Sunday 5 Oct

[on my way]

Good morning abbers.

Had an interesting day yesterday. (That?s what I say when my day really stinks). Found out one of our teen girls has been purging. It?s a total WTF moment for me. We have always promoted good health here. Husband has always slammed thin women?says they look sick, ugly, death like?I could go on.
I do not understand why she would do this. She is in good shape. (not chubby at all) Her self esteem is decent?.(Something I have always been aware of since mine is generally in the toilet) There is no home pressure on her to be thin. So it boils down to school. I can?t get why she would be under so much pressure from school mates to be thin. She has always promoted herself as somewhat of a rebel, do it her way, not going to follow the typical teen girl crap.

So any suggestions?? She?s unaware we know about the problem. I don?t know if I should try and bust her in the act or just confront her about it. God, I feel so guilty, been so wrapped up in my own problems. I should have been watching her more closely.

WIP?if you read this could you give me some insight?.think this may be up your work alley.

Here is a perfect example of ?boy I?d like a drink??.but it would certainly make the situation worse.

[Janice]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW, Afraid I've no experience in this department but I am sorry and am sending you a big hug.:l At our age, if its not our children, its our parents that are a worry but you won't be able to give her the support that she needs if you don't look after yourself. This is one of those times when AL will put you to the test...........I know. Be strong, look after yourself and you'll cope with whatever life throws at you so much better than if you took that drink.

love and best wishes to you and your family

Janicexxx

[retteacher]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW: I spent my whole adult life in high school as a teacher. I know only too well the pressures there. It's a jungle for many kids...that's no exaggeration. I do think you will have to bring this out in the open & discuss it w/her. You'll have to be calm & supportive. If this is a new behavior, you must nip it in the bud, as it can become an addiction just like anything else can. Using the internet, make yourself more educated about this. Try to find out what precipitated this (friend doing it, break-up w/boyfriend, etc.), but don't grill her.

Together, the 3 (husb included) of you can come up w/a plan of action. Perhaps, she'd like:
-someone outside the family to talk to.
-you to bring in some really healthy foods just for her...her stash so to speak.
-some strategy for her to break the tension when she feels tempted.
Brainstorm w/her.

Teen girls do this behavior the same way we use AL to break the tension & stress. You don't have to reveal anything about your AL problem, but share some of your strategies that you've learned in giving up AL. She might find a kindred spirit in you.

I'm going out for some errands right now, but I'll check in later w/anything else I can think of while I'm out. I'll give it some serious thought. As for you:
-DON'T DRINK!
-Don't awfulize...you & she can get through this & be stronger for it.

Stay strong, Mary

[A Work in Progress]

Sunday 5 Oct

Oh, lord, OMW, so sorry to hear this. Mary has good advice and insights. Sorry to say that eating disorders is not not one of my areas of specialization. But I totally agree with Mary that you need to find a way to talk with her about this, sooner rather than later. Even if the way you discovered this will lead to an accusation that you "snooped" or invaded her privacy, you can't let that become the big issue here (and she will try to turn it into that! just like an alcoholic would, right?). Being direct, and keeping things out in the open is ALWAYS the way to go... make whatever apology you might feel is appropriate, but also be clear that this stuff will NOT be something she has a right to keep secret, because it threatens her well-being, and ultimately her life, and you as her parents will be treating this as such, just as you would if she were using drugs, or seriously depressed, etc.

best wishes and keep us posted, OK?

wip

[Cinders]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW,

Wow. As usual our Mary gives incredible advice!! I am hoping you and your girl can discuss this without making her feel attacked. Try to stay calm and follow Mary's advice. My thoughts are with you. I know very well how much these things can worry us moms. (and dads)

Janice, Mary, Det and all to come, Have a wonderful AF Sunday. I sure do love watching the football games sober because I actually remember the entire game!! and tonight I am making a super easy meal from a Rachel Rae show that sounded very yummy but can be thrown together in 30 minutes. So, keeping the stress down today but still able to have the entire clan over. Let's see, hubby, me (2), daughter and family (5), son and family (4), 11 of us!! 5 of which are kids. My house on Sunday is a study in laughter, noise, running around and grown ups acting like kids, too. I love it.

btw, my daughter is pregnant. She is also staying AF and doing very well with it. It is good to have her back.

Next year at this time there will be 12 on Sundays.

I feel truly blessed.

Love,
Cindi

[greeneyes]

Sunday 5 Oct

My neice experienced that when she was in early 20s. It is a dangerous issue. I agree with Mary that you must nip it in the bud. Neice finally had to go to rehab in Baltimore for 3 months, but did so willingly. At that time she looked like a skeleton. She overcame it and was on antidepressants for a few years and AF for a while as that was an issue too (no cut-off button). After about 5 years, she was fine. I think the earlier the intervention, the better

[charlee]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW
Hope you take something away from today's thread regarding your daughter.....Can't add to it, lots of great advice. Please keep us posted..
Janice, so true..if its not the kids its the parents....it's always going to be something, we all really need to put ourselves and sobriety first....not always an easy thing to do.....
Good to hear from everyone today, enjoy your Sunday...............Going to check out the football TV schedule!!

