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Thread: It's my turn

  1. #351
    Registered User. 4theboyz's Avatar

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    Re: Its my turn

    it is so incredibly mind blowing to see that I first arrived here 11.5 years ago. I was a hot mess then and began my journey here to find myself and serenity. At the time I thought all I have to do is just stop drinking. We all know the bulk of that story and I actually chronicled much of it here. I am glad I did as it served a purpose to remind me just how difficult sobriety is, was, could be and would be. Sober forums provide ample proof as to just how difficult and elusive sobriety is. I kinda feel bad for not hanging out here more regularly especially when 10 days ago I popped the cork (pun intended) on TWO YEARS sober! So surreal to write 2 years sober when I tried 14 other times and was lucky to get 2 months sober before I gave up. Without this journal I would have never known I had 14 day ones on record here. Probably can add a few more I forgot to write down. And before you ask I will just tell you I don't have a great answer as to why I was able to finally stop drinking for two years now. I am sad to admit that it really came down to a choice. A choice to live or die. August 2018 I was probably 3-4 months from dying from my alcoholism. I had easily 5 straight years of a bottle of more of vodka a day and I was a goner. Yep, staring death in the face woke me up but even having death as the inevitable if I ever took a drink again, did not make the task any easier. I had no choice but to not drink, I didn't and it was rough! It took every bit of resolve, commitment and concentration to grab control over my out of control mind. Out of desperation of having exhausted all my other recovery options I surrendered to an outpatient program and also found out I had PTSD. That proved to be the engine behind my need to self medicate and numb away the stress and anxiety that consumed me. Childhood trauma had knocked my ship off course and never developed healthy coping skills. Any time stress surfaced in my life it only piled onto my social anxiety and I did all I knew to do and retreated, I hid, I cried. Life was terribly unfair, cruel, mean, at time loving and other times life abandoned me to a dark corner where I pacified my fears anyway I could muster. Drugs and alcohol found their way into my life and that helped me cope and survive and eventually take me withing an inch of my life. I am pretty certain EMDR treatment is what helped me change the tide of my alcoholism. For 2 years I have done the impossible and made it possible and enjoyable. I never thought I would be this happy or even a little happy. Sobriety is such an incredible gift that I will take my last breath protecting. Thanks to all of you who were here when I needed a place to chill and have a kind word expressed. I am forever in your debt. Thank you!
    Last edited by 4theboyz; August 26th, 2020 at 03:58 PM.
    Is Addiction Really a Disease?
    Watch this and find out....
    http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

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  3. #352
    Forum Subscriber. Guitarista's Avatar

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    Re: Its my turn

    Hi 4 da boyz!

    Beautiful post. Congratulations on 2 years sober! Wow, that's some achievement eh? I'm super happy for you and glad you made the choice to take back your life. I wish you lifelong happiness and contentment. Bravo! x


    'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

    Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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  5. #353
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    Re: Its my turn

    Quote Originally Posted by 4theboyz View Post
    it is so incredibly mind blowing to see that I first arrived here 11.5 years ago. I was a hot mess then and began my journey here to find myself and serenity. At the time I thought all I have to do is just stop drinking. We all know the bulk of that story and I actually chronicled much of it here. I am glad I did as it served a purpose to remind me just how difficult sobriety is, was, could be and would be. Sober forums provide ample proof as to just how difficult and elusive sobriety is. I kinda feel bad for not hanging out here more regularly especially when 10 days ago I popped the cork (pun intended) on TWO YEARS sober! So surreal to write 2 years sober when I tried 14 other times and was lucky to get 2 months sober before I gave up. Without this journal I would have never known I had 14 day ones on record here. Probably can add a few more I forgot to write down. And before you ask I will just tell you I don't have a great answer as to why I was able to finally stop drinking for two years now. I am sad to admit that it really came down to a choice. A choice to live or die. August 2018 I was probably 3-4 months from dying from my alcoholism. I had easily 5 straight years of a bottle of more of vodka a day and I was a goner. Yep, staring death in the face woke me up but even having death as the inevitable if I ever took a drink again, did not make the task any easier. I had no choice but to not drink, I didn't and it was rough! It took every bit of resolve, commitment and concentration to grab control over my out of control mind. Out of desperation of having exhausted all my other recovery options I surrendered to an outpatient program and also found out I had PTSD. That proved to be the engine behind my need to self medicate and numb away the stress and anxiety that consumed me. Childhood trauma had knocked my ship off course and never developed healthy coping skills. Any time stress surfaced in my life it only piled onto my social anxiety and I did all I knew to do and retreated, I hid, I cried. Life was terribly unfair, cruel, mean, at time loving and other times life abandoned me to a dark corner where I pacified my fears anyway I could muster. Drugs and alcohol found their way into my life and that helped me cope and survive and eventually take me withing an inch of my life. I am pretty certain EMDR treatment is what helped me change the tide of my alcoholism. For 2 years I have done the impossible and made it possible and enjoyable. I never thought I would be this happy or even a little happy. Sobriety is such an incredible gift that I will take my last breath protecting. Thanks to all of you who were here when I needed a place to chill and have a kind word expressed. I am forever in your debt. Thank you!
    Thank you very much, very motivating story!!

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  7. #354
    Registered User. Pavati's Avatar

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    Re: It's my turn

    Congratulations, 4! Two years is an amazing milestone. Onward and upward!

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  9. #355
    Registered User. 4theboyz's Avatar

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    Re: It's my turn

    Health and Recovery.
    I quit drinking expecting that my life would improve what I did not expect was how much my overall health would be affected. Below is a list of “ailments” many of which I had already assumed and accepted as part of both getting older and the repercussions of burning the candle at both ends that I was living with on 8/17/2018 the day I stopped drinking alcohol:

    High Blood Pressure 100/160 HR 91. Today 129/75 HR 59
    Debilitating Gout, joint aches and pain. Today all cleared up
    Dry skin/rashes/ashen. All cleared up and healthy glow again
    GERDS/ Barrets with pre-cancerous lesions. Today, Acid Reflux gone and Barrets resolved (gone)
    25 lbs overweight. Today, 15 lbs less, 10 to go.
    Sleep Apnea, Today it is resolved
    Insomnia, today I sleep like a baby
    Fainting when standing up. Not once since I quit drinking.
    All of these health challenges, which I was taking prescription medications to address thinking it was part of getting old and dealing with for years now, has vastly improved or resolved completely all because I stopped drinking! The list of health benefits of stopping the drugs and or alcohol is something that IMHO should be discussed more freely. I understand the sensitive nature and randomness of discussing health issues online but feel we can do so responsibly. I say this because I really like my doctor and did discuss my alcoholism with him for a decade but he never once directly tied my health issues in with my drinking. I saw him last Monday and he is floored by my 180 turnaround since I quit 2 years ago and I asked him point blank why he did not make that connection back when. He said I hid my drinking well and my symptoms were text book for a guy in his 50’s and treated them that way. My point being is that even your trusted doctors may not make this connection to our health woes. Even though he did not come out connect my health woes to my drinking…I knew my drinking was causing me problems. Finally, my dad died from cancer due to Barrets Esophagus and I assumed mine was hereditary and probably would kill me too. My dad was an alcoholic so I guess I could argue the genetic connection from that angle and now in light that mine is gone since quitting drinking, I can only think he would still be alive today if he didn’t drink at all.
    Is Addiction Really a Disease?
    Watch this and find out....
    http://youtu.be/ekDFv7TTZ4I

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  11. #356
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    Re: It's my turn

    Thank you for the detailed description of your ailments. Indeed, how our health can better avoid bad habits.

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