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Thread: Slipped Under

  1. #1
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

    Join Date;
    4th May, 2009.
    Northern Ireland.

    Slipped Under

    At 24
    I found MWO.
    The past two yearsI had two 3month relapses and a longer deeper 6month relapse
    and I was determined not to let AL keep a hold.
    I got some AL free time under my belt again and started again.
    I finished an IT course with flying colours and started a new job.

    And then I met him.
    He was gentle and caring,
    I loved how he made me feel safe and secure.
    We started a relationship and then an intimate relationship.
    He was patient and good with my little boy.

    Then something happened, that I had been trying to keep in a box.
    To stay safe from.

    About 2 weeks into our relationship, I was at a party at his house.
    I had far too much to drink.
    I walked to the shop with a mutual male friend to get cigarettes.
    When we returned, my ex threw his friend out.
    I didn't think too much of this as I had too much too drink.
    We went upstairs and I took my top and skirt off to get into bed.
    He started shouting at me. 'What are you doing?' He yelled at me.
    I flippantly told him I had a drink problem.
    He yelled 'What kind of a mother are you?' He was so angry.
    I realised I was in a bad place, but I didn't leave.
    I just lay on the bed and crying and then I passed out.

    After I woke up I was confused.
    I had no underwear on and that feeling.
    I had a thought 'what have you done?'
    I was too afraid to confront that thought so I asked him if 'we'd' had sex. He said yes. and he'd used a condom.
    After I had passed out unconscious, my ex had to remove my under wear to have sex with me. I was out cold. This was after throwing our friend out in jealousy.

    I'd let it happen again. But it couldn't be.
    Not here in my safe place, with safe people that I knew.
    I had to make it better, I had to make it safe. So I did.

    I thought 'it's his first relationship, he was drunk, he made a mistake...'
    I made the choice to minimise what he had done to a mistake.
    I placed blame on myself for being drunk to make it safe.
    So I had control, so I could prevent it happening again.

    The reality is that I never had control. when I passed out I gave away my choices and control.
    My then partner was in the position of having complete control and choice.
    He made the decision to rape me.
    But I had made it 'safe' so I stayed with him.

    I went to work the next day.
    I attached all my vulnerability and fear of what had happened there.
    I left my job within a month.

    I struggled through with AL
    I fell pregnant after 18 months, I became sober.
    We moved in together a few months later.
    And then he became abusive, but it couldn't be,
    He was safe, so I pushed it away.
    He's made a mistake...
    when he went off sex when i was pg and used live webcam sites did I feel it. When I told him it bothered me and he continued, it hurt. I told it it made me feel like just a womb and mammary glands and before that that he viewed me as somewhere warm and wet.

    As rediculous and over dramatic as it sounds it felt like being used for the previous two years and being raped.

    And it all came back, that night.
    I couldn't push it away any longer.
    But I couldn't let it out all the way either.
    I was living with him with my little boy and carrying his child, his daughter.
    And the realisation was there. My daughter has a rapist as a father.

    And it also brought back the first experience I had.
    And that level of danger and fear, and brought it back,
    Here into my home, into my childrens home.

    It added context to it.
    That taxi driver wasn't just a monster.
    He was someone's partner, someone's dad.
    He probabally went home after his shift,
    and kissed his kids,
    and said the same things to his wife that night that he had said to me.

    All this was underneath. I couldn't let it out.
    Until I was safe or until I had made it safe.

  2. #2
    Registered User. Guitarista's Avatar

    Join Date;
    12th October, 2008.

    Slipped Under

    Hi Lost soul,

    I am sorry you went through this, and i hear you loud and clear. You are very brave to post a part of your story. Do you have good friends close by to support you?

    I've got to head off to work now. Other folk here are sure to respond to you soon.

    Take care of yourself, and please remember, you are not to blame here at all.

  3. #3
    Registered User. lucky 2.0's Avatar

    Join Date;
    20th July, 2006.

    Slipped Under

    Lost Soul,

    I am so sorry that happened to you. Do not let it define you. And again, I am so sorry. It should not have happened.

    I hope you find peace.


  4. #4
    Registered User. Cashregister's Avatar

    Join Date;
    4th December, 2006.

    Slipped Under

    Lost Soul are you safe now? I hope you have found a safer place, I really do.

  5. #5
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

    Join Date;
    4th May, 2009.
    Northern Ireland.

