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**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 01:36 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Oh my goodness, if I were in your shoes, I'd rethink the marriage thing, especially since you have four children. Why must you get married again? Sounds like you may be taking on a fifth mouth to feed. I am sure you will get some good advise on this thread. My two cents, are to focus on yourself, and your kids, not man at this time. You need sometime to heal after your divorce.

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 01:57 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hope,
From this perspective, it does sound awfully pushy. Why give up your home that your children are used to and plummet into debt for a man you have only known for a few months? You may truly love him. Great! Can't he WAIT then??? If he truly loves you and your children as well? That would seem to be in the best interest of everyone.
Tell hime to keep his pants on.
Bec

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 02:13 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Wow Hope.... that's a lot of cud to chew! Having been through a divorce myself and spent some years as a single mother (I only had two then), I can certainly understand the financial challenges. I had no financial help from my ex, or child support.

So when I met my "now" husband, we too had to really take a look at the finances and together decide what was the wisest thing to do. My husband was making decent money then, and it actually made more sense to get married sooner than later, as I was leasing an apartment at the time and was facing having to renew my lease or give it up.

PLEASE hear me on one aspect though. It is NEVER as easy as you think when you remarry and bring another man into your children's life. My husband has been a very good father to mine, but believe me, it has been a long, hard journey. We almost came to the brink of divorce over issues surrounding the children. He also had never been married before, so he was becoming a first time parent when he married me. Getting married presents enough challenges on its own, as you are adjusting to living with someone, their quirks, etc., and I think what you will quickly find, is that there will be issues to arise about how he "deals" with your kids that are new to them and to you, and your reaction is going to be to defend your children (because they've been through enough), and your children will find they dont like somebody new taking up their Mom's time and attention, much less telling them what to do. I wish somebody had prepared us for how hard "blending a family" could be. We will be married 11 years this July, and we have finally become a family. But the statistics are that over 70% of second marriages, especially when one or more partners bring children from a previous marriage, they fail.

Good for you for cutting off the sleeping together. I am very concerned that your fiance is pushing the marriage for his own purposes. Hope if you have this many concerns BEFORE you get married, I can tell you it will only get worse, but then you are stuck. I am not trying to be prophet of doom and gloom, but your kids need to stay in THEIR house, not deal with giving up their space, moving in with someone that THEY did not choose to live with, and the adjustments they will have to make at accepting this man as the head of their house. Not to mention the financial strain. Please WAIT and listen to your heart.

Also, I want to recommend a book to you that was what saved our marriage when things got really tough. It was recommended by a counselor, and we read it together, discussed it and then our counselor helped us work through all of the issues. I wish we had discovered it and read it BEFORE we got married. It is called, "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. It really addresses the pitfalls common to blended families and how to define the new roles between you and hubby, hubby and kids, etc. It is excellent. His website is: www.successfulstepfamilies.com

Best of luck to you Hope! Please let us know how everything goes...

Allie

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 02:43 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hope I'm so glad to see you got some good sounding advise hear. I read your post right after you put it on...and just wet "WOW" I'm not touching that!"
I don't have kids, but my gut reaction to your post wasn't a good feeling...
I ditto Allie, sounds like, she has great insight, and has been there, more or less.
He does sound a bit pushy though. But it's hard to tell, from just reading a little. Good luck & do follow your heart!

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 07:27 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Dear Hope 365,
Well, my first reaction was Dear God Girl!!!!, then like Jude, well I better not touch this, then re-read Allie's post. Very wise and one of the truly amazing things about this program is the wisdom of its members & I would definitely go with hers!!!!. So if you don't like my ideas -- no problem honey -- go with Allie's!!.

I just feel I would not be able to sleep unless I responded (altho I am very very tired due to struggling with insomnia due to the topa. ) Dear Hope, I am sorry -- I simply do not trust this man. Why in the world is he "pushing" you to marry him.? I'm sorry...I think it s more than the sex. I think it could be your money (even if you do no think it is that much). He moved in on you. Your instinct is correct. Why in the world risk your security?. Why risk your children's well-being.? He may want to get married so he is there when the business deal is signed. At obvious he is only, only thinking of himself .. and not you or the children. He will take you down because that is all he knows (for now).

And I hate to be harsh but you know your next husband will not be someone you met in a bar, at least in that circumstance. You know now God does not want that for you.

Well I guess that's it. I know this is terribly bold & not objective or intellectual. (And I may get scolded for it from others.) Totally from the heart & intuition with a little psychic thrown in. I plan on not doing it again. But in this case felt it important. Sorry. God be with you.
Peace/Luv, Chrysa

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 09:13 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Chrysa, please don't be sorry...it's something I feel but just don't like to say out loud. I've always been a total people pleaser and anything to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness and better judgement. I can't do that anymore. That is what caused my drinking to spin way out of control. That's why my ex gained so much sick control over me.

I decided after I posted tihis thread that I was going to lay down the law and tell him no more pushing. I will decide when I'm ready if I'm EVER ready at all and no more spending the night even if it's just on the weekends. I'm FINALLY getting well and doing things right for once in my life. My kids deserve to have their mom. They don't have their dad in their life at all so the least I can do is be there 100%.

