I want to stop

[shock_7689]

Hi. I just thought I would share my story. I am in my early 40s, have been drinking since I was about 17. I am married with no kids, got laid off from my job awhile back. The last couple of years have been pretty rough for me I suppose. My father had a stroke and will never be the same again. My mother had a heart attack, but she is still with us. My wife, god bless her, has stuck with me though thick and thin, she has developed many health problems. Nearly died on me a few years ago. She does not drink, but used to have a serious drinking problem in her 20s. Over the past few months, I have gradually slipped back into my old ways of drinking, waking up drinking some days. I seemed to have developed some kind of depression that I believe has lead me to drink more and more. I simply have lost interest in everything in life and everything I used to enjoy, I don't know how or why it happened, but it happened gradually over the past couple of years. I was completely sober for 3 years (early 2015-early 2018), and swore I would never return back to my old ways of drinking all of my worries and problems away. But, in reality I was just a dry drunk I suppose. I know the solution is very simple, simply don't drink. Don't even think about it, but apparently I am not as strong as I used to be being able to resist the temptation. I am sitting here with a cup of coffee and my hands are shaking a little bit and sweating, dry heaving and throwing up here and there, having very minor visual hallucinations, and my whole body is tingling. My body and mind are screaming for a drink, but I don't want to give in. I'm not a liquor drinker (too many awful experiences), only beer, usually between 12 and 16 or more a day of the 5-6% stuff and I drink on an empty stomach everytime. I have been taking kratom for the past year also. It did help me curb my drinking temptation for awhile, but once it lost its punch and started to wreck havoc on my stomach I decided to stop taking it. It is a nasty habit. Then I started drinking more and more. I'm one of those ppl who will just swap one addiction out for another, but alcohol has always been my main poison. I thought about going back to AA, but I am just not good at speaking in large groups (anxiety). I do take klonopin for anxiety maybe once every 3 nights or so, but they don't seem to work anymore really and they are a nightmare to stop taking, but I try to tread lightly with those so I wont get seriously addicted to them. I mainly use them as a sleep aid more than anything. I believe the cause for my drinking is the depression I have developed, but I don't want to go on anti depressant meds really but I fear I might need to. I don't want to be a drunk. I am tired of waking up feeling terrible and saying to myself oh god, what stupid crap did I do this time like drunk texting people and acting like an immature prick if ive had a few too many, which is all most everytime now. Guilt, shame, remorse. I know it well. I fear if I continue to drink in this manner I will end up with some really bad health problems, I can feel it. I chain smoke when I drink, some days I will go through 3 packs in a day and those things are getting awfully expensive now. I really need to get back into the swing of things again. Right now my body is screaming for that drink. The cravings are back with a vengeance, and I have not had them for years until recently. My wife told me the other day that I needed to goto rehab, but I have no medical insurance and those places are expensive and don't always work. I have been through this before and know that there is no magic solution, I have to have the power within me to stop or it wont happen. I am angry with myself for slipping back into this cycle where my body is craving it, sometimes upon waking up which is not good. Ive gotten to the point where I can barely eat anything anymore without throwing up. At this point, I am not really sure if I need to ween down over a couple of days or simply stop. I have not had these kind of physical cravings in years. Please forgive my rambling, im having a hard time thinking straight. All I can think about is getting the next drink, and it is starting to really worry me. I actually thought I had this problem beat during the 3 years I was sober, but I guess once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me vent.

[NoSugar]

Welcome, Shock !

It sounds like you might be to the point of wanting to stop more than you want to drink, which is a great start.

You are right that what you need to (not) do is simple: don't drink. But, that's not to say that it is easy for someone who is addicted. It takes commitment, support, and a plan.

You've come to a great place to get some help and support - you just need to be committed. The toolbox is full of good ideas and there are people at all stages of quitting posting in the Newbies Nest. Not everyone sees these independent threads so you might want to copy your story here: Newbies Nest

You've done it before and you can do it again ! All the best, NS

[paulywogg]

Welcome to MWO Shock

[moon]

Shock
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
4 days ago I chose to drink after over 30 days of not ingesting any alcohol.
The cravings and depression came back in full. I hope you can find your way back and make it work for you.

