It's my turn

[4theboyz]

it is so incredibly mind blowing to see that I first arrived here 11.5 years ago. I was a hot mess then and began my journey here to find myself and serenity. At the time I thought all I have to do is just stop drinking. We all know the bulk of that story and I actually chronicled much of it here. I am glad I did as it served a purpose to remind me just how difficult sobriety is, was, could be and would be. Sober forums provide ample proof as to just how difficult and elusive sobriety is. I kinda feel bad for not hanging out here more regularly especially when 10 days ago I popped the cork (pun intended) on TWO YEARS sober! So surreal to write 2 years sober when I tried 14 other times and was lucky to get 2 months sober before I gave up. Without this journal I would have never known I had 14 day ones on record here. Probably can add a few more I forgot to write down. And before you ask I will just tell you I don't have a great answer as to why I was able to finally stop drinking for two years now. I am sad to admit that it really came down to a choice. A choice to live or die. August 2018 I was probably 3-4 months from dying from my alcoholism. I had easily 5 straight years of a bottle of more of vodka a day and I was a goner. Yep, staring death in the face woke me up but even having death as the inevitable if I ever took a drink again, did not make the task any easier. I had no choice but to not drink, I didn't and it was rough! It took every bit of resolve, commitment and concentration to grab control over my out of control mind. Out of desperation of having exhausted all my other recovery options I surrendered to an outpatient program and also found out I had PTSD. That proved to be the engine behind my need to self medicate and numb away the stress and anxiety that consumed me. Childhood trauma had knocked my ship off course and never developed healthy coping skills. Any time stress surfaced in my life it only piled onto my social anxiety and I did all I knew to do and retreated, I hid, I cried. Life was terribly unfair, cruel, mean, at time loving and other times life abandoned me to a dark corner where I pacified my fears anyway I could muster. Drugs and alcohol found their way into my life and that helped me cope and survive and eventually take me withing an inch of my life. I am pretty certain EMDR treatment is what helped me change the tide of my alcoholism. For 2 years I have done the impossible and made it possible and enjoyable. I never thought I would be this happy or even a little happy. Sobriety is such an incredible gift that I will take my last breath protecting. Thanks to all of you who were here when I needed a place to chill and have a kind word expressed. I am forever in your debt. Thank you!

[Guitarista]

Hi 4 da boyz!

Beautiful post. Congratulations on 2 years sober! Wow, that's some achievement eh? I'm super happy for you and glad you made the choice to take back your life. I wish you lifelong happiness and contentment. Bravo! x

[Fisher1]

it is so incredibly mind blowing to see that I first arrived here 11.5 years ago. I was a hot mess then and began my journey here to find myself and serenity. At the time I thought all I have to do is just stop drinking. We all know the bulk of that story and I actually chronicled much of it here. I am glad I did as it served a purpose to remind me just how difficult sobriety is, was, could be and would be. Sober forums provide ample proof as to just how difficult and elusive sobriety is. I kinda feel bad for not hanging out here more regularly especially when 10 days ago I popped the cork (pun intended) on TWO YEARS sober! So surreal to write 2 years sober when I tried 14 other times and was lucky to get 2 months sober before I gave up. Without this journal I would have never known I had 14 day ones on record here. Probably can add a few more I forgot to write down. And before you ask I will just tell you I don't have a great answer as to why I was able to finally stop drinking for two years now. I am sad to admit that it really came down to a choice. A choice to live or die. August 2018 I was probably 3-4 months from dying from my alcoholism. I had easily 5 straight years of a bottle of more of vodka a day and I was a goner. Yep, staring death in the face woke me up but even having death as the inevitable if I ever took a drink again, did not make the task any easier. I had no choice but to not drink, I didn't and it was rough! It took every bit of resolve, commitment and concentration to grab control over my out of control mind. Out of desperation of having exhausted all my other recovery options I surrendered to an outpatient program and also found out I had PTSD. That proved to be the engine behind my need to self medicate and numb away the stress and anxiety that consumed me. Childhood trauma had knocked my ship off course and never developed healthy coping skills. Any time stress surfaced in my life it only piled onto my social anxiety and I did all I knew to do and retreated, I hid, I cried. Life was terribly unfair, cruel, mean, at time loving and other times life abandoned me to a dark corner where I pacified my fears anyway I could muster. Drugs and alcohol found their way into my life and that helped me cope and survive and eventually take me withing an inch of my life. I am pretty certain EMDR treatment is what helped me change the tide of my alcoholism. For 2 years I have done the impossible and made it possible and enjoyable. I never thought I would be this happy or even a little happy. Sobriety is such an incredible gift that I will take my last breath protecting. Thanks to all of you who were here when I needed a place to chill and have a kind word expressed. I am forever in your debt. Thank you!

Thank you very much, very motivating story!!

[Pavati]

Congratulations, 4! Two years is an amazing milestone. Onward and upward!

