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    1. #1
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      Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hi I've just joined this site as my issues with alcohol are pretty bad and I can't really talk to anyone honestly about the situation so I thought a forum like this might enable me to write it down without lying to myself or anyone else. If people on here are in the same boat then I guess we don't judge each other but offer support?

      I'm a 50 year-old woman and discovered alcohol about age 16. I suppose I'm one of those people who has an addictive personality - or is that just making excuses? I used to smoke too but managed to quit at 30. My father smoked and died at 46. The drinking...well I just don't have an off-switch. During my marriage (16 unhappy years with a bullying control freak) I drank every day. Then I lived alone and drank every day - a whole bottle of wine most nights. I now live with a wonderful partner of 4 years who enjoys a glass of wine but has restraint. Instead of his being a good influence I've just started drinking in secret now - yes the cliché of bottles in the wardrobe. I manage about 2 dry nights a week and have really tried to cut out the secret drinking, but sometimes when I start I just can't stop - especially at parties etc. They usually end up with me asleep / blacked out and it's rare that I remember the end of the evening.

      I know in my heart that I should become teetotal but I just can't face it. I just want to be normal - so particularly interested in those members who are trying to practice moderation. I fear I'm just not wired like normal drinkers but I don't have any other treats. I am fit, never ill, a normal weight and live I guess as a 'high functioning alcoholic'. But I know my liver will pack up sooner or later at this rate (I'm guessing I put away 50 units a week). I owe it to my 2 teenage sons to sort myself out - they know I drink too much of course. Everyone does but no-one knows the full extent of it. I feel very depressed and self-loathing at the moment. Some support from people who understand would really help I think.

      Sally

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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hi, Sally--

      I REALLY, REALLY wanted to be "normal" and to figure out how to moderate. My saying used to be "I have to cut back so I don't have to quit all together." I would quit for a month at a time to prove to myself that I wasn't an addict, and then get right back to drinking - A LOT.

      I finally, finally admitted to myself that I needed to quit. I, too, was very good at lying to myself, so I joined here. But I also talked to my husband, and I saw an individual therapist for a while - I couldn't lie to either of them. I know you won't believe me now (because I didn't back then), but I feel nothing but gratitude about being alcohol free. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have a much better relationship with my husband, I communicate better with my teen-aged sons, I'm better at my job, healthier - the list goes on and on. I am now 3+ years in and wouldn't go back to drinking even if I "could."

      One thing people here do is at least commit to 30 days sober. Come check in here every day, read the toolbox, try to figure it out. The only way I could succeed is ultimately to understand that the choice of alcohol was, for me, forever off the table. However, that can seem daunting, so it is also true that I took it one day (one hour, 5 minutes) at a time.

      Also, I recommend listening to the Bubble Hour podcast. They are sober women around our age, and they deal with a lot of the questions and situations that you're probably worried about.

      You took a great step coming here. If you want, join a thread above (the Newbies Nest is a good place to start) for more regular support.

      You got this!
      Pav

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    5. #3
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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Greetings from the rainy south east @Sally50

      When I started my attempt at cutting down on my drinking, some 30 years ago, I must confess I had similar objectives as you do currently. I wanted to cut it out during the week and enjoy a glass or two on Friday and Saturday night. The problem I had was like most alcoholics, the best way to cure a hangover was with another drink. After 25 odd years of attempting this, it dawned on me that in fact moderation does not work - At least not initially

      We all drink for a reason, be it anxiety, boredom or habit, to name a few of the popular reasoning's - Of course there are other reasons, such as PTSD and the like but generally the aforementioned are the most quoted options I have read

      I am of the opinion that while someone is drinking against their will, they will struggle to make the correct choice - Whatever the correct decision may be, I feel is not a decision that can be made under the "influence" of AL

      To be a nuisance drinker and to cut back to a manageable level, whilst drinking is a very difficult task, especially without the help of medications to curb the desire and maybe assist with any underlying comorbidities that may be playing a part (anxiety/depression etc)

      It is for this reason after all those years of trying (moderation) I decided that, in view of the situation I was in (piss head) that abstinence was my way forward. Once abstinence was attained, I could make a rational decision as to whether or not, in the cold light of soberdom, I did in fact want to try and moderate my drinking - Of course when I started this I was thinking (alot) things like

      If I don't drink again, I will never go out
      If I don't drink again, I will lose all my friends
      If I don't drink again, I will never have fun again

      Bollox - The lot of it! - You open up other avenues and opportunities

      I have not drunk since 2nd January 2016, not a long time compared with the likes of some of the old timers on the General Board - BUT what I can do is make the decision of whether or not I want to drink again ever

      Your post clearly highlights the important things in your life;

      Quote Originally Posted by Sally50
      I now live with a wonderful partner of 4 years
      Quote Originally Posted by Sally50
      I owe it to my 2 teenage sons to sort myself out
      So yes, you have identified why you need to stop or reduce your drinking - How you do it is up to you

      Incidentally, the majority of moderators *I* know who do so successfully do so with medications - This is not to say it is not possible, not at all, but it is my belief someones best bet is with a clean slate upon which to make an informed decision

      Quote Originally Posted by Pavati View Post

      You took a great step coming here. If you want, join a thread above (the Newbies Nest is a good place to start) for more regular support.
      Wise words Newbies Nest

      Good luck and regards


      Bacman
      Last edited by Baclofenman; September 18th, 2017 at 03:04 PM.
      I am not a Doctor - I am an alcoholic.
      Thoughts expressed here are my own, often poorly put together and littered with atrocious grammar and spelling.
      AF since 2nd January 2016.