When it comes to depression, I find it a which came first, the chicken or the egg. Drinking a depressant to relieve the sadness of drinking...ugh.

I think you are taking the power away from this nasty substance by bringing it to light.

Let's do this!

[Slo]

Dear Shock & moon, welcome to you both!

Thank you for sharing your story, @shock_7689. It’s a familiar one; you’re not alone! I’m excited for you that you can quit this in your early 40s before any more damage is done. I hope that your previous experience with three years AF will be helpful practice for you in being able to do it again. It’s hard, as you know, but it gets much easier as time goes by.

@moon, that is so profoundly true about the chicken & egg interrelationship between depression & alcohol! That’s how it is for me too.
Also you didn’t totally lose your 30 days, and you experientially learned about how alcohol wasn’t the solution for your depression. Just pick up where you left off and keep going!

[NoSugar]

How are you doing today, Shock? And welcome to you, @moon! I hope you both stick around and get this done! You'll NEVER be sorry you didn't drink.

[NoSugar]

I've got a question for you @moon and @shock_7689. How did you find MWO?? We used to have new people join us regularly but now the site rarely seems to pop up in internet searches, which is so unfortunate because lives can really be changed for the better here. Anyway, I'm glad you came across the site!

[shock_7689]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all of your replies. I did end up going and getting just a 6 pack and nursed it for around 8 or 9 hours yesterday, after waiting several hours after waking up first, because I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked my wife not to get me anymore, even giving her my wallet just incase. It did manage to fend off much of the physical issues I was having (shaky hands, etc). I still feel pretty bad this morning, but not even half as bad as yesterday. No shaky hands, etc. I think I can stay sober today. I don't really advise anyone do this if you're really bad off, but I remember sometimes from the old days of drinking that I could ween down over a night or 2 and I would technically feel ok again after 3 days or so, from drinking related issues anyway. The problem is staying stopped. I would get to feeling better again, and then give in again and go through the same cycle all over again when something bugs me or boredom sets in. I don't want to go back to that living hell again. I have been terribly sick over the last couple weeks also, some kind of nasty virus I caught from my wife. Everyone in the house has it now. Its like the virus from helll, it just will not go away. Ive had it for nearly 2 weeks now. It's part of the reason why I woke up drinking for a few days because it was just so awful. Since about id say October, I was able to control my drinking. Completely able to stop at just 2 or 3 without much effort and I was able to do that for about 9 months or so. I received some pretty negative life changing news in mid October and I just full out went off the rails drinking again. I don't think I am that far gone (again) just yet, but I think ive reached a crossroads where I need get this under control now before I end up just like how I was before or worse.

Moon, I am sorry to hear that you slipped after a month. Just be thankful for every other sober day you had.

Slo, I believe you are absolutely correct that moon didn't totally lose the 30 days. Just one slip up, it happens. You just gotta move on.

[moon]

I've got a question for you @moon and @shock_7689. How did you find MWO?? We used to have new people join us regularly but now the site rarely seems to pop up in internet searches, which is so unfortunate because lives can really be changed for the better here. Anyway, I'm glad you came across the site!

I used a search engine for "quit drinking forums" and landed at a site called quitalcohol.com. They had a link to this site.
I may have also included WQD in the search, as it also was listed. Unfortunately, WQD was closed some time ago, but through the magic of the interweb, I found my way here and I am so excited to be here.

The forum model seems to have lost favor for some. I find it to be a wonderful way to engage other people with similar goals and encourage others just starting out. Yes, I've been there and done that enough to know there is no magic formula to the perfect buzz. My days as an wayward alchemist taught me much. Any old "Q" members could verify my struggles.

But, today I am only looking forward. My path is clear, my lessons learned.

[moon]

Hey Shock
Glad you checked in.
I was extremely worried on January 21. The amounts I was ingesting in the weeks leading up to that day were off the charts crazy. I feared the withdrawal would be a horrendous ordeal.

What I focused on was getting a little better each day and to my surprise my withdrawal was uncomfortable but bearable.

Don't be sorry about my poor decision to experiment. It gave me a crystal clear message about what I was throwing away and how much I want the freedom back. Yes, I went from so happy about myself to utter disappointment but lessons are like that sometimes.

onward!