[on my way]

Sunday 5 Oct

Thank you all for good advice. We spoke to her a bit ago, of course she denied everything. Sadly her mother is the queen of denial and manipulation, so I did not buy it. I am going to call the Psyc tomorrow morning and pow wow with her.
This behavior is relatively new so hopefully we can nip it before it gets out of hand. I think she has lost 15 pounds but she still looks pretty healthy. BTW, it was her BF that ratted her out, although hubby had some suspicions. Where the heck was I??? Again, thanks all?. And thanks Mary, you?re very wise.

nat

[retteacher]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW: Thank God you spoke up. Denial is an incredible tool we use to shut probs out.

A few additional thoughts: You might want to ask about binging. Have you seen pkgs of chips or cookies go missing? This prob tends to be progressive (like most addictions), & the rituals around it become addictive too. Also, this is your daughter's way of coping w/pressure & of course, manipulating her body image. Good for the bf for telling! He must really care.

Cindi: Congrats! A new baby...how wonderful. I'm so happy for you.

Love to you all, Mary

[cowgal]

Sunday 5 Oct

WONDERFUL!

I was a little upset about the thread when I first saw it, had anorexia when a teenager, no binging, but that was bad enough...........it IS a control thing, all of my life was spiralling out of control at that age, BF got (what I thought was) best friend pregnant, tried drugs and AL, but didn't click, was about 95 pounds at one point.................still "always think I am fat", but have accepted that I am meant to have some "meat on my bones" now....................Good advice all around, a therapist helped, but gaining friends etc. was the big thing..............family life for me was not so supportive.:upset::upset:

Great Cindi, I am so glad to hear you doing so well!!

Everyone else, have a great Sunday, I, too will be watching the Steelers tonight! The Hurricanes (my college team) lost, so yesterday was a BUMMER in that respect!

Going on 30 days, 10/8 will do it!! I KNOW I will be celebrating a year on 9/8/09 too, what a GREAT feeling!!

lots of love to all you guys,:l:h:l

MA

[on my way]

Sunday 5 Oct

Mary Anne,

I am so sorry for your experience with the eating disorder. Sure sounds like life then was pretty unhappy for you. Much better now though! If you have any insight, please share it with me. I understand the pressure kids are under to be slim and I love my daughter, I will do anything to make her happy.
I never heard how the job went, Hope well! Can?t wait for your 30 day party on 10-8. I will bring the lemon bundt cake. (ak girl's recipe)

Mary, if she has been binging, she is doing a great job of hiding it. I buy the food and I take out the trash, if you know what I mean. Funny, with the size family we have, if one kid thinks they have been slighted in the food dept. BIG STINK!!
I will give the BF a lot of credit in the guts dept. He is leery of me; guess I wield a lot of power in his eyes. hahaha. But I think I like this kid.

Thanks for all the support, nat

[Sheepish]

Sunday 5 Oct

Dear On My Way
Forgive me for butting my nose in here- I read this thread occasionally and saw you posted about you and daughters your situation. If you don't mind- I will share my experience. I had an eating disorder (bulimia) that began when I was 17. It initially began (or so I thought) out of my desire to be thin. (Or thinner because at the time I was a size 6 and somehow that wasn't good enough. Youth is truly wasted on the young.) This went on for several years and I landed in an in patient eating disorder treatment program where I spent two months.

Marry Anne is SO right on the money- at least in my case. It really IS NOT ABOUT THE FOOD. It is about control. Feeling that I had no control over anything in my life, whether it was school, parents, friends or the fact that I was going to need to leave it all and go to college soon. It is a very complicated disease, one that I believe must be dealt with by a neutral professional. (no matter how much you care- you are part of the dynamic that is part of the problem- believe me) PLease Please PLease don't take that as a harsh assessment of you or your family. My parents were great- and it all happened anyway. If it is allowed to continue for a long time- purging will affect brain chemistry (seratonin) and can cause a downward spiral into depression, which causes more purging and so on...

I hope that you are able to find some help for your daughter even if she says she does not want it. (I sure didn't- I was the master at giving off the illusion of normal...)But I can say that therapy saved my life.

I wish you and your family all the best. Feel free to PM me if you would like
Sincerely
-Sheep

EDIT- OMW- I have no idea of course what your daughters situation is and don't mean to infer it as serious as requiring hospital, but agree with WIP it is always better to just try and deal with situation honestly and with sympathy. Take care.

[cassyyassy]

Sunday 5 Oct

Hi OMW.
I don't feel I have any thing helpful to add,so many wise words spoken, but would like to let you know I am thinking of you and wish you all the best in this difficult situation. I try and have faith that good will come from our hard times.
Casey

[louise]

Sunday 5 Oct

OMW _ I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I also was bulimic for about a year and a half. I somehow got out of it by myself, but don't recommend you hope for this. I had no idea of the medical consequences of purging - as your daughter may not. (Very serious, including death.) I also recommend professional help if at all possible. No matter how great you think your daughters self esteem is, there is some problem, which may "just" be from the cultural pressures on women to be thin, beautiful, sexy, etc. at that age, which are impossible to live up to. Burn all the teen magazines!!! (not that this will really help - just my irrate raving here)

[Pyes]

Sunday 5 Oct

I suffered with anorexia in my later teens. For me aswell it was a control thing ( or so I thought ) as eventually it controls you. Eventually we found out it was due to my parents divorce and my mums partying. I was really happy deep down when I was found out as I was scared to ask for help. I wish you all the best.
Pyes