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keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:15 PM
My name is Kim.and I am a complete fuck up.

I repeatedly make the same mistake over and over, and yet I can't seem to learn the lesson..STOP.

Flash back to 16...moving out of my parents house.drugs and alcohol were fun..flash forward to 27..alcohol isn't so fun now....I think I need it.flash forward to 40.I am an alcoholic....I hate who I have allowed myself to become and I just don't seem to have what it takes to STOP...i hate who I have allowed myself to become. I am a disgustingly selfish human being who is so wrapped up in their own problems i don't see (but i do) the crap i spread.
My name is Kim, and I AM an alcoholic.
I NEED help.

dexterhead
January 21st, 2008, 10:23 PM
Keeta, my friend,
I don't have much wisdom ,but damn I am just the same as you .. so miserable at what I"ve allowed this shitty liquid to do to me and my life .. I'm so tired and sad. let us help each other ! please be OK tonight Keeta

myra
January 21st, 2008, 10:25 PM
Kim
This is a great place to be if you want to find some peace with yourself. Please start by not referring to yourself as a complete fuck up. No one,not even the worst among us, is a complete fuck up. Now, not to say we don't fuck up. And fuck up completely sometimes. But that is not the sum of who we are. What about the times when you are not a fuck up? Do you give your self credit for those? Probably not. I'll bet they are there though. This group is the absolute best at helping you find the best in yourself. It is amazing. They find the parts to love. And the parts to be proud of. And help to diminish the parts we don't necessarily find pride in. So hang with us for that.
Myra

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:28 PM
oh Dex, bless you for answering.I am super bummer, bottom barrell.I don't feel so alone with the dancing cat and you.I don't know what help I can be to you but support....,
i am one fucked up girlie right now,
K

Preciouspinot
January 21st, 2008, 10:28 PM
You have it in you to pick yourself and to do better. Declare your pity party "over". We are here to give all the support you desire if you let us. I don't know what aspects of the program you are doing but, maybe it is time to map out a plan and stick to it. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! It does get better...you need to get yourself in a positive mind frame and have a little faith in YOU....:l

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:31 PM
myra.we crossposted.you are right....I don't give myself credit for the good things.likely an issue a shrink would have days with..and perhaps one of the many reasons I drink.thank you SO much for posting.I am feeling super lonely and needy.and your post made me feel loved..
love and hugs,
K

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:35 PM
PreciousPinot.maybe that is what i don't believe..that i have it in me.but i am in a bummer mood way down south.i DO need to map out a plan you are SO right.and journalling was my next thought.thank you so much for replying i was desperate for human contact,
Love and hugs,
K

Preciouspinot
January 21st, 2008, 10:45 PM
I understand...I really do. Real change is not going to take place until you are feeling "worthy" of the change. Do things to work on your self esteem. (in addition to the program, of course) Get your hair done, get a manicure, exercise, eat healthy, read an inspiring book, do something you love to do...anything. What is it that interests you? What are your passions?

Leafsguy
January 21st, 2008, 10:47 PM
The journal thing has helped me through some hard times; and not just with drinking. It is very satisfying to look back at what you have written sometimes; just so you can validate that "yes, I am a great person with good intentions, just not a good plan" I sometimes surprise myself with things I have written and forgot. Try to work on letting go of your anger with yourself Kim. As others have said, you are nothing near a "fuck up" because even without knowing you, I know that everyone has family and friends that love them to death, and vice-versa....and there is no way that that is fucked up. I am near your age and fought that same demon since I was a teenager....accept your shortcomings and celebrate the fantastic things about yourself!

bald headed old guy
January 21st, 2008, 10:48 PM
Kim,
When you are at the bottom of the barrell, so to speak, the only way to look is up! It is not easy, you know that! But you also have indicated in your posts what you want to do. You can do it, it will not be easy, but there are lots of people on here who are in,or have been in, the same boat you find yourself in right now.
Stick on here, check in often, go join the chat rooms. One of the greatest assets of this site is no one is going to judge you. and they will help you and sit with you, help you get over this one day, one hour at a time.
You can do it!
BHOG

dexterhead
January 21st, 2008, 10:52 PM
Keeta: these guys have some great wisdom. Does it seem like the guys who join this site are more successful at beating this damned beast? don't know .. but dam Keeta/Kim I am right where you are, miserable as hell, and I want to start tomorrow in beating the beast .. please join me my friend!!!

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:58 PM
Precious.perhaps that is my trouble.I don't feel worthy of change.I just don't know what to do to get there....what the hell will finially make me believe i am worth NOT drinking........(crying here)
Leafesguy.I think i DO need to journal to keep track of my messed up emotions.there are days I can't believe I belong in the human race.........I am a needy fucked up mess.YEAH me!

BHOG...thank YOU so much for responding....i do know what i want but for some damn reason i can't seem to accomplish it.i am an idiot.i am an alchie, but i drink.i watch it fuck up my life but i drink,i am sorry but i hold true to my bi-line.i AM a fuck up.......

