to come get me.

Sorry so long... I felt something snap I me this time. I finally except that I got to stop drinking. I think before I had the hope of still drink sometime (what a lye), I finally except the fact I'm an alcoholic and there is no moderation for me. I really want to fix my marriage and my life (I need to fix myself first). The next day I told my wife that I finally understand my problem, she said she would be will to give it one last chance, but I could never drink again. I said ok. This puts a ton of pressure on me.

I'm now very scared that is is a "all or none", I feel I can do this , but it will be hard. I think the triggers are still there, but I can not dare tell her that she needs to change some things as well. I kinda feel she is going to put in about 50% effert and me 100%. I probably only deserive that much anyway. Please wish me luck. Thanks

[Guest]

Hi cloudjockey,
I wish you loads of luck, because you sure are going to need it, just like the rest of us afflicted here.

I understand that there are problems in the marriage and that your wife is something of the workaholic and that you feel your drinking has caused her to kind of seek solace in her work. I also understand that you are desperate so save what is a good marriage, which could be even better if your drinking wasn`t an issue.

Wonderful to hear that your wife has agreed to give it one last chance.Your wife has had a lot to tolerate through you drinking excessiVely, but BOY!!!!, do I feel for you.............she sure as heck doesn`t understand how the alcoholic`s brain works...............there are none of us who can truthfully say, " I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN"...............the best we can do, is say " I HOPE I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN AND I WILL DO MY UTMOST TO GET ACHIEVE AND MAINTAIN SOBRIETY ".

You come across as a man who loves his wife dearly and wishes to overcome his alcohol addiction. But you must have your wife understand that there is no miracle cure.........it is all trial and error, until we find what works for us individually.

It may help if you could get your wife to take a look at the forum on this site specifically aimed at helping family members to cope with living with an alcoholic.

I hope this helps.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[cloudjockey]

Thanks you the words and advice. We are going to see a consuler this week. I hope they will understand me and my problem. I take the majority of the blame for my mess, but still not all of it. I think this will help our marraige, I hope anyway. I'm also having of the shame and guilt I feel for turnning the fight into a physical one. I did not hit her, but pushing is just as bad. I asked her to forgive me on at least that one, she did not awnser. I unstand that this will take some time to fix. I also think she is just waiting for me to have a slip and them that will be it. thanks

[Arial]

Dear Cloudjockey

Welcome back - Starlight has pretty much said what I wanted and more eloquently too!

Best of luck with this new start - maybe whatever it was that 'clicked' is going to be the key to your new life - I think many here have found that 'something' that finally marked the end of 'trying' to give up and the start of a complete and absolute determination that this was it - end - no more life wasted/days destroyed. Keep posting here - you're amongst friends so whenever you need a little support just shout!

Warmest wishes and :l

[cloudjockey]

Thanks so much, I finally feel that a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I do not have to try and hide it from everyone anymore. I feel that going AF will be easier in the long run than going the mod route. I finally talked with my Mom also and told her everything. I did not know but this runs in the family (I never really knew that), but that makes since now. I almost feel like a new person, like I finally shed my weight and I finally can fix it now. I'm back on campral and it seems to be working great. Campral only works as well as you want it to work, and boy do I want it to work. Things with my wife and better already, we had a great time Sunday and laugh together. I'm so lucky to have her. Thanks, I will post back.

[Beaches]

Cloudjockey
Glad you are here and also that you are trying so very hard to work this out with your family. So many families are destroyed by alcohol and you are taking an active role not to let this happen. There is a similiar thread going on the General Discussion Thread posted by Mackarel who also hit rock bottom and talks about a fight with his wife that sounds very similiar to yours. Don't know if you have read that yet but it is quite powerful.
I wish you all the best Take Care.

[cloudjockey]

I will take a look at it. Going on day 5 and still feel very good about it. I'm excerising and that is helping alot. I do have a headache, but I know that's part of it. Thanks to everyone again.

[Guest]

Hi more2life,
Best of luck with the Chantrix.

Starlight Impress x

[cloudjockey]

More2life, My wife for the longest time also told me that I really did not drink too much. I think she really knew, but did not want to face it. Maybe that is how your husband is. I wish you the best also. Cloudjockey