View Full Version : marriage falling apart

Princess Fiona
May 1st, 2008, 07:42 AM
I only started drinking in my late 20's, I got divorced when I was 30, started drinking more, got re married at 38, to a wonderful man, who only drinks socially, as his father was an alcoholic. We have had alot of problems with T's ex wife and his daughter, they have treated me abmominably, T and I argue as he protects his daughter, all she has ever wanted was to get her parents back together, she is now 19, she lies about me,lies about everything, so over the last few yrs my drinking escalated,sober or drunk, our arguments, and only arguments have been about his family and how I have been treated.
I joined MWO in Jan, did 48 days AF, stayed sober for 75 days, T was so proud of me, and again he allowed his daughter to put a spoke in our lives, this was nearly 2 months ago, our relationship has been up and down these last few weeks,I have been seeing a therapist since this started,which has helped me realize how I have reacted to situations, regarding his daughter, can be changed, we went for coffee a month ago, he tells me should call it quits, needless to say I turnd to the bottle, a few days later, he wants us to try,2 weeks ago, he went away on business, asked if we could have little contact with each other, so gave him his space, he came back last Mon, I showed him I was trying, still he told me he loved me, then last Wed, he moved out, he loves me, he wants me but.... I have not spoken to him in over a week, he mailed me on Tues and told me that alcohol, has and still is a huge part of our history, even although, I had been drinking again, not in front of him, he tells me that he needs the time away, and will contact me when he gets back , and we can sit and chat about what we have and have had.... All, I thought T ever wanted was for me to stop drinking..8 weeks ago he told me he has never been happier.Is this normal, has anyone else experienced a situation when they thought they were doing the right thing by quitting, thinking its going to help, and then all they care about, falls apart, this is destroying me, have cut back on my drinking, have only one or two, will stop again, psyching myself up, have got my meds, so Sat, is D day. T is back on Mon.
Sorry to have waffled on, just so confused and sad

May 1st, 2008, 10:17 AM
Fiona ~ I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. He really seems to be giving you mixed signals. But the one problem he keeps mentioning is the alcohol. Whether you drink around him or not, he can probably tell that you still have not given it up for good.

Whether he comes back or not, the drinking problem has to be dealt with. Do you really want to quit? Being sad because he left is understandable, but one of the reasons (if not the only reason) is the drinking. So do you see how drinking over this is not going to help get him back? Don't fool yourself into thinking that if he actually doesn't "see" you drinking that he can't tell.

Please get yourself out of this vicious cycle. You will feel much better if you do.

We are here for you. Best of luck to you.

Love, Me

May 1st, 2008, 09:02 PM

I too am sorry you are going through such a difficult time in your marriage. I can relate to this on a small scale. I would rate my marriage as doing very well right now, but I have also had messages sent to me that "if only I would stop drinking" that the marriage is fixed. What I have discovered, is that even when I am doing really well, I am reminded of the damage I have caused, the hurtful things I have said, and so it seems that they are very desperate for us to stop the drinking, as it is the source of a lot of pain for them. Problem is: when we stop drinking, it does not erase the past and the damage we may have caused. I think "they think" they can put it all behind once we stop, and although they are very proud of us, they are still left with their own wounds... make sense? This leaves them feeling confused as well to discover that once we stopped drinking, they are still hurting. Sadly, our drinking HAS caused a lot of damage to them, and stopping is definitely what we have to do as the first step to making amends, healing for ourselves, our marriages, etc. But stopping drinking is not an eraser. I am finding myself having to face things I have said, and give honest apologies, ask for forgiveness.... its tough.

It can be done though, and I think they subconsiously test us to see if we are genuine as well. Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight!

I wish you and your husband all the best,

May 1st, 2008, 09:03 PM
I have to agree with thankful. Although we don't know the details I think that you may be thinking he doesn't know yoiu are drinking, but I have to think he is more aware than you think. He keeps bringing it us so he must feel it is effecting the relationship or you in some negative way.

You both will be better off without alcohol. Of course, since I am not the expert on staying sober this is only advice. I will be thinking of you. stay strong

Princess Fiona
May 10th, 2008, 11:11 AM
Thank you all, I am on day 6 AF, I have apologized to T on numerous occasions, at this stage he wont even talk to me, ignores my messages, and if he responds by e-mail he is so ugly towards me, so yesterday I decided to walk away and not contact him and even with all this stress, I wont drink. Taking antabuse and vitamins, so feeling pretty good.
love Fiona

May 10th, 2008, 11:37 AM
You are doing the right thing. You must do this for yourself. You must put yourself first. i know that seems so easy to say, but unless you are sober and working on yourself you will never be able to be clear headed and rational when dealing with the relationship.
I too am in a failing (actually failed) marriage. i am here strictly for financial reasons, but have been drinking to deal with the lonliness and unhappiness. i finally decided that this is no way to live my life, so today i too am taking antabuse and am 12 days AF.
I am feeling better physically and mentally. I know that my marriage is over, but i also know that by working on me I will be able to deal with all of the decisions and emotions more rationally. I hop to never have to live through the first 7 days AF again. I truly hope to change my life thanks to this iste and all the support i get here. PM me if you need anything and congratulations on the 6 days.

June 10th, 2008, 06:50 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I could have written that post. My husband has one foot out the door. I have an appointment to start antibuse soon. I'm scared to death.

June 10th, 2008, 07:31 PM
Alcohol is a wicked thief.AL will steal everything that is good in your life(if you let him).There is so much support for you here on this site.People who have been in your shoes.We understand.I dont think that someone who is not alcoholic can ever understand the kind of HELL that we go thru trying to beat this BEAST...Use all the tools (book,meds.supps,etc)that are offered here and as a group we have AL out numbered.Stay close to this site and watch yourself start to heal.Then you can work on repairing your damaged relationship.Soberiety has to come FIRST !!!! Nothing can be more important than that.You can do this...I know that you can.We will help,i promise....Evie