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Rambling of a Diseased Mind

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    #1

    Rambling of a Diseased Mind

    I am sitting here at 6:16 a.m. in the morning, Central US time considering my next step.

    How I got here is my own doing. I know this.

    Somehow, I have let myself fall back into the abyss and I have fallen even farther down. This time, digging myself out is going to be even harder.

    I had a long chat with my husband last night and he calmly explained that I need to be here for my family. We are going through some serious problems with my family and my drinking is only going to make it all worse.

    Not only that but he is going to school, working two part time jobs trying to get his nursing degree. He has an awful lot on his plate right now and simply must rely on me to help. I do need to be there for him.

    Yes. I beat myself up about my drinking but I haven't been able to stop this time around. Each day is getting worse and worse.

    I know MWO can help. I know I need to go to AA - when I stopped going to AA and began traveling again is how this all started back up.

    No, I am NOT at square one because at least I know what I need to do and that it is doable.

    Not put a glass of alcohol to my lips. Period.
    The next few days are going to be rough.

    I need some Mags/Chief/Starlight/all my MWO friends to do some ass kicking. No coddling here, guys. I have got to do this and I have got to do it now or things will get so bad that I may not be able to recover from it.

    Every day I can go without a drink will be a wonderful day. Every day I drink will be a horrible day. I must remember that.

    btw, I love all of you and so appreciate your kind and caring comments about not beating myself up. But, every time I drink, I am emotionally whipping myself. For what, I am not sure.

    So, here is my stake in the ground. Day one and sober.

    Love,
    Cindi
    AF April 9, 2016
    Tags: None
    #2
    Rambling of a Diseased Mind

    Awww......Cindi
    I too was at the point that I knew if I kept wallowing around in that abyss I was never going to come out. You have all the necessary tools in your toolkit, put them to good use, and know we are all here to support you. Get the booze out of the house, keep thinking about that mental commitment, log on to drink tracker and go for it....ODAT...Don't know about you, but my body and mind were at the point wheret was getting tougher and tougher to muddle through the day....Not 20 anymore....
    Beating yourself up is not the answer, but a firm committment, and the willingness is. Start digging around in that toolkit, be kind to yourself, and know that each minute that passes you are moving forward.....no looking back...Love ya
    sobriety date 11-04-07

    Comment

      #3
      Rambling of a Diseased Mind

      About fucking time Cindi. We've been worried sick about you. You know what to do, so just do whatever it takes ok!

      Babe, it's time to sort out your shit - make some changes.
      It always seems impossible until it's done....

      Comment

        #4
        Rambling of a Diseased Mind

        Flip,

        Yep. Finding a counselor is step one. There is obviously more than just the drink going on here.

        Thank you, Flip, for being there yesterday. I can't even remember drinking after the first glass of wine. Two bottles later...

        Like MDBiker, I am in that place where once I take one drink, there is no stopping until it is all gone.

        Love you,
        Cindi
        AF April 9, 2016

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          #5
          Rambling of a Diseased Mind

          I was in that place too you know, and I'll never forget it. That is why I will never get sick of listening to you - drunk or not.

          That quote of the bear's was great - I wish I believed in heaven! lol
          It always seems impossible until it's done....

          Comment

            #6
            Rambling of a Diseased Mind

            Cindi:

            I was reading your post, and in general, to those who have found their way back to drinking for relief, I offer this.

            Ask yourself, what led up to latest run with the booze? No so much what you were feeling at the time you were drinking, but in the days leading up to that.

            Was it anxiety, boredom, hopelessness, depression, or something else?

            Putting a finger on this is often difficult, as it is subtle and sneaky so many times. We slowly talk ourselves into the drink behavior again, and "nipping it in the bud" is essential I found back in the early days.

            For many years, I did the physical methods to get sober, but paid little if no attention to the deeper reasons, and failed every time. It is the way to freedom I have found, to take this just as seriously as supplements, exercise, meditation. It is also the most difficult for me to handle, as I always believed if I just had the "mental toughness" I could make it. I found my "drinking self" was just as tough and determined as my "sober self".

            Just saying on your new resolve, to stack the deck in your favor with aces.

            We're always here for you.

            Neil

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              #7
              Rambling of a Diseased Mind

              What he said.... lol
              It always seems impossible until it's done....

