Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

[retteacher]

Hi MWO friends: I feel almost my old self. It took a while, but I was able to strategize & discover what I needed to do:
-had a serious discussion w/hubby about some issues.
-finished some unfinished tasks that were hanging.
-vowed to stop worrying so much about my grown son.

Pre-MWO, I would have gone on a drinking binge...only to be filled w/self-recrimination & guilt afterwards. That would have put off the inevitable (trying to get to the root of what was bothering me).

Now that I've gotten through this situational depression, I can add this to my store of successful coping strategies. I can see now how I used booze to escape from life. Of course, when I escaped from the difficulties, I was also escaping from the joys.

Thank you for all your support. Mary

[jane jane]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

You and me both. And from what, I wonder, was I "escaping"? A happy, sexy marriage of 25 wonderful years---two delightful, beautiful, brilliant, funny, creative daughters---financial comfort---plenty of travel and hobbies---a fun, rewarding freelance editing job a few hours a week---a lovely home and many good friends---oh, what HELL. No wonder I turned to that big bottle of white wine daily I was cruising through "life" on auto-pilot, missing most of the great moments. Without the happy hazy chronic buzz, I feel like I have my senses back, and am enjoying the smallest subtleties. The taste of a strawberry! A funny *New Yorker* cartoon! The goofy look on my dog's face when she wants a Milk Bone! My husband's goodnight kiss! I think that's what I'm most grateful for about sobriety---the razor-keen awareness of the nice things of life, so easy to miss when snockered...

By the way, RetT, you've been one of my greatest inspirations on this board. Thanks!

[YoungAtHeart]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Good for you, Mary! You are doing yourself proud there! It really is easier without the booze. You go through a few days or weeks of discomfort but then you do come up with some solutions/answers. Solutions are not always easy ones, but at least we're not avoiding what we need to know.

You're right, too, JaneJane, there are so many joys that we do miss when we are drinking--just little things, but so important.


Got a busy day ahead. Boy I'd like to crawl back in bed and sleep for a bit longer!:H

Have a good day everyone!

Hugs to all,:l
Kathy

[retteacher]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

JaneJane: I'm in much the same boat...a pretty wonderful life. Why, oh why, did I develop the daily (big) bottle of wh. wine? At this point, I can't even imagine why. Perhaps, to avoid just those types of things I'm now dealing with (small as they are in the big picture, but big to me, I reckon). It actually seems kind of lazy of me to want to do an end-run around every little wrinkle.

Kathy: Your words mean so much to me. I know you've been where I am & come through the other side. Thank you very much.

As for being an inspiration: I often don't feel like one looking back on all my escapades. However, wo/all of you (newbie & oldbie), I wouldn't be where I am today. If I am of help to any of you, it's because I'm so grateful to be sober after so many years of being numbed out. Mary

[Denise]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Hello everyone,

Day 3 AF.

I know what you mean about all those years of shutting out joys, as well as creating unnecessary extra pain too. I can't believe how many years I've been doing that. Moderation gave me hope that I could improve my life, and now I think AF is a real possibility.

love and thanks for the inspiration,

D

[go2goal]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

What were we "Escaping"? - Our Selves.

It is great to 'do life' with yourself and not with a shell that buried self way down deep - in the fear depth of the soul. So, here we are, doing it, dealing with it head on, and becoming aware of the little beauties of freedom.

Celebrate that by Breathing Deep.

Go2GOal

[Determinator]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

top of the morning Absters far and wide!

nice quiet morning in the snowy Sierras and enjoying some of that sharp awareness JaneJane spoke of

here's a theory on why I drank: life presented challenges and complexities that I could not relate to and made me very anxious and frustrated. so I'd binge. binging gave me pain and distraction. I can relate to pain...it is a simple and powerful thing. then when I get over the pain I've got a feeling of satisfaction and accompllishment...even though I'm only getting over something that I did to myself. it's like I'm using pain as a security blanket as absurd as that may sound. so glad to not need that blanket of pain anymore!

Denise, welcome! day 3 is fab!!

be well friends

[retteacher]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Deter: Interesting theory. Pain is simpler than the complexities of feelings that come w/dealing w/life. I also know that as painful as they were, all the rituals around secretly drinking were very, very distracting. Talk about a wild goose chase: Finding yet another liquor store to buy from, a new hiding place, a secret time to drink. Ugh! I'll take life w/all it's warts any day. For today, I am not drinking. Mary

[keeta]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

morning all,

this is not an easy post for me to make today. not just because i drank last night...even wanted to post then for help but was too ashamed...but because after i logged on this morning, i actually considered lying about falling on my face again. How sick is THAT. It troubles me for a few reasons...one, lying is wrong...although frankly, while drinking, i guess i pretty much lie to myself on a regular basis, and anyone else that i have to lie to, to keep up my self distructive behaviiour. There are two bigger reasons it troubles me.