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    7. #4
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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hiya Sally. Welcome!

      Here's a link to our toolbox which i know you'll find to be useful reading. Stick with it and reclaim your precious life.

      https://www.mywayout.org/community/m...-tool-box.html

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      @Sally50.................. to you from the North East of England.

      Not a lot to add just wanted to welcome you. Read around and post often so we get to know you............and most importantly if you're not sure ask questions.

      @ Baclofenman...........had to quote this........it's just so true.

      If I don't drink again, I will never go out
      If I don't drink again, I will lose all my friends
      If I don't drink again, I will never have fun again

      Bollox - The lot of it! - You open up other avenues and opportunities
      It could be worse, I could be filing.
      AF since 7/7/2009

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    11. #6
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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Thank you for all the replies and encouragement. I will definitely look at the threads and resources that have been suggested.

      The comment about drinking out of boredom rang very true - an evening without wine just seems so dull - and a social event without alcohol makes ME feel boring, like I have no personality when sober. In reality I'm probably far more boring when I'm drunk...

      I have tried therapy in the past - about 6 years ago I was seeing a psychotherapist who helped me understand WHY I drink more but didn't actually stop me doing it. More recently I tried hypnotherapy and, well I don't know if the guy was a charlatan or whether I'm just immune to this kind of thing, but it did nothing for me except lighten my wallet...what I haven't tried yet is medication which has been suggested here. The only thing I've tried is Kudzu which is supposed to reduce cravings but it's only herbal....

      Anyway just talking about it is making me more 'mindful' of my bad habits...

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    13. #7
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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hi Sally,

      I completely understand and feel the same way about my drinking problem! I blackout all the time and have been drinking heavily for 20 years... I am so sick of it but have never tried very hard to stop. I would like to get to just drinking a few days a week, feels so impossible though! Just know that you are not alone, I get it!!! Thank you for sharing , it really helps!

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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hi Battles, so maybe we are both in denial about the possibility of moderating rather than quitting but I'm so going to give it a try! In the past few weeks I've managed to not drink on a Monday or Tuesday. Monday isn't too bad...by Tuesday I'm beginning to climb the walls a bit but I've done it. With me the primary problem isn't not having a drink, but when I start I can't stop, particularly if it's a social situation where there's basically no limit. Most people can limit themselves but with me it just becomes an all-consuming 'where's the next drink coming from?' thing.

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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Hi and welcome @Sally50. There are many paths to sobriety. You'll find lots of varied levels of where we are at or came from in terms of extremes. What works for some does not work for others. The hiding of it will haunt you. Now I'd recommend not outting yourself if you don't have a secure safe and reliable unjudgemental environment. Talk to a doctor and be straight forward. Suggest using the toolbox as recommended before. Dr's tend to lean towards AA right off the bat or antidepressants. Keep your mind open when you read the contents of this site and theendofmyaddiction. There are medications that that some people have learned moderation using, but its hit and miss. Naltrexone has worked for some people I talk to as a moderation medication (if it fits your neuro chemistry). I am not a doctor, so I recommend reading everything before you just jump head first and end up falling on your face because it hurts and it only gets worse. Best advice I have is to stop the shame before it becomes a hole you can't dig yourself out of. I'm sure you've had that as you described black outs. I don't compare people in general but as a heavy vodka drinker morning noon, passout, night... pass out ... on and on, every day my opinions may not represent anything of any value to your situation. But I know a lot of people like you . So I appreciate that you have decided to join us before it gets worse!
      "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein

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      Re: Trying to admit the extent of my problems

      Helpful comments - thank you. I'm not a daytime drinker but I binge drink in the evenings given half the chance. Typical this week - abstained Monday and Tuesday, decided to 'reward' myself Weds and ended up over-doing it. Probably 6-8 units which is probably peanuts to some on here but still not normal or healthy. I guess there is a danger of reading others' stories and thinking 'oh well I'm not the worst, I'm not so bad...' because there's always going to be someone out there who's 'worse' than me - but most people don't have a problem at all and I need to improve. Oh yes there's shame...plenty of it, pretty much every week of my life for 35 years excluding pregnancy. You'd think I'd get bored of this...

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