              Comment

                #8
                Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                Cindi, I'm gonna temporarily stop being nice and start kicking but!!!

                I actually went in to chat last to try and help you ........ Now how serious is that LOL .....

                Seriously you know what you have to do ....... So get your finger out and do it ..............

                Love ya :l :l :l
                sigpicXXX

                Comment

                  #9
                  Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                  It's still the same day here guys, but I'm going to bed now (1:30AM) ready for a new day in the morning. :-)
                  It always seems impossible until it's done....

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                    Nighty Night, Flip

                    See you on the flip side of tomorrow. :H

                    Cindi
                    AF April 9, 2016

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                      Darnit Cindi

                      I am no good at tough love so I don't know if I can kick some butt! :upset:

                      If you are going to AA why don't you follow some of their principles. They do a lot of work with slogans like, "It's the first drink that gets you drunk" and don't they advise you to go to a meeting if you are feeling like you want one, or to call a sponsor? Have you tried those things? Maybe this is what you need, a good sponsor. You need to find ways to ignore those voices in your head that tell you it's ok to have a drink.

                      And is there anything you can do to get a job that involves less travelling as I think the sole travelling is a trigger for you. There probably would be meetings on the road. AA also advises 90 meetings in 90 days. It's hard core but would that help?

                      What meds have you tried? Sorry I don't remember reading about your experiences with medications.

                      Also, seems like Irish Lady wrote a lot of good posts about looking in the mirror and recognizing one day she was an alcoholic and she stopped. So for some people the label seems to help. I think her posts are really good. Maybe you could read some of those for inspiration.

                      Your family needs you and you can do it but I think it might be a lot harder if you look at the big picture. Instead focus on each day. But I think you may have been doing that.

                      Sorry I am such a wimp!
                      nancy

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                        Cindi - I go with Neil....find out, REALLY sit with it, what was going on in the lead up....the lead up to the first real big slip.....it was a week ago or so....? You were travelling? Can you not travel in 2008? Change jobs? YOU matter - then your family -THEN any bloody job.....as long as you can eat, just clear tables, whatever.....but get well. Then going back throguh ALLthe triggers is a process that might help.....did me.

                        If YOU want to...? If YOU want to stop being alone in hotel rooms so's drink is such a great excuse....... And if you're throwing the computer at the wall coz I am so wrong, GOOD..... Discovering where we're wrong, what isn't a trigger is a big step. I'm not pretending to be right there, just stimulating thinking....and I ever say anything that is near the mark, it'll be luck, but all for you; YOU deserve to know...to find a way through....to find your way out.

                        Let's get to the bottom of this? Even if it's inherited genes, stopping the big triggers is imperative.... .

                        Cindi love - OK, you want a kick, I'm kicking.....coz I'm not giving up on you, big kicking boots on or not...I want to see you settled and contented.....so I'll help where and how I can.

                        STOP. NOW.....Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...and we're here to hold your hand every inch of the way.

                        I'm sorry I didn't see Chat - I can't get it yet.....but see, so many friends here for you. And going nowhere except with you!

                        Cindi - YOU CAN DO THIS. Did you see Hart's new signature? "Courage does not only roar, Sometimes it is the small voice at the end of the day that says "I will try again tomorrow". You HAVE that courage, and if it's a bti willowy at the moment, well, we'll all chip in a bit!

                        FMS xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

                        (Thaks Hart! I love it!)
                        :heart: c: :heart:
                        "Be patient and gentle with yourself - the magic is in you."

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                          Cindi,
                          I dont really "know" you but have read lots and lots of your posts, and I got the impression you were AF and fine with it.
                          But if something happened to make you drink again, of course all of us here at MWO are here to HELP, I hope I can participate in that somehow.

                          Take care,
                          Loved1
                          AF since 7/5/2009

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                            one more thing cindi...

                            along the lines of getting more face-to-face support, you could go to AA meetings...also do you have any interest in organizing an MWO face-to-face meeting? Maybe if you could find some people who are successfully abstinent in MWO and live near you...

                            just a thought.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Rambling of a Diseased Mind

                              Big Fat Kick in the Butt Cindi

                              You know Mags is watching you

                              You know I will call you
                              You know I will come down there and beat you up if I have to
                              Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

                              Comment

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