One...lying about drinking...about how many AF days i have physically and emotionally been able to accomplish to the ONLY support i have is WAY up there on the scale of the exact pattern of behaviour i am trying to break...and frankly opens the door, to giving myself permission to lie again and again.
Two....talk about setting yourself up to fail...opening the door and giving ones self permission to screw up and not accept responsibility for it.

ARGH.
So i want to apologise...not only for not being strong enough to go AF last night...but for even CONSIDERING lying to all you incredible people who have offered support, advise, and a place to be honestly understood, for the first time maybe ever in my life. i am disgusted with myself. and honestly, i don't even know why i am posting this, except that i figure, if i can't be honest HERE, i am really really F$%KED!...i may never be able to help myself.

so again...i am truely sorry.
K

[rustop61]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Hi everyone

Your words rang true with me Jane Jane. What exactly was I running away from? A wonderful husband of 23 years, 2 teenage daughters, friends, wonderful home. Crazy. With me a lot of it was habit, the bad habit of sitting down at night having a glass of wine with hubby to relax. Most of the time not a problem. The problem mainly arose when I drank alone, I just did not know when to stop. Like all habits it will take time to break but I finally feel I am getting there thanks to MWO.

Rustop

[Determinator]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Keeta, bravo for being strong and posting with your heart wide open. it's tough I know. my signature line is "know thyself". it's the simplest and most difficult task in my life.
glad you are here

[jane jane]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Oh, Keeta, no apology necessary except to yourself. I, too, have been tempted to gloss over my holiday slide down the slippery slope, but what's the point of posting and writing fiction? So I decided I'd stay away until I could honestly say---and MEAN---"I'm AF today!"

Mary, amen to the massive work involved in hiding that little habit we had! It would be funny if it weren't so sad! Stowing wine in my TAMPAX cabinet, the one place Mr. Jane would never go near? Rotating my elegant little daily wine purchases between no less than NINE liquor stores, paying cash every time to leave no paper trail? Jumping a foot in the air and dashing to hide my glass if husband came home early? I'm soooooo thrilled to have those days behind me. And they are, this time.

Rustop, I figured out that my whole problem started because of my super-high energy level. Getting blissfully buzzzzzed on delicious wine calmed that Tigger-like bounce and let me slow down, saunter more leisurely through the day. Until, of course, it managed to take away ALL my energy! Ugh. No more of that mess!

[Senex]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

What a great discussion. I've been thinking along these lines a lot over the last few weeks. Why do I drink and destroy what is essentially a good life?

I don't have any profound answers to that; but one thing that I think is necessary is to look at all of these behaviors and rituals with as little emotion (or fear or self-pity) as possible. When I think about my drinking habits, it is all so mechanical - make promises before going out to the bar I won't drink too much, go to the bar and drink too much, go out to other seedier and seedier bars, get into dangerous situations, make it home, recover, overcome the pain, resolve to do better, etc. It is all such a mechanical, predictable cycle.

And once it gets rolling, I doubt there's much stopping it. I'm sure if I went to a bar tonight, exactly that scenario would replay.

I want to be a moderate drinker; but I don't think it will ever be possible for me to drink in certain situations any longer. I truly think my only hope is if I drink at all, it has to be wine with food and my girlfriend, and that is it. No social drinking, or drinking at bars, or by myself. Because I have way too many rituals built up around those situations, and if I put myself in those situations, the mechanics will kick right back in, and I'll repeat the same sad cycle.

There is a certain amount of fear involved in facing up to all this; but once I've gotten past the fear, it all seems much less complicated and predictable.

[retteacher]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

keeta: Always, always, always come here when you need to. Don't ever feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty. If you could see my record from my first few months at MWO, you'd be shocked. I drank more than before I came to MWO...complete w/black-outs, vomiting, & embarrassments.

I knew I had to come back here regardless of the drinking...I was out of options. MWO was my salvation, but I didn't know it in the beginning. I guess I still had the hope that I'd somehow learn how to drink "properly." I had some short-term & long-term stretches of AF as I progressed in MWO. Then, on Oct. 6, I woke up in the morning & decided I wouldn't drink for that day. I wasn't worried about the future...just for today: drinking was not an option.

That will happen to you keeta if you really want it. In the meantime, if you stumble, get up & come back here & explain & try again. This is not a contest...it's your life. You can have what you want. We've got your back. Mary

[YoungAtHeart]

Wed. - Jan. 9 - Daily Thread

Keeta, I figure that the important thing is that you DIDN'T LIE. In the past when I've slipped, it sure has crossed my mind to lie. In fact, I did a few times and felt wretched about it until I realized that I was only hurting myself. You were brave to "fess up" right away.

I have the feeling from your honestly that you have what it takes to get AF and stay that way; we are 100% behind you!

Mary, I'm glad that you are feeling better. :h

Congrats on 3 days, Denise.

Hugs to everyone,:l
Kathy