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  1. #1
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    safe harbor in sight

    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp The first time I got drunk was also the first time I got stoned (I think). I was a ship unmoored on choppy waters in a thick fog, but I was having a grand ol? time. How magical life turned out to be! I was thirteen years old.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Subsequent to that exciting event, I made drinking to get drunk - and smoking weed - an increasingly frequent part of my routine. By my mid-high school years, almost on a weekly basis I could find a party at which I would get substantially wrecked. ?I still cringe at vivid memories of being utterly out of control. I think the only reason I have these memories is because they are such effective mental self-torture, something I seem also to be hooked on.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp After graduating from high school, my excessive drinking almost completely stopped for a while. However, 6 months later, in my first year of college, I sunk into a pothead phase that came and went (mostly went) for a few years. I took a leave from college after my first year and fully indulged in being directionless, but drinking didn?t yet figure significantly in my life.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp When I went back to college three years later, I again began to experience being out of control of my drinking. I can still feel the shame the morning after my 22nd birthday party. Two friends from back home were visiting, and they were not a bit like me. I knew something was wrong with the picture I was creating.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Yet I felt unable to change it. Fast forward fourteen years to now, and the blurred image of my history is of that many years binge drinking, almost always in solitude. In the past several months, drinking has gone from my reliable once or twice a week to fighting to keep it down to three times a week. Hungry? I?ll have some ale or some Guinness - it?s good for me! Lonely? Same solution. Overtired? Same. Hungover? Definitely the same solution! How about that?! It has been my solution for that long and it has never once worked! At least, not for more than a couple of hours at a time? See, beer has filled my belly, it has kept me company, given me a burst of energy, and perked me right up out of a depressive day-after feeling. Time and time again. But only for a couple of hours?
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp When the high lifts, once again I am back to shame. Shame has been an integral part of my being for too long. It is time to lift it out, and the only way for me to do that is to quit the binging. I am amazed to report that I have the life I always dreamed of: a loving husband, a small farm, a job in a small school where the students love me, and the prospect of -finally- having children of my own. At thirty six, and with the beautiful backdrop of my life, the severity of my issue is hitting me hard. I don?t have any years left to throw away before I take my health seriously enough to bear the children I yearn for.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp My husband would be pained to know how hard I am struggling with this, and that I am intentionally keeping him in the dark. An irony strikes me as I write. In high school, I always had to kiss my mother goodnight after returning from a party; did she not smell the alcohol, or did she avoid the issue?! My husband does not smell very well, so I can still get away with a good buzz as long as I don?t swerve and tip when he gets home. Am I subconsciously keeping a pattern alive? Am I still playing the rebel role? Is it Mother?s fault for not stopping that early brain wiring? Must forgive, must forgive myself most of all.
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp When we have talked of it in the past, my husband is loving and supportive. But the issue scares him, I think, and he doesn?t know what to say. So I spare him the pain of knowing. The less he knows, too, the easier it is for me to keep doing it. That deception, of course, adds leaden weight to my shame. The sneak drinking is agonizing! My husband deserves better. My soul deserves better. Go away demon!
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp Because I want to get pregnant, I can?t right now go on the topomax, or the kudzu, I think. In a past pregnancy that was not carried to term, I lost all taste for drink. I trust that will happen again, though I don?t want to have to count on it? (With the support of good reading, this site, good eating, lots of exercise, meditation, friendships, and an AA meeting here and there, I WILL overpower this affliction!) The guilt of having treated my body as I have for so long is leaving me feeling like I am not worthy of having children. I feel like I?m asking the impossible, though my gut tells me that motherhood is my destiny. (Any mothers or mothers-in-waiting out there who can relate, please tell me you hear me!)
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp The good news is that tonight I wanted to drink so badly -and my beloved husband is away so it would?ve been easy. Instead, I opened an L-Glutamine under my tongue, and quickly made some dinner. Now I sit with the cathartic experience of writing out my history, an important step in my healing. Two nights ago I drank beer. I hope and pray that that number will grow into countless nights ago?
    &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp My relationship with alcohol is the most painful I?ve ever had. Reading on the MWO site has been so very soothing. I hope it is okay to share even though I am not fully engaged in the program. Thank you to you who have read this, and if you feel to, please respond with any advice or wisdom or shared experience. Lord knows I could drink it in!