    Slipped Under

    Thankyou Guitarista, lucky and cash,

    Thanks I do have supportive friends Though all this stuff is a bit heavy, most normal people can't really relate or know what to say. And if you do find a 'safe' person to share this with - they then know all this and they remind you of it, so you (I do anyway) tend to withdraw from them.
    It's a bit like 'Here, have all this yuk stuff inside me, thankyou for letting me get it out, now go away.'

    Getting past self blame is the hardest part. When you actually acknowledge that - you have no control over these events (and the potential for them to happen in the future) and you feel very afraid and vulnerable inside.

    Lucky - I can't say I'm happy these things have happened, but they have. They are a part of me and my reality. They by default will define me. But they are not the important part of my reality. They will define me but not nessicarily in a negative way. Not if I don't let them.

    Cash, I'm safer (or as safe as one can be given there are people who will do bad things in this world.) Feeling safer is something I'm working on. Keeping my daughter safe is another story all together, I am posting my story in installments, so have much more to write - this takes me up to just over a year ago.

  6. #6
    Registered User. hart's Avatar

    Join Date;
    9th May, 2007.

    Slipped Under

    Lost Soul. Sh*t does happen. I was molested by my Uncle at 11. Why. Because adults didn't want me to be around my drunk mother. I never told anyone because he said if they found out my mother would be committed. I loved my mother very much and wanted to protect her. Finally I told her she had to stop drinking so much as I didn't want to go to my uncle's house. I didn't tell her about what happened. I felt ashamed.

    So I understand your shame. But I was not to blame. You are not to blame. You need to forgive yourself. An evil man took advantage of me, and one took advantage of you. That was beyond our control. What we do about it from now on....That is in our control. I married a bad, man the first time, Lost, one who manipulated me, one who made me miserable. I got out after 8 years. I am with a very loving, wonderful man. And guess what? He was born in Dublin, Ireland. xxxooo.

    You can change your life.

  7. #7
    Registered User. Lost Soul's Avatar

    Join Date;
    4th May, 2009.
    Northern Ireland.

    Slipped Under

    I am, Always was, Always Will Be, Even If you don't See

    I am honest with myself.
    I trust my decisions.
    I take responsibility for my choices
    And my choices alone.
    Always did, always will do,
    Even if you don?t see.

    I feel however I wish to feel.
    When I?m hurt my heart is sad.
    When I?m ignored, I feel alone.
    When I?m raped, I feel ashamed.
    When my hopes and dreams are shattered, I grieve.
    Even if you pretend you don?t see.

    I feel angry when this happens,
    Because I forget it?s not my fault.
    When I remember I can?t prevent this happening,
    I don?t feel angry when it does.
    And I don?t live in fear,
    I never did, I never will.

    When I feel unconfident, unassertive and weak,
    That is okay.
    I am human and I like it that way.
    I forgive myself
    For not always knowing the answers,
    Or not knowing the right path.
    Who does?
    I was never perfect, I do not aspire to be.

    I have strength to endure,
    When someone hurts me.
    To show them a better way,
    Even if the do not see.

    It takes courage to stand up,
    To fight for what I deserve,
    For respect and equal value.
    Even if they don?t see.

    It takes bravery to finally bow out,
    To accept my efforts were in vain.
    To walk the rest of the way alone.
    Without the hurt, Without the fight.
    Even if you do not see.

    And should you wish to challenge me,
    My strength and courage will not falter,
    I will continue to show you,
    I will still be me.

    And all the while,
    Balancing the practical, financial & domestic responsibility of two
    And still have the energy, the spirit
    To bring a smile to my child,
    To lend an ear to listen
    So they do not have to fight
    For what they deserve.
    I am worth not changing for,
    I never did, I never will.

    I am trusting, I am understanding, I am loving.
    That is who I choose to be.
    I put my heart and soul into everything.
    The more I do,
    The more rewarding my life will be.
    To sacrifice myself, the risks are great,
    No fruit will come.
    But the reward of how I get there,
    Is where I place value.
    Always did, always will.

    I am a friend, I am a sister,
    I am a Madonna, I am a lover,
    I am a daughter, I am a mother
    Even when you do not want to see.

    As a true survivor knows
    I should never have felt a victim, I never will do.
    I was never weak, I never will be.

    And if one day, If you open your eyes,
    You will be humbled by what you see.
    And I will forgive you because,
    That is who I choose to be.
    And as always
    I will be proud
    Of just being me.

    I see you.

  8. #8
    Registered User. Orimus's Avatar

    Join Date;
    28th April, 2014.
    NJ, USA.

    Re: Slipped Under

    “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.” – Zen proverb

    "See it as it is, not worse than it is just so you have a reason not to try." - Tony Robbins.

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