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 10:59 PM
dex baby friend.i will try.but my track record is poor at best

dexterhead
January 21st, 2008, 11:02 PM
keeta, mine too .. let's try

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 11:03 PM
ok.it is beyond me to deny a dancing cat ;)

Thankful
January 21st, 2008, 11:06 PM
Keeta, hun, I'll join you in chat right now if you like. You can vent all you want.

Love, Me
:l

keeta
January 21st, 2008, 11:07 PM
am trying to figure out hopw to pm you dex,

Leafsguy
January 21st, 2008, 11:11 PM
I would ask how long you've felt like this? I have fought with depression and self-image issues my whole life; and used alcohol to self medicate my troubles away; only to find they would be there waiting for me and angrier than ever. I only ever got any relief by getting some real help in that area, which makes me ready to deal with the drinking now. I only say this because for me it was the old chicken or the egg conundrum...what to deal with first to get results? I used to think I could storm my way through the drinking to get to the real me, but that never worked. I am now professionally medicated, and having better results it seems.....

and I would point out; you're not an idiot or a fuck up. Really. You are here and it is a step. Yes, it seems like a step up an escalator at times, but the more persistant you are and determined you are, the slower the steps will turn. Try to have faith that you are trying your best. Its all any of us can do.

karbihere
January 21st, 2008, 11:30 PM
Bald Headed Guy

Hi bald headed guy I cant believe I have finally come across someone that lives in the same area as me. :)

karbihere
January 21st, 2008, 11:33 PM
Keep It Simple

Hi girls, sounds like we are all in the same boat. coming up on seven months AGAIN sober hang in there ONE DAY AT A TIME.........EASY DOES IT... you can do this you really can... If I can you can ..:)

kingfisher
January 21st, 2008, 11:47 PM
Hi Keeta.
Ha, stop beating yourself up. Simply do the best you can to improve yourself one day at a time. When you fall (Thats to fucken bad) we all do, just pick yourself up and continue were you left off. Now do something nice for yourself and start over.

Here's some words I read by Louise L Hay. Thought id'e pass them on.

Refuse to criticize yourself. Criticism never changes a thing. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

Don't scare yourself: Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It's a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure,(eg. yellow roses), and immediatly switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.

Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself, as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.

Be kind to your mind: Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.

Praise yourself: Criticism breaks down your inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well your do'ing with every little thing.

Support yourself: Find way's to support yourself. Reash out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you nead it.

I wish you nothing but success down this most difficult road.
Your friend
K.F.

Not Happy Hour-Happy Life
January 21st, 2008, 11:52 PM
Hey Miss Kim~
I have to confess something: you Fucking FOOLED me! You see, I have NEVER thought of you as a Fuck Up. If you are a Fuck up, well, you are the Thoughtful kind. D Marie shows up here suddenly one night, pleading for help.... did you fuck up? Fooled me. If you are a Fuck up, you are the Cheerleading kind. :ourgirl: Pink Peppercorn went MIA, and when she came back you were one of the first ones to wrap a hug around Miss Pink. Is that FUCKED UP? If you are a Fuck Up, you are the Soul-searching kind. As you struggled to get through day 3, you wrote, "What is it about day three that seems to sit there like this huge hurdle." How many other people felt your angst, and gained strength from your honesty? If you are a Fuck Up, you are the Forgiving kind. As Star fought with her battles, you said, "Be gentle- Please be gentle with yourself, you went so long AF, that you need to allow yourself this small blip." If you are a Fuck up, you are the optimistic variety: "Hopefully feeling supported and in turning supporting others, maybe, just maybe I can do this?????????????. " Well if you are a Fuck Up, so is Ding Dong, because as you Encouraged her, you noted, "We are in this together" :l If you are a Fuck Up, then you gotta get with Cowgirl and perfect how to be the "Controlling" kind. :kudos: Miss Keeta, I kept looking: I still don't see it. Are you a CLOSET FUCK UP, my friend??? If so, do you have room in that closet for me too, please? :heart:
You see, Miss Kim, you abso-fucking-lutely surprised me with this post. I hope you understand why. You provide love, warmth, caring, forgiveness, hope, encouragement, hugs, optimism. The human kind, not the fucked up kind, my friend. (Would you like to try on my rose-colored spectacles?)
I was trying to find the inspirational words to close this post, and guess what: I AM THE FUCK UP.... because I'm gonna cheat. One of my heroes on this forum is Chief, and I found one of his eloquent posts. Ladies and Gents, here his Chief's inspiring message:
Keeta....I just want to tell you you're doing a fine job and everything you are thinking and feeling is normal... You are going through withdrawl...it's an uneasy feeling, a mix of emotions.

