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Noelle
January 30th, 2008, 12:53 AM
I can't tell you how many times I've quit drinking. Rehab three times. Etc., etc. etc.. I've been here before. Got the CDs but stopped with an excuse. I just ordered the Kudzu. I can't wait to drink, around 5pm. My daughter doesn't like what I do because she wants to unload her feelings to me and I don't remember them the next day. Like duh! What kind of asshole am I?

I've tried AA.........it's a cult to me, ick. Jeesh, I want to type a lot but I'm so freaked I don't even feel like it.

I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

Hopefully when the Kudzu arrives and I start to relistening to the CDs, things will be better. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm not. It's just so much easier to just give up and drink. I have a lot of stresses at home, but I know they are just excuses. Three rehabs taught me that, but I still resist.

I've read all the positive remarks y'all say to others and I'm not even sure they would make me feel any different. What the hell is wrong with me???????????? Okay, don't answer that. I feel like I'm the round peg in the square hole.

Okay, enough for now, I could write a book............

Thanks for reading..........

Oh, BTW, I'm really good at helping others because of all of my experience in rehabs, but am unable to help myself. Whateverr...............

Sorry that I don't sound so urgent,,,,,,,,,,I'm 56 and have learned to control the emotions.

Determinator
January 30th, 2008, 01:19 AM
Noelle, glad you are here and sorry to hear your frustration. We are certainly good at frustrating ourselves at times eh? I find that if I'm feeling confused and messed up where I don't know what the heck I'm doing it's usually a sign that I've been neglecting my supplements/vitamins. they really have that much of an impact on my mental strength. that and exercise. it may sound silly and trite but those two things may be more powerful than all the drugs available. and they are healthy :)

this line that you wrote:
I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

made me think of a thread i started in general about the two parts of our brain....the frontal and limbic. classic example of this conflict in our brain. We do and we don't. We know and we don't know. we see and we are blind. sorry, I'm philosphical and sleepy at the same time...bad combo.
stay in touch Nolle, and know we are thinking positive thoughts for you.

Noelle
January 30th, 2008, 01:32 AM
Determinator..........thanks for the reply. I take a lot of vitamins. I don't exercise and duh, know I should. Here I am, staying up late, drinking wine and also drinking 1/2 coffee. Caffeine is NOT my friend. I'm very close to my wit's end. I'lll stop drinking tomoorrow, tomorrow which never comes. Ya know?

Like I said, I tried to CDS and they worked until my CD player broke. What an excuse, right? That was two November's ago. I feel like I'm too old to change. Fifty-six is OLD. I don't LOOK 56, because alcohol has pickled my face,,,,,,,,,,,,like the portait of Dorian Gray? Is that right? Whatever.............

maasai
January 30th, 2008, 01:45 AM
noel, its a nice thing that you have posted here, th e biggest setback that you have is your ATTITUDE, before i made a decision as i said before i thought that i would do you it alone, since i keep telling myself am SMART ENOUGH, INTELIGENT ENOUGH, so ican do it by myself, but never till the day i gave up. you said you know all the problems you have are due to your drinking then what next, its only you who can fix, that we cannot do it for you YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER YOUR DRINKING,stop fighting that since its a battle you can never win. keep posting you are in the right place,

planetjanet
January 30th, 2008, 02:47 AM
Noelle,

Thank you for posting your message and a big hug to you for stepping up to the plate in being honest about your drinking. It's a tough thing to realize that what causes so much mayhem in our lives, is something we LOVE to do. I too, have struggled with my drinking and know exactly how you feel, we all do and again thanks for sharing your story. For me, I don't give a darn how many times I tried to quit and failed, I have to say that each and every time my WILL has gotten stronger and I tell ya, I am not giving up and neither should you. Try to stay strong, you can do it! Just keep fighting, just like we all are and if you drink, just get back on that bull and grab it by the horns....take control!

I hope this helps you a little and please keep posting us with updates. Lots of hugs and best wishes to you.

Big hugs,
Janet
AF Day 3

P.S. I would be happy to buy you a CD player : )

Guest
January 30th, 2008, 06:27 AM
Hi Noelle,
You say you "just don`t want to stop, even though I KNOW I should".........well, that`s not quite true, is it ?............I mean, it`s the wanting to stop that initially led you here, and it`s that inner desire to stop which can bring you success, provided you invest your all in this..........ain`t really as harrowing as it sounds........promise!!!

