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LibraSquared
April 24th, 2008, 01:34 PM
:new:
I love my husband very much. He has been a daily drinker for decades, prior to me. He is aware that he has a fatty liver and 6 months ago was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. We are both alcoholics, though he is more entrenched than I.

Prior to his recent diagnosis, we had been discussing the concept of moderating our drinking ? mostly at my instigation. I had become disgusted with the waste of our lives, our slug-like behaviors, the neglect that took place in our lives due to our constant drinking.

So, when the Dr told him he would die horribly, develop man tits, turn yellow, get a distended stomach, it scared him enough to stop ? cold turkey. And I chose to stop with him ? both to support him and to gain control back from my/our life.

Though a difficult, angry beginning (for him), we actually (both of us I thought), grew to NOT need the daily drink, to enjoy NOT being impaired, and became more productive with our time. There were times I felt out of place ? at parties and such? but those times were minimal.

Well, the fear has worn off now, 3 months later. Initially it was ?because? his daughter (20yr ? long distance away), tried to hurt herself and was sent to a Pysch Ward for crisis intervention. Yes, a horrible, upsetting, emotional disturbance, but also an excuse.

Since then, he has rapidly escalated back to his daily after work drinking habits ? which, by the way, include lying about it, the money, minimizing it, being defensive about it etc. The lying upsets me more than the drinking.

I have told him that I don?t like him when he?s drinking and I am not? that we?re not on the same page, that stupid things come out of his mouth. No, he is not abusive or an angry drunk? more needy and clingy and insecure.

I, knowingly, stupidly, in a retaliation mind-set, have begun to drink at home, after work now too. Knowingly the wrong choice. And do so angrily, riddled with resentment.

I expect the daily lies now? or omissions ? which equate to the same thing for me. This from the man that tells me the blow by blows of his life ? except for that conspicuous multi-hour time period after work before coming home. I have told him that his lying to me is damaging the very foundation of our relationship. He has no need to lie. If he chooses to drink ? then that is his choice. He does not need to lie about who and what he is. No, of course I will not be happy about it, but it is HIS choice to make.

He tells me he will slow down, stop etc? in the evenings when I am angry? and sometimes in the mornings before he leaves, but by the afternoon, those ?promises? obviously wear off.
I feel like I am losing him, and our relationship is now falling apart. I told him I wished we had never stopped drinking, then this would not now be happening.

I know that for myself, I need to stop drinking and not use his weakness as justification. But I do NOT like him drunk when I?m sober.

I do not know how to modify my behavior to 1) tolerate him inebriated 2) not show or express my nightly resentment 3) not enable him or condone his behavior. I don?t know how to be friendly to him when I?m so pissed off?

Any suggestions would be so very appreciated. I want to salvage this relationship, and hope to eventually look forward to a happy, HEALTHY, long life with this man.

Cinders
April 24th, 2008, 10:07 PM
LIbraSquared,

WOW. This is a very challenging post. I, personally, am not sure I am up to responding well for you and giving advice. However, I do truly want you to know I care and will do anything I can to help you.

I am in a one-sided drinking relationship, my husband does not drink, and when I went to rehab, abstained for a short period and then relapsed, I did get to lying and hiding it, etc. Something I had never done before. It was horrible and really eroded trust in our relationship. So I understand that piece of it.

In my case, one day I woke up trembling, shaking, having blacked the previous night and went to breakfast with my husband and our beautiful 5 year old granddaughter, who was looking at me with that unconditional love children have and happy and smiling.

As I sat there with the coffee cup trembling in my hand, I realized, I simply could not go on the way I was. I was killing myself, I was denying my children and grandchildren the person they all love and need and I was unhappy. I heard that "click" and realized I would actually be happier without alcohol than with. I would be free.

So I went to short term detox and started taking Antabuse before I even walked out the door.

I have told this story many times but I tell it once again.

This is what it took to get me sober.

I hope this helps in some small way and I pray that others who are in a similar situation to you read your post and can give you some advice to help you. I mean you. Remember, you can get sober for only one reason, and that is yourself.

After I was sober, I sat there and watched my daughter drinking herself to death. She is in the same physical condition as your husband. Only worse. She is 26.

I realized I could do NOTHING to help her. Not one thing. I could only suggest and offer love and support.

I prayed the Serenity prayer many times a day. Many times.

