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Thread: Holding On

  1. #1
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

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    4th May, 2009.
    Northern Ireland.
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    Holding On

    At 18,
    I met Alan. He was 26. I was attracted to his passion. He had such fire. He was a fighter. When he talked about cars, I was like 'do me'.
    But he had a past.
    He had become a stoner, and had gotten lost.
    He suffered childhood sexual abuse and it left it's mark.
    He was deeply paranoid and had major trust issues. He was angry and insecure.
    We had a very messy too years.
    My alcoholism progressed.

    At 20
    I fell pregnant. And sobered up (For obvious reasons).
    My world became less painful and I had hope.
    Alan couldn't come with me. He hit me when I was pregnant.
    I had our baby and I lef him behind. I wanted so much for him to come too, but I had to think of my son now. I had to give him a good start and a good life.

    I was a proud mummy, was grateful for where I was, was happy being sober and having my little one, and making a happy life for the two of us,
    albeit hard on my own as a single parent.

    But I was lonely. I hadn't found sobriety through myself, off my own back as it were.
    I still had many demons to confront and damage to fix.
    I was grieving the love I had for my first love. But didn't realise.
    I had moved on but had been hurt. Again I did not confront the hurt but it was there.
    How could someone I loved, who I thought loved me do what he did?
    What was wrong with me?
    I knew he had acted and behaved badly,
    but did not realise his choices and actions were because of his own experiences.
    I felt the hurt as a reflection on me.

    At 22
    I met someone, who I began an affair with. It was safe for me.
    I did not think of the woman he was cheating on.
    I only thought of me. How I felt.
    All the attention, and gratification without any of the risk of the pain and hurt.
    Or so I thought, for a while.
    Reality hit me again, I was doing something, very wrong.
    My girlfriend, that had gone overseas to uni, I was hurting.
    I was causing the pain.
    And the shame I felt for my actions overwhelmed me like no other emotional pain I had ever felt before.
    I again felt so wrong. My choices could not be undone. I had no eraser.
    I ended the affair, I told my friend the truth, I hurt her so badly.
    I felt destroyed.

    And I started to drink again.
    I held on, and did not fall, quite so rapidly or hopelessly.
    I had my son to think of.
    I had to give him a sober mummy,
    so he would not learn this destructive behaviour.

    But I was struggling and floundering,
    I felt so much guilt for my actions
    so much guilt that I was letting my son down by drinking again
    and guilt that I'd found myself back here again.
    After being free for 2 and a half years,
    Although with a level of control and determination,
    That I didn't want to stay here,
    That I could be free again.

    So I'm holding on, trying not to slip deeper into my addiction,
    as I've so much to gain and so much to lose.
    And scared that I wont make it.

  2. #2
    Registered User. RingingCedars's Avatar

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    14th June, 2011.
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    Holding On

    Hi LS:h I'm so very sorry for your pain. Not to sound trite or discount you but you must not let your pain or your past define and determine your future. I have been there, done that so many times. It simply amounts to wasted time in the grander scheme. You are a lovely soul and I know that in the core of my being. Find that little innocent girl and love and reassure her that she is good and worthy of great things. She is and she will emerge as the free willed, free spirited self determining woman she is destined to be. :l

  3. #3
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

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    4th May, 2009.
    Northern Ireland.
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    Holding On

    Thankyou RC
    I remember our chats on the blokes board back in Oct 11, you were a great support
    I hope things in May went ok?

    I'm posting my story in installments, as much as alcoholism is progressive, so are poeple and their lives, their comitments, their responsibilities...bla,bla,bla...

    I hope if anyone reads it, the can maybe relate to the ups and downs alcohol can play in our lives.
    I'm 27 now and on my 21st month into sobriety and feeling strong and happy in terms of my sobriety and attitudes towards drinking (and baby girl will be one on sunday!)

    This installment of my story took me up to about 5 years ago, before I had even had my second little one! xx

  4. #4
    Registered User. Orimus's Avatar

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    28th April, 2014.
    NJ, USA.
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    Re: Holding On

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Zen proverb

    "See it as it is, not worse than it is just so you have a reason not to try." - Tony Robbins.

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