  2. #2
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    safe harbor in sight

    wow, me too

    Hello Onoclea, I know what it's like to try just to "keep it down"... Crazy when you know something is making you incredibly sick, but you crave it & feel like you need a certain amount in your system regardless. I'm also in a situation that I always thought would be a "Dream come true". Yet it seems as tho I have this "Evil Twin", who likes to jeapordize me at the drop of a hat(or twist of a cap). I'm married to a wonderful man (most of the time!), There's so many times I've let him down by being too drunk to follow thru w/plans we've made. The worst I believe was not going to our wedding reception ( it was a mo. or so after our wedding, but we got married in Reno, so my family thru a reception for us later). Pretty bad timing to be too f--ed up to make the party in our honor. My poor Husband lied for me, said I was sick, & went to the gig, w/ mostly all my family, & only his Mom &Dad there. I don't know how he can forgive me for that, I still have a hard time w/it myself... All can figure, is he knows me well. He knew before we married that I have a major problem w/control, where alcohol is concerned, not like it's any big secret around here...(We live in a small town & I'm related to at least 1/2/the county!) I had a misscariage about 2 yrs ago. Not certain, but I think my drinking had a lot to do w/that. Maybe a sign, I'm not ready, or capable at this poit in time...Not gettin any younger tho...My Husband doesn't really want kids anyway. I think I'm probably too set in ways at this phase of life. Ironic...the more I try not to drink, the more my honey does. It's about 11:30, he's out at the bar, & here I am. He got off work at 6:00. Must be "pay back" time. I'm sorry I didn't mean to write a novel! Big reply! Peace & Prayers , Judie

  3. #3
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    safe harbor in sight

    Re: wow, me too

    thanks, judie, for your thoughtful reply. and what a story you have to tell! forgiveness is a must. do it, forgive yourself. i'm trying, too, and it gets easier with the more sobriety i pack under my belt, so to speak.
    i'm currently reading a great book that is helping process all the stuff around my newfoudn sobriety. it's called healing the addictive mind by lee jampolski, phd. he;s brilliant and his words hit home. it's spiritual in nature, based somewhat on the thinking in the course in miracles which you may have heard of. good stuff. anywhoot. thanks again for your words. all the best. onoclea

  4. #4
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    safe harbor in sight

    Re: wow, me too

    Onoclea - I feel like I really know you so much better now! I am a mother of three children and with each pregnancy I stopped smoking (was a social smoker) and drinking. With my third pregnancy 8 1/2 years ago, my husband and I celebrated our anniversary when I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I tried a glass of wine and HATED it. It's like your body just knows. At least that's the way it was for me. I think that will be a good incentive for you. Get pregnant, stop drinking.

    My husband is also a wonderful man - although my friends call him an enabler, which he probably is. He's known me since we were in college together and we married when I was 21, 20 years ago. I too have done some really stupid things, i.e., fallen asleep at a concert, fallen asleep at a party, etc. He has always forgiven me and really doesn't think I have a drinking problem. But I know I do. My goal is to be able to drink like normal people - whatever that it. Maybe a glass of wine with dinner. I have no problem with beer. It's that damn white wine. Right now I'm going the sober route (1 week today) and have an appointment with a psychiatrist next Friday (depression, PTSS problems - father committed suicide when I was 15, yada, yada, yada). I'm hoping to get my life together so my kids can be proud of me.

    Good luck getting pregnant. Remember, practice makes perfect!!

    I'm sure you will be a GREAT mom!

    Jane

  5. #5
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    safe harbor in sight

    positivity

    thank you jane for reading my story! thanks for your refreshing encouragement to go ahead and get preg-o! i shall, i trust. i may be, i hope. fingers crossed. yours too, please. i'll know in a week or so.

    if you care to share, did you have worrisome feelings about an inability to get pregnant because of drinking? did you worry about the babies' health? i worry sometimes, but i think it's guilt and shame, not reality talking. i worry that my eggs are damaged from all that bingeing. but i think my stress and shame are worse, probably more damaging.

    i hope your shrink is a good'un! they can make a world of difference. sorry about your father, but it sounds like you dont' take yourself overly seriously which is so wise and healthy. in fact, i just heard tom robbins say that in an interview (the funny book writer). he said: it is a grave, grave, terrible mistake to take yourself too seriously. or something like that. i found it so uplifting somehow.

    alright, guess i'll go get stuff done. funny, this reading and writing takes so much time but it is so worth it! hell, at least i'm not drinking!

    xoxo all the best,
    onoclea

  6. #6
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    safe harbor in sight

    Re: positivity

    Onoclea - I did worry a bit about the affects that drinking would have on the baby. I was younger then (26 - yikes!) so I had really only been drinking for about 8 years, but still, when you are thinking about getting pregnant and then ARE pregnant, you worry about EVERYTHING. At least I did. I held my breath until that first sonogram (I didn't have an amnio) to see that everything was progressing normally. I comforted myself with the fact that there are thousands and thousands of babies born each day. Chances are, yours will be healthy and normal. Make sure you take your pre-natal vitamins, eat right, exercise, etc. All the things MYO says to do. Personally, I think this is a great time for you to embark on motherhood. What a great distraction and reason to be healthy. I did a lot of drinking and drugging growing up (we lived just outside NYC and things were FAST) and I have three beautiful, healthy kids. Oh yeah - and I also only have one ovary. Hah.

    When you treat your body right, it treats you right. And if (when) you're pregnant, there's all the more reason to do so, right?

    Keep us all posted. I have my fingers AND toes crossed for you. What an exciting time. And if not this month, then maybe next month, huh? Like I said, it's fun to practice!!

    Jane.

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