She is now in rehab and told me last night on the phone, "Mom, drinking one drink is simply not an option for me because I WILL die." My heart filled with gladness and hope. Yes, I know she may relapse in the future, just like your hubby, and all I can do if that happens is pray the Serenity prayer so I do not relapse and offer love and support.

As a mother, I would take a bullet for her, I would die for her to live. But I cannot let her problem give me cause to relapse. My sobriety is the most important thing because without my sobriety, I cannot be there to give her love and support.

Much hope you can find your way to sobriety and truly be there to give your love and support to your husband.

Cindi

Determinatrix
April 26th, 2008, 01:56 PM
Libra2, Please know that even tho only a few have responded to your post there is so much support here. Cindi responded so succinctly.
Keep posting and let us know how things are.

Dx

Captnjack
April 27th, 2008, 03:56 AM
Hi libra I am you you have described my relationship with my partener perfectly. First you are not alone.I too am trying to give up but she still drinks her Bottle and a bit every night.I managed to get to the 2nd day AL free and say fuck it. I just cannot relate to her when I am sober and she is drunk like you said "just not on the same page". I too am worried about our FUTURE. Seriously we have had the big talk and we agree the only logical thing is to STOP drinking. Its that simple that is the answer to our dilemma. She wants to go to a counseller and I am going as I will do anything to get out of this living hell. I know its no great revalation but that is our solution we need to stop drinking and start living a sober life easier said than done I know but the way out is staring us in the face so we at least can see the end point solution. Luv Captn

Frankly
April 28th, 2008, 12:24 PM
As a new member I should probably leave this one alone but I'm wondering why you posted this in the Family Members section.

I know you think it has to do with your husband's drinking but I would think right now you should concentrate on your drinking and how to stop. In my lifetime I have found that if I can't help myself then I can't help anyone.

I am not the drinker but the enabler. Almost as bad, maybe even worse than the alcoholics in my life. I have not been healthy enough to truly help them.

time2change
May 1st, 2008, 10:18 PM
I truly believe that no matter what your husband does if you think you have a problem than you have to do whatever it takes for yourself. Why do you feel that you want to learn how to deal with his problem It is clear that you can not be happy with him drinking. You need to be really selfish and help yourself. Only when you have yourself healthy and strong can you make the decisions you will need to. Be good to yourself and fight your battle for yourself.

Evie.Lou
June 7th, 2008, 09:46 AM
Well said by the others,,,,now For my 2 cents worth...I believe that there is power in numbers.There are a huge number of people here that have figured out how to beat the beast so I figure that you are very wise to hang around where we have AL out numbered....There is also the power that you could find in the 2 of you recovering together(RIGHT)?????AL causes us to became a different person so i wonder if it is really your husband that you do not like or AL...My guess would be that it is AL...Can the 2 of you sit down and make a plan to get yourselves out of this Trap ???? If you get the tools and make a plan I believe that with the support of this group,you can both have a joyful life again.Trust me,there is life after alcoholism...I am living proof...LOL..EVIE

maddiva
October 20th, 2008, 03:40 AM
OH DEAR

I read your thread and send you good wishes. I find this site most helpful and I hope you get the same as I am getting from it. Who am I to lecture. My heart goes out to yourself and your husband. I contracted hepatitis b and c many years before alcohol was my issue. Substance abuse/misuse caused this. At the time of my diagnosis I did not drink alcohol too much and really tried to live a clean life. Amazingly my body produced the anti-bodies (which if there are any unbelievers it can be proved!!) However, if I did drink alcohol on a night out (I was quite civilized at this point) I could not move off the couch as the alcohol really affected my body and my liver told me. So I stopped and started to take milk thistle (which you should research). And became an uber health freak. Part of my obsessive nature, I guess. Then when I started to get better, something triggered the drinking to excess and I drank and did so for 9 years heavily. Trouble is with alcohol and hepatitis is really it has to be a no-no. I know it is easier said than done but not impossible. Hepatits is a timebomb and coupled with alcohol and stress a dangerous scenario. Try and find someone you can talk to with your husband. Read books on alcohol and the liver. Search the internet and find website that shows people in end stage liver disease. Eventually, if this does not work. What inevitably will happen is a wake up call. So take it very easy, don't be too hard on yourself, life can do that!!! A positive mental attitude can help, but is so hard to achieve when everything is stacked against you. Good luck:welcome::welcome:[/I]