The fact that you`ve previously been to rehab doesn`t make you a failure........It`s just that you have yet to fully apply yourself to your mission. You need to give it all you`ve got, by way of diet, supps, exercise, possibly the hypno CDs and perhaps some meds. Be kind to yourself.........indulge your passions in life.........spoil yourself a little and learn to savour each new day in sobriety as an exhilirating adventure, filled with possibilities and opportunities.

You really need to devise a plan of attack against the booze and show that Beast that you mean business.........fight like a man, and you can certainly emerge the victor.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

nancy
January 30th, 2008, 07:53 AM
Hi Noelle:welcome:

It must be frustrating to have tried so hard but not to have achieved what you want.
Have you considered medication? I am intrigued by what I have read about this. you can do a search. Take a look through our medications section because there is a lot of interesting drug research posted tthere. I would try meds if I had an unmanageable problem and I would try low doses.

For me, alcohol and coffee are mood elevators. That is they lift your mood temporarily and then make you feel badly in the long run if they are abused. I don't know how we get the rational parts of our brain described by Determinator to get into the driver's seat.

I think exercise lifts mood but doesn't have the negative aspects of caffeine and alcohol. It takes a big mental shift to change established behaviors and get off auto-pilot.

Carm
January 30th, 2008, 09:41 AM
:welcome: Noelle a big hug, kisses and a "spank"
...like Massai said....your attitude:nutso:
3 rehabs doesnt mean a thing, could be 10, still just tells you that it was not "your way out"...this is why you are here .....MY WAY OUT!!!! Every experience is in retrosperspective a "good" experience because you can learn from it. Dont even start to think that you failed because you did not! You are aware of your problem, different approaches didnt work ......you struggled but you face it. So, dig into the box full of experiences......pick out the useful stuff....throw the other stuff away......mix it all together with our "MWO Blender" and get yourself a nice Frappo...whatever sober chino!

Love ya....mill hugs

Accountable for Me
January 30th, 2008, 11:08 AM
Noelle, I had been to 2 rehab's, well actually detox - in 2004. I learned a lot there to, but it was a mere 10 days I made it too before I started drinking again. My head wasn't in it. I knew I had to quit drinking, but didn't want to. I had a hard time believing that I couldn't ever drink again. (or at least that was what was taught to me there). Funny, my family took me to rehab both times, but still INSIST I drink with them when I see them. (Although I rarely do - because they are hypocrits).

Anyway, it wasn't until 2006 (the end of) I decided to quit for myself. I had a small child, and although I abstained while being preggers, once I had her I went back to the booze hard. I was so very sick by Dec. 2006 I searched for some miracle cure and found this place. It wasn't a miracle cure, but just relating to people who were feeling alone with this disease made a world of difference in the aid of my recovery. I was completely sober for 5 months! I tend to have the occasional drink from time to time now, but I am aware of where I was and where I want to be.

Where am I going with this? You will ultimately decide when it is right for you. Feeling pressured or guilted into quitting will only hinder you. We will be here for you when you are good and ready. We will be here for you when you get your ammo and start your road to recovery. Stay close and keep us posted.

Thankful
January 30th, 2008, 11:11 AM
Noelle, welcome. Your post seems very honest and open.
It takes a lot of courage to come to a site like this and say...
I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

Some ques to ask yourself (not asking you to post answers unless you want to, hun);
(1) "I know what I am" ...what exactly is that?
(2) If you "just don't want to stop", then are you happy with your day to day life?
(3) If you "know you should", then why do you think you should?

You have to really want this, plain and simple. I agree that your attitude is a sabatoge that the inner you doesn't deserve to have running the show anymore. So you have tried rehab, et al, and they didn't work. That doesn't make you a failure. We only fail when we don't even bother to try. So try again, Noelle. Someday something is going to click and you are going to be amazed at the clarity when it does. Maybe MWO will be that "click" your mind needs.

You control your life. You control you. We will be here to help every step of the way. But you got to take that first step.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

Love, Me
:l

Cinders
January 30th, 2008, 11:15 AM
Noelle,

I agree with all the above.

The only ones of us who fail are those of us who quit trying.

I refuse to fail.

Hang in there and keep trying.

Cindi

Gumby
January 30th, 2008, 11:44 AM
The fact that you keep trying says so much. The burden of daily worry takes it toll on us. Yet you keep trying....think about it. You are here and still trying.