Anyway, he came over after work today and said someone at work was telling him a story and it reminded him of the argument we had last night and how he realized that I was right. He said he would wait as long as I needed and do what ever I wanted. He even said he would get a second job. No more asking for sex or to spend the night. (I told him that was very disrespectful because he already knows my feelings about it.) It makes me feel really bitchy to have to say no all the time.

Well...long story short...he left without pouting or clinging...seemed more patient and positive/peaceful about waiting. I don't know if he's right for me. There is a big age difference. I'm 43 he's 32. Time will tell.

Allie...Thanks so much for the advice...I'm going to check out the website and order the book. Eric also has no kids. My kids get along well with him but I'm sure there will be issues unforseen. Thanks so much! I feel so much better tonight! I know I'm making the right decision!

Hugs to all!!
Hope

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 09:25 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hope...
Applause for you!

I am now MORE concerned about this age difference. I dont even know you, but I am convinced that you are smarter and wiser because of your pain and mistakes. It is really about maturity levels than age.

Please read the book, and encourage him to do so too. Why not just ask him... "Hey.. I have a book I think we should read, and discuss before we set a date... "

If he says no, then run like heck! If he says, "yes", then read the book and go from there. Anything is possible... but I am just very concerned that it seems like you are the adult here, and responsible one financially...

Dont ever feel you have to settle for LESS than your deserve because you are divorced and have kids. There are great men out there, who are more interested in YOU and YOUR kids well being than their being fulfilled sexually and advising you on how you and your kiddie poos can do without...

My 2 cents!

All the best Hope!
Allie

**Guest** · May 31, 2006, 09:58 PM

soul searching...crazy topic

I know he'll read the book. So far he's done everything I've asked. He goes to counseling with me, (to the counselor I've been seeing for 3 years since before my divorce). I told him if he didn't, no deal. He switched churches and joined our church just so he could be with us on Sunday cause we are there so much on Sunday. He's read every book I've suggested. I asked him to quit smoking and he's trying. He just bought the hypno cd's by the same guy that does the MWO one's. I'm doingthe MWO program because Eric found it and showed it to me a few weeks ago. I was miserable and told him i wished there was something I could take to help me stop drinking. He got right on it.

He's a moderate drinker. The only deal breaker in the very beginning was that I smelled dope on him once and said I would never see him again. He said he would quit and as far as I know he did. My ex is a drug addict and I won't tolerate even a bit of it. So far I have no reason not to trust him on that point.

Sometimes I think he's like a little puppy.:eek

**Guest** · June 1, 2006, 12:02 AM

soul searching...crazy topic

I just wish you luck on this and that you make the right dcision. It sounds like you already know what that is. When there are kids involved you've got bigger things to take into account. You can't disrupt their lives, I totally agree with that. I also agree that since you have only been with him since November you'll certainly survive without him. I don't like the the smell of it but what the hell do I know?

**Guest** · June 1, 2006, 12:59 AM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hope...

I just dont like the sound of you continualllly finding a way to make him sound like superhero today!

Just a loving question,,: What do you have to lose by waiting?

Allie

**Guest** · June 1, 2006, 01:17 AM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hi,

If I wanted a little puppy - I'd buy one or go to the lost dogs' home ... I don't think it's the way to pick a good man.

I apologise if I've overstepped - but you did ask for comments.

Tawny

**Guest** · June 1, 2006, 08:46 AM

soul searching...crazy topic

You are absolutely right Tawny. Sometimes I want to tell him to get a back bone...grow up...be a man...let me breathe...quit whining...stay away for a couple of days...don't call 5 times a day...etc...but I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm working on that in counseling.

My first marriage was 15 years. Very emotionally and mentally abusive. Sometimes physical, seldom, but did happen. He was mentally ill, drug and alcohol addict.

I really love NOT having to worry about anyone else right now. But I'm so used to being worried about hurting someone's feelings. It's hard for me to say what I really want or think so I end up sacrificing in the end. That's how this whole drinking thing started 27 years ago.

I'm just now learning to say what I feel and mean what I say. It's getting easier. I know I'm doing the right thing. I still need reassurance because I'm so new at this. I am still always saying "I don't want to hurt your feelings." "Did I hurt your feelings?" But then if he acts the least little bit hurt I go completely nuts and say "Get the hell out of here, I don't freakin need this @#%$." and start a huge fight. Am I just a freak or something?

Bottom line....I'm just learning how to live as an adult woman without alcohol interfering with my emotions and feelings. I should have learned this as a twenty something year old. I love the way I feel and I want to be alone (without a man) for a while. I like it and the reassurance I get here is just what I need!

Thank you! You are all so wonderful! WOW!!! 27 years of drinking...36 months abstinence, 10 years moderate (you know, babies and toddlers) big sigh...here I am...ready to start a brand new phase of my life! I will not waste this chance!

Hugs!
Hope

**Guest** · June 1, 2006, 08:49 AM

soul searching...crazy topic

Hey, Hope,

You're doing some great work processing out your dilemma here!!!

Hugs,
Kathy

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