[4theboyz]

Health and Recovery.
I quit drinking expecting that my life would improve what I did not expect was how much my overall health would be affected. Below is a list of “ailments” many of which I had already assumed and accepted as part of both getting older and the repercussions of burning the candle at both ends that I was living with on 8/17/2018 the day I stopped drinking alcohol:

High Blood Pressure 100/160 HR 91. Today 129/75 HR 59
Debilitating Gout, joint aches and pain. Today all cleared up
Dry skin/rashes/ashen. All cleared up and healthy glow again
GERDS/ Barrets with pre-cancerous lesions. Today, Acid Reflux gone and Barrets resolved (gone)
25 lbs overweight. Today, 15 lbs less, 10 to go.
Sleep Apnea, Today it is resolved
Insomnia, today I sleep like a baby
Fainting when standing up. Not once since I quit drinking.
All of these health challenges, which I was taking prescription medications to address thinking it was part of getting old and dealing with for years now, has vastly improved or resolved completely all because I stopped drinking! The list of health benefits of stopping the drugs and or alcohol is something that IMHO should be discussed more freely. I understand the sensitive nature and randomness of discussing health issues online but feel we can do so responsibly. I say this because I really like my doctor and did discuss my alcoholism with him for a decade but he never once directly tied my health issues in with my drinking. I saw him last Monday and he is floored by my 180 turnaround since I quit 2 years ago and I asked him point blank why he did not make that connection back when. He said I hid my drinking well and my symptoms were text book for a guy in his 50’s and treated them that way. My point being is that even your trusted doctors may not make this connection to our health woes. Even though he did not come out connect my health woes to my drinking…I knew my drinking was causing me problems. Finally, my dad died from cancer due to Barrets Esophagus and I assumed mine was hereditary and probably would kill me too. My dad was an alcoholic so I guess I could argue the genetic connection from that angle and now in light that mine is gone since quitting drinking, I can only think he would still be alive today if he didn’t drink at all.

[DannyPhilips]

Thank you for the detailed description of your ailments. Indeed, how our health can better avoid bad habits.

[4theboyz]

~"Never had we seen so much A.A. in so few words," noted Wilson.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

I wanted to take this moment to share my thoughts on these few but incredibly powerful and influential words of the famous Serenity Prayer and how they have impacted my recovery and my life overall.
The first time I ever really read those words was Feb 2009 in my very first AA meeting as I surrendered my life to recovery so I could get sober and cure my addiction to alcohol. I, like so many others I hear and read about, bristled at the “God” component of the prayer as I am far removed from religion and no longer had this connection to this “God” in this prayer and was a deal breaker from the get-go. I was offered the option to substitute whatever it may be that would serve a similar role of guidance as I ventured forward on my road to recovery. That did not and has not happened and used this as an excuse to not pay too much attention to this “prayer”. Plus I felt I was pretty smart as it was and did not need a prayer to help me see the wisdom of making best choices in life (Said the alcoholic)

Anyway, my first clue that made me take a closer look at this prayer was at my dad’s funeral where my mom had printed the Serenity Prayer on his prayer card that was handed out at his funeral. At this time I was floundering in my 5th year of recovery in AA. This had to be a sign from above and had the prayer card laminated and it now has a permanent home in a pocket of my briefcase.

Fast forward to today where I am now 2 years totally sober in my 11 year journey down the road of recovery and I can look back and see just how relevant and instrumental these 25 words were and are in my recovery and my life overall. Breaking down this prayer we have the core elements needed to live a productive and sober life. It’s all there! All the lessons I have learned about tearing down the barricades that addiction erected in my life to allow me to live and function as a sober person in this world were there the whole time. “Acceptance, “Courage”, “Change” and “Wisdom” and here is why I feel those 4 words were what helped me find the key to unlock the shackles of my addiction.
I had to accept I was an alcoholic who could no longer manage my life without alcohol. I had to find to courage to admit this and seek others to help me learn to help myself. I had to then find the strength to make the changes in my life, my behaviors and my goals to create a new sober life without the option of an alcohol or drug to deal with the problems life inevitably throws our way. And then there is wisdom. Like so many addicts, I knew I was addicted to alcohol but I lacked not only the courage to accept that I was an addict, I also lacked the wisdom to know the difference that despite my incredible ability to solve every other problem I ever faced but could not fix this problem of my addiction. It took me to finally realize I lacked this wisdom and needed the wisdom of others who already recovered, therapists and finally my family who I had done so much for it was now time for me to admit I needed all their help to get sober once and for all. Probably the wisest decision I ever made.

Where it all comes together is how I now view life, how I react to life’s problems and how I employ my new found “wisdom” and how it has changed me forever. I no longer get mad or blindly angry at pretty much anything. I have fully accepted that I can never drink again which makes being sober so much easier knowing drinking is no longer an option for me and makes finding other real solutions to whatever it is so much simpler.
I encourage everyone who may have sidestepped these 25 words of the Serenity Prayer to give them another look as to get and stay sober really does require acceptance, courage, change and wisdom to tie it all together. Consider the Serenity Prayer as your sober survival tool that can come in handy more times than you may realize today but will be crystal clear when you are able to look back over what it took to get and stay sober.