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  • Results 1 to 8 of 8

    Thread: Letting Go

    1. #1
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      Letting Go

      Becoming an Alcoholic,

      For me was not a sudden conscious decision,
      But a number of subtle choices, experiences, stumbles and falls.

      As a teenager of 13, I was lost.
      I didn't kbow where to go, what to do, why I was here, I had no purpose, no meaning, just an emotional pain, an empty void in me that when I had a drink, made the pain go away.
      I didn't start to drink heavily, yet,
      but I got a taste of that feeling,
      of freedom,
      of letting go of all the pain.

      A suicide attempt, or two later, I was digging a hole, the start of my tangled mess of my history, not knowing how to fix me, or even what was wrong.
      I just wanted it all to be over.
      I built up walls.
      Terrified
      of someone seeing inside me. Seeing the real me, full of so much pain, finding out who I really was - this fear of who I was, was worthless and nothing. I was broken.

      At 15,
      when in town with friends drinking, I got separated and had to get a taxi on my own to the friends house that I was staying with.
      I was raped in the taxi by the driver.
      During it, I had no control over what was happening.
      I remember I focused on one thought 'I am going to die'
      in the context of 'I'm going to be chopped up and dumped in a ditch'.
      I was there, but have no memory of him inside me, I blocked it out.
      But a few things stayed, vividly. The feeling of his weight on top of me. His smell. What he was saying to me. If I close my eyes, I can be there again.
      After, I remember I did'nt know where we were going. As I was going to a friends, I didn't know the way. I remember fear and panic. The thought 'where are we going', 'what's going to happen next.'
      The taxi driver drove me back to my friends, and as I was still really drunk, even helped me to the door. I was so confused and shocked.
      The next day, I woke up clean - muzzy headed but clean. Then I remembered, and reality hit me and I felt it in my stomach, what had happened.
      I remember being angry. I was so cross the taxi driver hadn't charged me, how dare he?!
      I was obviously angry that he had raped me but couldn't confront that reality, too loudly, out in the open in my mind because that would make it real.
      I went home. I sat in a ball in the shower and cried. I remember the blood.
      I remember sitting in class the next week, in English, randomly, back to 'my life'.
      That night was 'in a box' away from my life. But it wasn't, it was part of my reality now.
      It hurt so much I couldn't sit properly, I remember sitting with my leg bent at my knee with my foot tucked up beneath me so I was more comfortable.
      I felt sick in my stomach with shame and looked at no-one.
      I told the friends I was with but that was all.

      In the six months that followed,
      I drank.
      I put myself in horrible places with people I didn't want.
      But it was ok, because I said yes. I was in control. I was taking it back.
      If the situation was going somewhere I didn't want, out of my control, I didn't say no.
      I was afraid if I did, it would happen again.
      I was, without realising, adding layers of damage and pain.
      Because I was making choices to try to fix a very bad experience the wrong way.
      Because I didn't know the right way.
      The experience I had, left a mark on me, of fear and vulnerability.
      I didn't know how to make it feel better or how to take that away.
      Except when I was in that place again, but in control of a choice the taxi driver never gave me.
      And when I wasn't in that place, I was scared and vulnerable that it would happen again.

      The rape eventually came out, the school, parents knew, the police had to take a statement because of my age. I got tested and councelling.

      When I spoke to the police, the woman, Karen, who took the statement, made a reference to me being in the wrong for drinking.
      The damage that left, stayed with me.
      I will never forget what she said.
      To me,
      she said if I hadn't been drinking, it wouldn't have happened.
      She told me, all my fear, my vulnerability, my shame, my damage was my fault.

      But I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to keep it in a box. I wanted to keep the feelings away.
      I NEVER talked properly about how it made me feel because it didnt. I always maintained "it happened, I can't change it, no point in dwelling on it."
      I kept all the shame and damage inside me. Scared to let it out. I tried so hard to bury it and not confront it. But it was always there.

      So I had a drink. I felt relaxed and happy. I wanted more. and more and more. I wanted to make it go away. I didn't want the fear. I wanted to let it go.

    2. #2
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      Letting Go

      LS, I am so sorry for your pain and hopelessness that you felt. I had something similar happen to me at age 15, but by date rape. It's amazing how the victim gets blamed in these situations. We were children. ((((hugs)))

      I hope you have had a chance to work through this, and that you are on your way to a happier life. The people here are so kind and giving. Thank god we are here and trying to get better.

      LG

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      Letting Go

      Lost Soul, I am glad you are here it's a great supportive community. I hope the taxi driver got the penalty he deserves, he was definitely a predator.

      You can look to a very promising future.

    4. #4
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      Letting Go

      LG, Yes, It was an awful experience we both went through.
      It is sad how the victim gets blamed, but it's nots always on purpose. It's just a way for people to stay safe from these terrible experiences.
      If she was somehow responsible in some way, it could never has happen to the rest of us. An illusion of safety. I hope you also have found peace xx

      SK, thankyou - its good to be here, its a safe place for me x
      Sadly he did not as I didnt report until 6months later, I would not have een able to idenify him, but I could do no more, I coped the only way I knew how at the time xx

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      Letting Go

      Lost Soul, I am so very sad about what happened to you. There is never ever ever ever any justification for rape. I can't even imagine what it would take to be able to work through it all and feel whole again. But I hope you are finding a way (and help) to do just that.

      Something bad happened to me at the hands of a man almost 20 years ago. (it was financial rather than physical) I was so devastated, but it wasn't really possible for him to be prosecuted. One of the only things that kept me going was a belief that some how, some way, some day the Universe makes everything right. A few years ago I had an instinct to google him. I found out he was in prison, and destined for deportation once his sentence was up. I believe with every fiber of my being that the Universe will take care of whatever punishment your perpetrator deserves. I hope you can continue focus on healing.

      DG

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      Letting Go

      Thankyou DG,

      Your words gave me some comfort xx

      I feel someone who 'wrongs' someone else in this way, may not always get their 'punishment' in the way that normal society think they should,

      For someone to be led to this behaviour, I feel it is deep rooted in shame of self for the perpetrator. To go to those lengths to have some little regard for another person.

      I think the punishment is just that, whatever is faulty in that perpetrator means they themselves not going to live a happy, fulfilled life.

      However, that doesn't take away from the damage they can leave,
      But all scars heal xx

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      Letting Go

      You are probably right that these perpetrators ARE punished by being trapped in an unfullfilling and miserable life. Still seems like more justice is warranted though, doesn't it. I am sending every healing vibe I can muster your way today! I truly hope you can find peace somehow. You deserve it.

      DG

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      Re: Letting Go

      <hugs>xo
      “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Zen proverb

      "See it as it is, not worse than it is just so you have a reason not to try." - Tony Robbins.

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