I was so where you are at. I wanted it but some part of me didn't. It really pissed me off. I would read others who posted such success, I was happy for them ,yet so jealous.

Somebody mentioned that all of a sudden it will happen. I remember reading that before here...I thought...I wish it was that easy. Everyday I would wake up and say I'm not going to drink today and I would talk myself out of that notion by 5pm and I was drunk by 9pm for many years.

Well something happened, just like they said, I don't want to use a typical AA phrase because I to am not a big advocate of it, but I think, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got up one morning pucked....blahhh.... and said that's it...no more, enough is enough. I didn't think I had that type of thinking in me, but it was there and although it is a struggle I haven't been drunk since then. I still have urges,I don't want to feel like that ever again though....never.

The only thing you can do is just keep trying...just keep trying. Give yourself credit. You haven't thrown in the towel. Good job on that. Good luck

dexterhead
January 30th, 2008, 12:09 PM
Noelle, I am where you are, I KNOW what I have to do and have managed a few days alcohol-free this month, but something in my brain still hasn't made that magic click. But I think I am getting there and coming here every day helps me. Just coming here is a big step I think.:h

kaddy
January 30th, 2008, 01:34 PM
hi all,,,am so glad l found this site,,,l was sober for 6 mouth,,,then had a fall back a few week ago,,,for 2 weeks,,,none stop drinking,,,but been of for 8 days...but finding it very hard this time

planetjanet
January 30th, 2008, 02:29 PM
Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to add my two cents. Good job for all of us working hard and no matter what PLEASE keep fighting, no matter how many times you fall off that wagon, get right back on. You know the saying: "If you don't succeed, TRY, TRY, again". I believe that this applies to drinking. Noelle, try to take the attitude that you can do this, trust me I know it's hard in the beginning but you will feel better when you take that step. I agree, exercise is one extremely important ingredient in making yourself feel better, even if you just go out for a ten minute walk.

Kaddy, same thing applies to you as well. Think back to the time you were 6 months sober and how good you felt. Just because you are "non-stop" now, doesn't mean you have to be, you can TRY to stop the cycle, don't give up the fight...you are a special person, we all are.

Keep fighting and keep us posted.

Big hugs to everyone,
Janet
AF Day 3

Ripple
January 30th, 2008, 09:38 PM
Noelle, I am so afraid to relapse. The thought of starting this all over again seems so difficult. Never do i want Rehab again, i think about (the hell i went through) when i have a momment. I understand your pain, keeping trying.

:l
Luv Ripple~

Noelle
January 31st, 2008, 05:05 PM
I think of relapse, providing it's a very short one, sort of like dieting and not following the diet for one day. An alcohol relapse is worse of course, but hopefully you get backk on the horse the next day. It's not the end of the world. Provided you unrelapse immediately. I don't, does that make any sense?

Noelle
February 1st, 2008, 02:24 AM
I just spent 1 1/2 hours talking to my daughter (18). I know she hates that I drink but the things she said tonight were just amazing. Where did this come from? I want to promise her that I won't ever drink again, but how can I? I don't even know myself. What to do? Help!

Noelle
February 1st, 2008, 02:34 AM
And why the heck am I still awake??? It's like I'm afraid to go to sleep. ???

(Tried to edit my previous post and am not sure what happened. I guess it will show up later.)

Noelle
February 1st, 2008, 02:37 AM
Maasia, I honestly thought I'd replied to you. ??? Thanks for your support is what I had said. How're you doing?

Ripple
February 1st, 2008, 02:05 PM
Noelle, how are ya? I have a few nights a week up ALL night....playing house. I find it normal to have nights wide awake, it gets better in time. Once the honeymoon of being sober goes away.

:l Ripple~

Noelle
February 1st, 2008, 09:31 PM
This is weird and stupid. I drink, then I drink 1/2 coffee to sort of sober up ( and caffiene is the devil to me), then I drink some more so I can go to sleep. I was up until 5:30 this morning. MONDAY! I'm stopping!!!!!!!!

dexterhead
February 1st, 2008, 09:56 PM
Hi Noelle: Yes MONDAY!! Hey, I hear you. I have been on MWO every day since November and still haven't managed to quit. I have been planning to quit for years. It's always something. It's ridiculous! Drinking isn't even fun anymore, it's just numbing. I am disgusted with myself and my life. I've done the caffeine plus alcohol thing. uggh.

