reflections on where I'm at

[Guest]

Hi everyone,
This forum has a very good feeling and although its taking me a bit longer each day reading than I'd like, its worth every minute. thanks to you all.

Part of my reflections at the moment are around what am I trying to achieve. I know that I spent many years putting myself last before my kids and not allowing myself to grow - and there are varied reasons for this but I have to take responsibility for it myself.

I've just had visitors (an OLD school friend) and I have a complicated relationship with this girlfriend of mine, but we have known each other so long we keep trying. When we were at school we were very very close and spent our gap year together. Part of our problem is that we (well at least I do) try to recapture what we had, rather than trying to find something new and that really complicates our relationship.

I think its the same with alcahol. Initially I thought, I'd like to go back (note BACK) to being able to just have a few drinks and then stopping. But the thought of going back is not the right one.. because that takes me back to the beginning of this slippery slope. I have to go forward and find a new relationship with alcahol and also with myself.

This forces me to address issues within me - particularly my willingness to run from emotion and also to not trust those around me to help me when I'm struggling. At the core of this, I think is relearning a new reality about my own self worth which I'm finding quite exhausting right now....

These are all deep seated issues which I find very confronting and ironically think a few drinks may help me address them better!!!!, however, that would be to go back and I'm not going to do that.

Thats me for today.
Brigid

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Hey there Brigid,
This is really a wonderful site, glad to meet ya. I kinda feel like the past few weeks, it's my new life line. It's so good to be able to communicate w/ other people, that know what you're

going thru. I think I might be Bi-polar, Try-polar , or just plain "Nada" Polar...Don't know if it's from all of the alcohol
I"ve ingested (rigorously) since High School , or before. It's so wierd I go from "Miss Energy ", full blown wonder woman... to "I can't deal w/ life on life's terms. I'm thinking of getting some migrain medicine, When I get one if those headaches, it takes over my whole life....Very frustrating. Possibly hormonal (seems to coincide w/ my cycle. But Ive tried the "pill" before & it really tweaked me.) Maybe it's just old age...I never used to be so -----sensitive.! I really thought my headache would go away when Scott left for work this mornin!! LOL...God I'm such a brat, Guess somebody;s gotta do it !! Peace &Hugs, Judie

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Can relate - I think?

I have recently questioned why I drink, and drink to excess and why it controls my daily life. I found that a lot of the people on this site are talking about the medication etc. which is all good ( I am not able to take the medication)so I can't relate so much there. I suppose I question, why did I start drinking like this, when did I start drinking like this and is it ever going to be able to be controlled, if ever, maybe it requires complete abstinence? But it is like a best friend you can't just dump it like that, cause you still want to see them. Does that make any sense at all to you. I don't know, just thought maybe if I could work out why, the when wouldn't matter and I could work towards being in control with more clarity and it wouldn't control me.

Trish

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Re: Can relate - I think?

Trish,
I was reading some of the addiction articles on Dr. Phils website after I heard about the alcoholic who was on the program the other day. One of the first links on his site was the seven steps to overcoming addiction and number one is Acknowledge the purpose of your drinking. I found this helpful. www.drphil.com/articles/article/173

I think my drinking was centered around self-esteem and anxiety issues. The more I think about the self-esteem issue, I wonder why I thought drinking would help me. I've lost half my friends because I was drunk all the time. I've been sober now for 17 days and I've talked to one of my friends more in the past week than I have in six months.

Marcie

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Re: Can relate - I think?

Wow Marcie 17 days! Did you every think you could do it? We are all so proud of you!

Trish....may I ask why you can't take medication?

-Nina

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Re: Can relate - I think?

Thanks Nina!

I wasn't sure if I'd make it this far, but this is only the beginning. 17 days doesn't seem so far, but one day at a time right.....



Trish, I am not taking meds either because of medical issues.


Marcie

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Re: Can relate - I think?

I like this discussion....
there are so many why's,
some times they are as simple as genetic predisposition.
then complicated by, and FEULED by all kinds of hard bumps in life's roads, patterns we create, merry-go-rounds we find ourselves on..... and wonder how the hell did I get here??

For me drinking was a way to let my reckless wild woman out. The creative, connected, flowing, daring, sexy side. For a person who spent her life being a "perfect" little girl, following and surpassing all rules, over-acheiving all goals and always having her reigns in tight!(outwardly) ... there must have been an imbalance. It would probably be a huge step for me to realize that my true nature already is warm and sexy and connected and somehow? wild, and find a way to let my reckless creative side go flowing without any need for alcohol. I am thinking about taking up dancing, or surfing and I just started piano lessons. what do you think?
Piano may not be reckless enough. LOL.

The other thing , for me is that alcohol was like "MOM" to me,..... whenever I was so overwhelmed and almost at a cracking point (and of course wasnt going to admit it to anyone) alcohol was like: "let me just take care of that for you dear......... you just take a load off and relax!... "there, there, now.....you just go to sleep!" Ahhhhhhh! isnt that nice??? And it worked ! For a couple hours, then it was hell all over again. Round and round.

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Dr.Phil

Thanx for the website, I will definately get on there and hopefully will get some more answers.

Will get back to you and let youi know how I went!!!!

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

Medication

I just have an extremely low tolerance for most medications - I cant even take Panadeine forte without it knocking me for six. I tried a similar medication for smoking cessation but continually threw up so I can't imagine what toimax would do to me. So I will have to dig deep and do it with inner strength ??? And maybe a lot of support from you guys?????

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

"Hows That working for you?"

So how is that working for you, what are you doing to remain sober and are you going for complete abstinence or just trying to control it.

Trish

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

I can "so" Relate

I can so relate to the perfect childhood expectations scenario. I think it is a matter of going back to the beginning and finding other things to replace the alcohol. Like dancing - I love dancing but once you have a family and with everyday life you forget to entertain the idea, it's just easier to have a drink than get out there and try to do something for you to realease that creative side. Bourbon was my "MOM" that was just who you turn to when life happenend.

This discussion started to open up a lot of old memories for me. I think the alcohol seems to numb it so you don't have to think about it???

[Guest]

reflections on where I'm at

reflections on where I'm at

Hi Curious.

I'm right with you on thinking that if I can find the reasons (plural intended) that I drink then I can solve its hold over me. I do think that if I dont change some of my perceptions and reality then it will come back to haunt me once more.

Im not doing meds and I find that abstinence is manageable for me. This has given me the time and space and clarity to start trying to figure out other things that need figuring out while I'm sober to protect me in the future.

I can relate to so many stories about why I drink, the mom ahh there you will be ok is one, another is just running from emotions.. or just being tired, or just cos its there. The self esteem issue is more complicated for me, because on the one hand I am a success is many areas of my life.

My younger son said something to me last night which struck a cord with me. He said, mum, its like I have two halves in me, one is the good side and one is really bad - he used very emotive terms to describe them.. and I thought, thats really part of the human condition.. so if we all have it, how do we deal with that bad side. For me, I hide and neglect it and drown it.. perhaps I need to embrase some of its positive qualities so that it doesent become all encompassing. If I get to know it, then it cant surprise me and take me over.

However, I'm finding that getting to know it is very exhausting, complex, tiring and scarey.

Brigid