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Guest
October 28th, 2007, 05:33 PM
I have been on here ALL DAY long. I drink yesterday...first time I have been drunk in almost 7 months. I drink ALOT. I feel like I am losing it today. I am so incredibly sad! My Mom is dying. I am just so incredibly sad that she is dying. We have not been close and had FINALLY gotten close and now she is dying on me. I just can't believe it. I just want to keep her here longer. I feel cheated. I am mad and sad.

slightlysuze
October 28th, 2007, 05:39 PM
Luv...I just don't know what to say....it's terrible about your mom....all I can offer is lots of loving thoughts for you both :l

Suze x

wonderworld
October 28th, 2007, 05:39 PM
Hold on Luv. Deep breaths hon. I know you are just so upset. Of course you are. You're human, and you're having a really rough time. But you're gonna be okay. Just take it a minute at a time for now. You are safe and you are going to be okay......

toughintexas
October 28th, 2007, 05:44 PM
LUV...I'm trying to call your cell, answer...you know that I've been there, done it, this past week...I've had one helluva week, too....and lost my Dad when I really needed him too...Call me back, or answer your phone ok...Love you soooooo much....You have just been headed for this, you are toooo stressed out and over-wrought with too much! Talk to me, not that I'm the best person to keep you from falling off the wagon, but for support and a lil Luv back at you!

Guest
October 28th, 2007, 06:09 PM
Thank-you! I really did myself in lastnight and you know what that means today...SICK, SICK, SICK.....you can't even get away from yourself when you are like this.

Chief
October 28th, 2007, 06:28 PM
Luv, come to chat right now, can you?

Don

Going Strong
October 28th, 2007, 06:56 PM
Luv,
Can you drink lots of water today? And take the supps as well. So sorry about your mum, sending you good thoughts your way.
Sometimes life just sucks!
Take Care

paula
October 28th, 2007, 07:23 PM
Don't know what to say, I'm so sorry about your mum. Sending you love and prayers.
Take care of yourself. Love Paula.xx

Finding My Self
October 28th, 2007, 07:51 PM
Luv - Hug from me - it's so sad about your Mum....if that ever happens to me (get on with my mum before she dies)...well, I'll be beside myself, too. Hang in there...love and prayers from me too. I hope you feel better soon.

FMF xxxx

Lunapro
October 28th, 2007, 08:22 PM
I am so sorry, Luv. My prayers will be with you and with your mother.

MDBiker
October 28th, 2007, 11:59 PM
We all love you Luv. It breaks my heart you are losing your mom. I wish I could do more, but praying is all I have now. I understand why you drank, but it doesn't solve anything. You just have to deal with the problem feeling bad.

God Bless

bear

Bella
October 29th, 2007, 03:05 AM
Hi L. I really hope you are feeling better today. Life can be a complete s*** sometimes. You are coping with things incredibly well and its no wonder you fall sometimes. There is nothing worse than drinking now. You will not cope with your feelings if you drink. Try your hardest to stop now. You can do this!!!!! Drinking will make everything 100000 times worse. Please stop. Stop for your mum's sake. She needs you right now.. We love you Luvuall. You have given me such good advice in the past.....let me help you now......

Bella xxxx P.S. I expect an update on how you are getting on today. xxxx

Guest
October 29th, 2007, 03:13 AM
Awake very early this morning much more clear headed. The hang-over fog gone...thank God! Back to AF today! I will not let this stumble get me!!!!

betty boop
October 29th, 2007, 04:12 AM
Glad that you are feeling better this morning ............

I've seen you go through so much this year, you are one tough cookie even if you don't realise it .........

Finding My Self
October 29th, 2007, 05:05 AM
Luv - that's great. Good on you. "To the great much is expected"... (bit of a bugger that - wry smile). I think you're one heck of a lady.