If you haven't already done so, you have to make a plan. You have to make a committment to yourself to not drink. Think of it as a battle...a test of wills. One voice in your head, The Beast, is putting all kinds of thoughts and pictures into your mind, with the sole purpose being getting you to take that first drink. That's all The Beast wants you to do...just have 1 ...because he knows that once you have 1, then he's in control, and you'll have 20.
The other voice in your head is the real you. The you that wants to quit drinking. The you that knows right from wrong. The you that realizes if you don't stop this insanity something very bad is going to happen. The you that wants to take back control and stop living a life of deception and guilt. The you that wants to be you again.

So take this battle seriously. The hard part only lasts a few days. Think of it as having the flu...there's nothing you can do about it but take care of yourself and let it run it's course, and it will be over...
You have to want to win. Be stubborn about it. Promise yourself you will not drink...no matter what.....NO MATTER WHAT. Give yourself your word on it. I will not drink today.

It's all about attitude. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. Distract yourself. Go to the gym. Go running. Go for a walk.

Make sure there is no booze in your house. Don't go to stores that sell it for the first few days. Set yourself up for success, not failure. You have to be proactive and attack this thing...don't just sit around waiting to cave. Look for every opportunity to win.

Keep reading and posting...go on chat...there are always people here to help you if you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for help in chat. If there are people chatting or joking and you need to talk, just say so, and they will be there for you.

We've all gone through what you are right now. You're not alone...we can help..

Hope this helps.... You can do this.... If I can do it, so can you..

Don

So listen to the Chief of Fuck Ups, Keeta.... he's in charge. Or, should we decide as a group that this is a "FUCK FREE ZONE"? Much love,

Bessie
January 22nd, 2008, 01:39 AM
Patty - brilliant! I would struggle to even begin to put a tenth of that into words. You hit the nail on the head.

KEEETTAAAAA!!!! (calls out across the miles) - listen to your Aunty Patty!! And your Uncle Chief!!

They type pure sense!

Stay strong.

Bessiex xxx :l :l

Finding My Self
January 22nd, 2008, 03:57 AM
And I'm calling out from over here too, Kim!! Patty - that was lovely and something we all could read to quieten our lurking enemy - self-doubt!

Kim - Don and Patty have said it....and so many here.....it's a tough call but you can do this thing....and we're all beside you as you find your way...sometimes each of us can work it out first time and sometimes it's a real journey of trial and errror...but you'll get there and no one is going to criticise you here if you do it fast or slow....but JFDI!!!! (Just Do It with extra F!!!!)
And that JFDI is for you....not us. No one wants anything other than to see you making friends with yourself...the Kim we see and who, as Patty has shown, is a lovely, warm, special human being...

...and, like it or not, you are a creature of light and nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever change that....you're beautiful.

Go to it, Kim!

Hugs
FMS xx

keeta
January 22nd, 2008, 08:54 AM
Firstly, I want to say thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
To each and every person who replied last night, you were a God send. What is it about alcohol and withdrawl, and or cravings, that can send a person into such a downward spiral of emotions? A pity party, if you will. While not wrapped up in my own emotions, I look at it and think is this a way I have allowed myself to drink?

Pity party...oh, better drown that with booze...sad...drink some more...angry cause I am "a fuck up" (ok...Patty, please don't get on me...just quoting myself here ;) )...toss a couple more back.
yeesh, if my own emotions are triggers, I am going to have to be extra stealthy.

This was just a quick post to say thanks....will get back in a bit, to address more issues...
I needed people...caring understanding people, last night. As always....you guys arrived in spades. Thanks again!
love and hugs,
K

greeneyes
January 22nd, 2008, 09:06 AM
Kingfisher, Ah.... Louise Hay. Good references there.

lukalee
January 22nd, 2008, 02:16 PM
God Patty, I love you. I wish I were a man (or a lesbian). You are always so straight forward, yet, funny at the same time.
Keeta, your are not a fuck up. If you're a fuck up, then I am a fuck up, and everyone else here for that matter. Do you think I am a fuck up? (Please don't answer that :)) You may have fucked up (just like everyone else), but we cannot change that. We can only change what we are doing in the moment. Just this very moment.......And this one........and now this one........

trixietrack
January 23rd, 2008, 02:09 PM
keeta;258912 wrote: My name is Kim.and I am a complete fuck up.

I repeatedly make the same mistake over and over, and yet I can't seem to learn the lesson..STOP.

Flash back to 16...moving out of my parents house.drugs and alcohol were fun..flash forward to 27..alcohol isn't so fun now....I think I need it.flash forward to 40.I am an alcoholic....I hate who I have allowed myself to become and I just don't seem to have what it takes to STOP...i hate who I have allowed myself to become. I am a disgustingly selfish human being who is so wrapped up in their own problems i don't see (but i do) the crap i spread.
My name is Kim, and I AM an alcoholic.
I NEED help.
please re-write this on this thread, be positive. because by typing such things as you have done above, you are re enforcing something negative and destructive. to change the views you have of yourself you must start to see the positive. it's there, it's just a matter of focusing on it.:h

start by becoming self aware and not self absorbed.

deep