Hey, my mom's family is from Pittsburgh, and we used to go out there every summer. I remember streetcars!!! We used to take streetcars to Kennywood? am I remembering this right? I haven't been to Pittsburgh actually since I was 16. My grandparents have been gone for quite a while. but my mom still has a teeny bit of a Pittsburgh accent. >

Ripple
February 2nd, 2008, 12:18 PM
I am doing it......

I'm right here again for ya! This hole fucking sobriety thing, don't let it fool you...SUCKS! Look at it this way, WE have to be responsible for ourselves, i cannot pound that into my head enough times! You are posting, so you are aware, people are responding, so someone cares. There is help, its working for me even though it SUCKS. But ya know what, I will stay strong, my inner self is really a person of strength, that I am proud of.

Pm me anytime~
Luv Ripple~
:h

Noelle
February 2nd, 2008, 05:56 PM
Dexter, we've only lived here for 11 years. If you weren't born here, the people can a bit standoffish. They don't know the wonderful personality I have and don't know what they are missing!!!! LOL

Maddie
February 14th, 2008, 08:57 AM
Noelle, I hope this helps


Noelle;263597 wrote: I can't tell you how many times I've quit drinking. Rehab three times. Etc., etc. etc.. I've been here before. Got the CDs but stopped with an excuse. I just ordered the Kudzu. I can't wait to drink, around 5pm. My daughter doesn't like what I do because she wants to unload her feelings to me and I don't remember them the next day. Like duh! What kind of asshole am I?

I've tried AA.........it's a cult to me, ick. Jeesh, I want to type a lot but I'm so freaked I don't even feel like it.

I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

Hopefully when the Kudzu arrives and I start to relistening to the CDs, things will be better. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm not. It's just so much easier to just give up and drink. I have a lot of stresses at home, but I know they are just excuses. Three rehabs taught me that, but I still resist.

I've read all the positive remarks y'all say to others and I'm not even sure they would make me feel any different. What the hell is wrong with me???????????? Okay, don't answer that. I feel like I'm the round peg in the square hole.

Okay, enough for now, I could write a book............

Thanks for reading..........

Oh, BTW, I'm really good at helping others because of all of my experience in rehabs, but am unable to help myself. Whateverr...............

Sorry that I don't sound so urgent,,,,,,,,,,I'm 56 and have learned to control the emotions.
Noelle, one of the key's to freeing the body of the desire to drink is disengaging the links and triggers, the best way i know how to do this is via holelistic healing, see below copies of two of my earlier posts, they may help.

1 - it's been my experience that going to see a kinesiologist can really help balance the body to the side effects of medication. Kinesiology if your unfamiliar with the practice is defined as - a system of natural health care which combines muscle monitoring with the principles of Chinese medicine to assess energy and body function, applying a range of gentle yet powerful healing techniques to improve health, wellbeing and vitality.

It's very effective in both healing the body, including dealing with the cravings and desire for drinking. I've done the Kinesiology course only recently, i thought it would teach me to heal myself which it is - this is my experience - I started Topa 3 days ago, 25mg x 2 days and now 25mg this morning and again tonight. AF day one, drank day 2 not really because I felt like it but had a friend from interstate and it would have been strange not too as we normally do, not that I?m using that as an excuse, for a change we only had two glasses of wine. Today day 3, AF. I?m using kinesiology to balance my body to reduce the effects of the topa, so far so good, it's working.. It?s just a few simple 1-2 minute exercises repeated a few times during the day.. Any one can do it. I learnt it over a few weekends.. The course is called Touch for Health. I would be in a very different position without this tool. For people just looking for the benefits without the learning look up your local kinesiologist. As well as make you feel better, more balanced and yourself, they will help you get to the heart of why you drink in the first place.
PS - i will share something very personal with you, my mother was a drug addict for 7 years, Heroin. She tried to stop but will power and meds were not enough. It was through a combination of regular visits to a kinesiologist and medication that she gave it up, a two year process but now 10 years later she herself is a kinesiologiest and lives a completely different life.. she was 45 at the time and is now 55.

Sorry i can't find the second but i will give you a summary - an imbalance of blood sugar levels cause cravings which lead to an increased desire for drinking. By reducing sugars and carbs (breads, pastas etc) you avoid the blood sugar level ups and downs. My maintaining more balance the desire to drink is easier to control. This is information supplied by my doctor and it really works.

Thoughts are with you.

Maddie