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Thread: my turn...

  1. #1
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    my turn...

    When I first started drinking it was just to party once or twice a month with friends. I didn't think I had a problem then but looking back I should have seen the warning signs--I never could stop before I would get sick or pass out first....I never had control. After a failed relationship (#3 actually) I moved into my own place, started new job and got caught up in continuous partying 3-4 nights a week. My kid was at the grandparents for the summer so I had no responsibilities, no one to care about least of all myself. The bingeing calmed down a little, I was embarrassed to be called the "puker" on a regular basis, but I was never without a drink. As soon as I come home it's the first thing I reach for. I don't want my child to remember me with a glass of wine in my hand or beer by my side...Now I'm up to a bottle of wine a night (sometimes the big one) or a 6-12 pack of beer. It scares me and I hate it but I can't control it...The despair that I feel is very hard to control when I drink by myself (which is almost every night) and now I'm having crying fits on top of the drinking. Thankfully I mostly can hold off the breakdown until my kid's in bed but still, I'm tired of the lack of control, I'm tired of being sad. I quit college and I've lost the desire to do much of anything if there's not alcohol involved...I want something better for myself than this, I want my life back...

  2. #2
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    my turn...

    your story/my story

    Sparklem,

    I really felt for you when I read your post. I can understand your distress at not being able to control your drinking. I have the same problem, tho' not as intense--yet. I have drank since I was 12 mostly to fit in because I'm more of a bookworm than a party girl. Never was able to drink a lot and often ended up puking as well. In fact, I can drink hardly any 'hard liquor' because I've been sick on almost all of them. I haven't been sick from alcohol for a long time (perhaps my years of wine drinking has taught me how to avoid that) but, I often get insommnia, depressed and paranoid after drinking too much. Worse, sometimes if the situation presents itself, I react very emotionally--cry or get angry while drinking with others.

    Despite the bad side effects, I really enjoy drinking and do not want to give it up. I would like to be able to enjoy the red wine I love so much in moderation, perhaps with food only. I just don't know if that's possible. I have tried it and it is usually okay til certain monthly hormonal changes take place but recently have been having a lot of cravings and more out of control (I define that being 'out of control' by amount, i.e. more than 3 drinks in one day or more than 1 an hour and also when I go over an amount I decided to drink in advance, for e.g.: I say only 1 glass with dinner and I have 3--very common occurrence!)

    Anyway, now I'm married, no children, a busy husband (who is out right now) and live in a foreign country. I have no good friends here that share my interests--the only thing me and most of the people I know have in common is drinking. Basically, I'm all alone when my husband isn't by my side unless I go out to bars with my acquaintances. I was drinking to fit in--story of my life!--but now find I get depressed being around people I can't relate to.

    After more than 30 years of drinking, I have only had a few inicidents of drinking alone to the point of intoxication, but all in the last year and that worries me. I have heard before, and read tonight on this site, that alcoholism is progressive. I think I have passed some sort of line by drinking alone to intoxication and your story helped me realize that.

    I just joined this site half an hour ago and have browsed through a lot of the posts. It looks good. Since I can't really discuss this with people I know, I've decided to join the group to get support for my efforts to cut back. I think just coming here has helped me--knowing there are people like me out there. Even tho' there are all kinds of drinkers here: people who decide to abstain and people who have been able to moderate, we all have the same basic struggle: lack of control with alcohol.

    I noticed you live in Florida and have seen other posts from there too and perhaps they got the vit/meds/CDs/etc. easily. Are you thinking of getting some of those? People have mentioned that they are good for controlling the cravings. Don't think I'll be able to get the vitamins/meds because I live abroad so am hoping just the feeling of community will help.

    I hope that you find the better life that you are looking for. Even tho' you are suffering despair now and it feels pretty horrible, I think it is allowing you to see that you want to change. I think this site is helpful, if my experience tonight (I've gone thru about 10 cravings for wine tonight and so far so good: no wine yet) is any indication, visiting here can see you thru the night. I'm not sure if I'll last the whole night without a drink but I will take it five minutes at a time.

    Writing this to you has helped. Thanks for reading.
    Egghead:new:

  3. #3
    Registered User. Beaches's Avatar

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    my turn...

    Welcome Sparkle and Egg,
    Glad you both are here
    Sparkle, you will find so many parents there that too have the desire to stop drinking because of the impact it has on their children. One of the main reasons I ended up here.
    Hope you both stick around. It's a great place, Keep reading and keep posting.

  4. #4
    Registered User. betty boop's Avatar

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    my turn...

    Hi Sparkle & Egg

    When I found this place I was drinking 3 bottles of wine most days, sometimes starting as soon as I got up in the morning!!!!

    I have a loving family including a 10 year old daughter who are very supportive but my husband was very disappointed to come to after work to find me bordering on drunk at 5.30pm. Im not proud of that but it was the wake up call that I needed.

    I found this site in November and immediately dropped to one bottle a day and would never drink alone, and not till 7pm.

    After christmas I went 17 days af in a row, since then I do some af but still drink most nights. I know that it isn't perfect but i haven't actually been 'drunk' for 4 months and that used to happen most days .....

    Anyway guys whatever your goals, be it abs or mods, with the help of this site, you CAN do it.

    Lots of love & hugs xx

  5. #5
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    my turn...

    Hello and welcome, don't post much but this place chages lifes. Keep looking and keep posting,,

  6. #6
    Registered User. sri's Avatar

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    my turn...

    Welcome to both of you!!! I encourage you to read the stories, use the tools -- there is much support and hope here. I too drank quite a bit -- two bottles of wine just about every day. I have been AF for nearly 30 days! Never thought I could go a DAY without a drink a month ago. The supps, the book, the CDs, topamax -this website of support have all made a difference for me - so far. We're glad you are here. There is hope.

  7. #7
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    my turn...

    THank you all, it does mean so much to realize that I'm not alone, that I'm human and that I can change. I was raised never to ask or look for help, it was a sign of weakness---I believe it takes more courage to acknowledge that there is a problem and that there needs to be a change than to sit back and hide behind a mask. I haven't ordered anything yet but am planning on checking into the Kudzu and books...in answer to your question Egg, it should be easy to order ( I hope )...I also used to drink because I was nervous, I was awkward and wanted to fit in, be funny---now I just do it because....I want to learn how to in moderation if possible however it will take a lot for me, best wishes to you :-)

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