Hug
FMF xx

memarcie
October 29th, 2007, 06:42 AM
Luv, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Remember that drinking doesn't help anything, look how much worse you felt yesterday. Jump right back on the AF path, you can do it!

tea
October 29th, 2007, 07:29 AM
Hi Luv, so glad to hear you are feeling better and the 'fog' is clearing. How many times do we have to do this to ourselves before it sinks into our heads... drinking does not make anything better..... drinking makes everything even worse.... I am so sorry about your Mum, it's so sad. Please try to give thanks of gratitude that you do have this time to spend with her, that you have become close, that you will not have the regret of not having this time with her. Take care of you and bask in the knowledge that we are all 'with' you.

Lxx

Bella
October 29th, 2007, 08:56 AM
Hi L. So glad you are feeling better today. Lots of love to you. You are strong as Betty says. Bella xx

Preciouspinot
October 29th, 2007, 09:49 AM
Luv, just saw what is going on with you and I am truly sorry. I have never lost a parent so, I cannot even being to understand the profound feelings you are experiencing right now. I'm glad it was just a one night stumble and that you are back on track and looking at things with a clear and sober mind frame. I will be praying for you and your mom.

cowgal
October 29th, 2007, 09:52 AM
LUV

I am so sad for you and your mom, I lost my dad a few years back and BOY did I drink my A** off, lost a whole month of time probably, I feel for you, but it does get better,just cherish her while you have her, I have my mom still, but she is in PA which is really far away, so I don't get to see her often at all.........:cool:

You will be in my thoughts also, with love.............:l

MA:h

magic
October 29th, 2007, 12:16 PM
OK my lovely LUV, here we go!

m. xx :l

AMELIA
October 29th, 2007, 05:15 PM
Oh my god luv,
I have tears in my eyes as I read your words. I know your mama has been ill for a long time. I am so sorry. I can tell from your post how difficult you are finding it now after being so unbelievably strong for so long. Luv, you have to be easy on yourself at the moment. None of this is your fault and you can not do anything about it either. Any guilty feelings are not making the most of your energy at the moment.
Luv. You are a great person. Your mama is sick, but lately you have been connecting better than you have than many times before. Try to maintain your ABS. I know its difficult, but it will make it easier.
xxxxx

Guest
October 29th, 2007, 05:55 PM
Amelia,
I am better today. Back on the wagon...Hugs to you too!

Accountable for Me
October 29th, 2007, 06:37 PM
Luv, I can't even imagine what it must be like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have an ailing parent to care for. Not to mention you are a single mom, and a career lady, suffered a loss last year as well. You have been through so much!!!

You have been so strong. Good you are reaching out here. There are a lot of hands to hold. Be well and continue to move forward - I know you will, but I had to say it anyway.

Prest4time
October 29th, 2007, 10:04 PM
Luv,

I just want you to know you are so close in heart and prayers. I do not post as much anymore, but I do read a bit. I can truly empathize with the pain of sudden loss of a loved one in the past, and dealing with your Mom battling the awful demon of cancer... God how I know.

PM me anytime, and know that I am here.

Allie

Guest
October 30th, 2007, 08:25 PM
Allie,
I KNOW you know...how is your Mom?????

bootcampbarbie
October 30th, 2007, 10:12 PM
wow luv being off the waves i didn't see this til now. feel badly i wasn't there for you. ahhh my luvbug. you just keep feeling girlie. i love you very very much. we shall move through this with a blanket, holding hands and lots of kleenex. and we will think of how life offers us all the connnections as it is short. we are brought in to life we hold on to each other and we say good bye. death completes that part but we get to hold on to each other along the way. no one takes away the essence. you know luv bug my mama died when i was 6 weeks old, my sis died a few years ago, my dad died 5 years ago and i have my hubby's father. so i'm holding your hand and we walk this beach together. sisters./......

KateH1
October 30th, 2007, 10:40 PM
Oh...Luv, I have been where you are. Not easy, in fact it is really tough. The good news is that you are there for her now......we never know how long we have......say what you need to say and build new memories while you can.

