Wow, I can't believe there are so many others out there who are as miserable as I am. Can I really tell my story? I've been living a lie for so long and have told so many versions of it, I'll have to actually think about what is real. I have been a problem drinker for only about 2 years but it's been out of control for a year. I got a DUI last summer and was court ordered to go to treatment. So I went to outpatient treatment - was first introduced to the 12 steps - and I drank almost every night. My whole thing was "I'll quit tomorrow". So,I figured AA was the answer. So I started attended AA meetings - which I hated from the beginning. I would sit and stare at those big-ass posters and wonder why I was there. I hated having to say that I was new and I HATED having to say I was an alcoholic - even though I probably am. But AA teaches you that it's the ONLY way. If you don't follow their "program" - you basically have 2 choices - jail or death. So I kept going - because I wanted to feel better. But I HATED those meetings. And when I talked about how unhappy I was - someone would always say to me "fake it until you make it". My mother used to say that and it always pissed me off. My boyfriend at the time (who was Irish and drank more than anyone I've ever known) thought he was being supportive but when I asked him to help me by removing the alcohol from his house - he suddenly realized how hard it was going to be to be with me - and he dumped me. That sent me into another tailspin so my next answer was - I'll get a sponsor and start working the steps - that will keep me sober. So, I got a sponsor - and kept drinking almost every night - wondering what the hell was wrong with me and hating myself even more. So, at this point, I'm lying to my sponsor every day about how well I'm doing, I'm hiding my drinking from everyone - because everyone knows I'm not supposed to be drinking. Living alone has its advantages - and its disadvantages, obviously. It really escalated in January of this year when it became obvious to my employer that I wasn't my usual kick-ass, brilliant, sharp, hard working self. I started coming in late and was quiet, distracted easily (hungover). My boss had a come-to-Jesus meeting with me and I finally admitted my problem - well, some of it. So - my answer to that was inpatient treatment - that will solve everything. So, I went into an in-house, inpatient treatment center for 21 days. I was force-fed Higher Power and all of the steps and was told REPEATEDLY that I was powerless and I had to turn everything over to God. When I questioned anything to my counselor - she would say "I know how to stay sober - and you don't - so, therefore, you need to do what I say if you want to stay sober". She kept telling me I would have to change everything in my life and told me that unless I went to a Clean and Sober house to live (because I live alone and there's no one to watch me) I would never make it. Well, I guess she was right because within 48 hours of leaving that facility, I was drunk. And absolutely despising myself and my life.
Now I'm living a total lie - still calling and lying to my sponsor (why do I have to be accountable to someone else?) and so depressed that my entire life I'll be relegated to dim church basements, listening to people drone on and on and wondering why God doesn't help me stay sober. I went to my sponsor's birthday party 2 weeks ago. Everyone there was in "recovery". ALL they talk about is recovery and the jokes are all about being alcoholics and they have their Clean and Sober dates stitched on jackets. I'm not saying anything against them because AA has obviously worked for them. I looked around and realized I was staring at my future - constantly in the company of people that will make me very aware that I'm an alcoholic. Needless to say, I drove home profoundly depressed. And just happened to pass my favorite liquor store on the way home.
It's this disgust and depression that drove me to this website. I had an epiphany this week. I really started thinking about why I'm so miserable. And it's the lying and the hiding and those damn meetings that I feel chained to and so guilty when I don't go. And that's when it hit me - maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe there are other ways to quit drinking - or at least control it. I didn't call my sponsor last night - and it felt good. It feels good to think that maybe I can do it myself - that I may just have the courage and inner resources to conquer this myself - and my future doesn't have to be in dim church basements.
I'm relieved. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I'm scared to hope because every day I tell myself - this will be the day that I really don't drink - and then, well you know.
Thanks for listening. Wow, it feels good to finally tell someone the truth - even if I don't know any of you.
Now I'm living a total lie - still calling and lying to my sponsor (why do I have to be accountable to someone else?) and so depressed that my entire life I'll be relegated to dim church basements, listening to people drone on and on and wondering why God doesn't help me stay sober. I went to my sponsor's birthday party 2 weeks ago. Everyone there was in "recovery". ALL they talk about is recovery and the jokes are all about being alcoholics and they have their Clean and Sober dates stitched on jackets. I'm not saying anything against them because AA has obviously worked for them. I looked around and realized I was staring at my future - constantly in the company of people that will make me very aware that I'm an alcoholic. Needless to say, I drove home profoundly depressed. And just happened to pass my favorite liquor store on the way home.
It's this disgust and depression that drove me to this website. I had an epiphany this week. I really started thinking about why I'm so miserable. And it's the lying and the hiding and those damn meetings that I feel chained to and so guilty when I don't go. And that's when it hit me - maybe I don't have to do that. Maybe there are other ways to quit drinking - or at least control it. I didn't call my sponsor last night - and it felt good. It feels good to think that maybe I can do it myself - that I may just have the courage and inner resources to conquer this myself - and my future doesn't have to be in dim church basements.
I'm relieved. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday. I'm scared to hope because every day I tell myself - this will be the day that I really don't drink - and then, well you know.
Thanks for listening. Wow, it feels good to finally tell someone the truth - even if I don't know any of you.
. I did meet some nice folks there tho... Just wish I could get them to check this out, ...& get out of their basements! 
zwink:
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