I will be thinking of both of you.....warm hugs.

KateH

magic
October 30th, 2007, 10:41 PM
Ah, Boots, that made me cry, it was both sad and beautiful.

We are a lucky bunch around here.

Lucky to have found each other.

m. xx

bootcampbarbie
October 31st, 2007, 12:22 AM
ah to the moon magic. i often think you know spend so much time trying to hang on to something that can't simply hang on to and grieve the inevitability of what is. i feel in my heart you know the inevitable sadness more comes from all the moments that i want to capture into a bottle of how much love pours from my heart for those i hold so close and wish to god i could hold them even closer, smell, touch, feel. wish the moments could drag on for ever, the dreams we have shared or never came true, wish i could capture those little moments in a bottle and open it up from time to time and replay them for us so we could laugh and cry about it for eternity. i suppose this short little life just offers up so many opportunities to just share out little fragile hearts. and the rage and sadness comes from the times i let that moment escape and used instead to get caught up in busyness or deadness or stupid stuff that never mattered or being pissed off about nothing or wasting it with people that never mattered anyway. so today again luv we just grab a blanket and we hold on to those that matter and we just grab on that moment take our shoes off and dig our little toes into the sand on the beach and we walk hand in hand on this path with all of our pitiful but meaningless failures and our meaningless faults and we love each other because we can. guess reflection will do that for you. makes you know that you can just see that all of it is about our connections and our ability to smile at each other, lend a hand, know that each of us matters, each of us is trying, your mama is trying, you are trying. and for whatever simple reason, god or universe or divine insanity experiment said hey let's create this forum for us to communicate so we can share this path together.
so i'm digging my toes in the sand, reaching my little hand out, knowing that i can feel yours in mine, sister (s) brother bear too lol, and we see the beauty in the first breath as well as the last breath in us all. and the precious moments in between. somewhere in all of this lies the poetry. the pain gives you the capacity to love and feel
love bootsie

Guest
November 1st, 2007, 06:37 PM
Bootsie it is so odd to me hw whem someon passes suddenyl you have thei "jumpy" feeling for months after their death. I kept expecting Billy to walk through that door. Like it hadn't really happened. Like I was living a nightmare. I can not explain to emmense sense of pain you feel when the coroner comes to your door and tells you your loved one is dead and so mangked you never get to view their body to say good-bye. I know you also lost a close loved one!!! I know you know this feeling. It is different than knowing someone will die. Although I chersih the time with my Mom, I HATE she is suffering. What you wrote to me is beautiful. Love you deeply....

bootcampbarbie
November 1st, 2007, 09:08 PM
i do know this feeling. i know it many ways. honestly i wish i couldn't have seen my sister in the morgue. too painful. and then you know picking my dad's ashes up in that giant what looked like a video box. i mean it was so surreal. i even seat belted him in and brought him home and put him on his side of the bed. i just knew if i went to sleep i'd wake up and all of it would have been a bad dream. yes i agree with you in ways too the sudden death seemed a whole different experience. my friend was quite literally decapitated in a motorcycle accident. gone poof over but watching my sister and my father suffer over time and then die. every day i would wake up and want it over and then want it to not be over. i wanted my life back too. want for me not to feel this pain too. feeling mine theirs ours. so you know i'm there with you my sister. there all the way......

how about this.....

the light assaults the darkness
it is more glaring then a meteor
the nite is the blackness that my heart fights to stop
indispensable, singular and worthy of tomorrow
sure of my life and my death
so i observe the ambitious and would like to understand them
their days seem greedy with busy and nights filled with rage and steel
they speak of humanity but are to busy consuming to see it
my humanity is in feeling we are all voices of the same poverty
time is now living me and in that depth it seems impoverished
more silent than my shadow i walk amongst the multitudes
i am everyone, no one and someone
and perhaps if i can slow time down
i walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away and never expects to arrive