back home and checking in

[upnorthgirl]

Hey, everyone--left Friday early afternoon and now it is 10:30 PM on Monday here. While visiting my husband's family, we had almost a foot of fresh snowfall, so we did not go anwhere or do anything much. But one thing is for sure--I must buy a laptop with satellite connection because I felt so isolated from you all. there is no Internet connection there except dial up....

Hope everyone had a great weekend and Monday--came right here to post so I will need to do lots of reading to catch up...

PLUS, I HAVE MORE PLANS FOR THE NEST!

:upset: Bad news--I slipped up bad on Saturday night and feel stupid because there is no reason why--no triggers that I know of. Was actually having a great day. My husband and I visited friends in the morning, had massages and a late lunch, did a bit of shopping in town. We were supposed to have friends for dinner then go out dancing, so I picked up some wine and vodka--BIG mistake! Because of the snowstorm the friends did not come over and we did not go out and I started sneaking drinks --like my husband would not notice after several of them? We could have had a nice evening by ourselves, but i screwed it up by getting sloppy drunk. He is upset with me now.

I feel so STUPID and disappointed in myself, but am determined to make a go of it. Dumped everything down the drain--again--might as well flush money down the toilet.I got the Kudzu and GABA in the mail while we were gone, and I hqave purchased the L-Glut and vitamins. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I am just so sad that I blew it, and I am sorry for disappointing all of you. have not told my kids--maybe I won't this time even though I feel I should be honest. I feel like I should tell my therapist also, but I don't want to!

I really do not understand WHY I did that. Yeah, I was disappointed about the evening not working out as planned but still--that's a cruddy excuse. It was more of an "Oh, well, might as well drink...." and that was that. Then I spent all day yesterday and today trying to make it up to my husband.

So--today, Monday night, was the new day two---or 24out of 28 sober and dry. I am going to focus on the 24 and counting....accentuate the positive. But I still feel bad.

[me1455]

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wow... your post reminds me of myself.. so much.. my bf has the problem with me also when i get to drunk, and the way ou write and the guilt and trying to make it up to him etc, exactly how i feel.. your saying you dont know why you did it etc, but honey, u have to understand that our brains are different than their brains.. once we have alcohol in us, and more than a few, it is almost against our control.. it stinks though.. bc i get ridiculed and reprimanded and critized by everyone around me as well when i have those nights. my bf recently broke up with me over a night like that.. because i supposedly got and started a fight with him, im considered unfortunately to be an angry drunk. well we fight when we're sober, its not a good relationship but thats another issue. im telling u that ur brain is different and i know this, but i to feel the pain u feel. its so sad... i wish i had insurance to talk to a therapist about it! u seemed to have picked urself up quick though. keep up the good work.. if your husband doesnt understand alcoholism maybe get recent studies and literature on it describing that its not a WILLPOWER issue. well, of course we can be lucky and have willpower on some nights but eventually are gonna have those bad nights.. unless we take the kudzu or topamax or naltrexone in my opinion... look into the new meds they have out.. feel better.. i feel ur pain.. im depressed as hell right now since my bf broke up with me four days ago over one of those nights..

[Accountable for Me]

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Oh, honey, I am sorry that you feel sad about your drinking on Saturday. You have been doing remarkably well.

I messed up on Saturday and am still very angry with myself. I am just so sick and tired of letting myself down. Not to mention those who matter most in my life. I have never felt this disappointed really. I am hoping with all of my heart and soul that this will stick now. I have been on MWO for over 2 years and keep screwing up. I have had a great deal of sober time for sure since being here but, I just can't seem to get it to stick! I pray so hard that this is the last time.... I hate this. I know I can't drink and it makes a mess of my life so why do I still do it??? Am I really that much of a lost cause? I am thinking not; but I also know I am running out of chances here. This scares me.

In regards to your therapist; I would let him/her know. He/she is to help you.... this is a part of you. I am not sure about telling your kids though. I know honesty is the best thing for sure; but when it comes to kids they can be very disappointed and this will make you feel worse. You will know what is best; whatever you decide.

Hang in there.

Me1455, hang in there too.

[Accountable for Me]

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and... Me1455, so sorry about the end of your relationship. That has to be tough. I can't even tell you how many of mine ended because of AL. ALL OF THEM! Every single man I have ever been in a relationship ALL ended because of my issues with AL. (and there was one who was an alcoholic right along with me.)

Al is a nightmare. I can't even tell you how many friendships have dwindled away because of AL in my life. Not to mention how it has affected my eldest child and will affect my youngest if I don't get my shit together.

I wish so much that they still sold Antabuse in Canada. I haven't been able to get a prescription for over a year now, here.

We need to dig deep within our souls and find the strength to get this AL out of our lives.

Hugs to you.

[Aussie Chick]

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Hey Upnorthgirl, nice to have you back, shame about the slip up but you are really beating yourself up too much, wish your husband wasn't so cross either - he needs to support you load not spend days being angry when you slip. You don't need added pressure - you heap enough of that on yourself anyway!

Just get stuck into all the meds and sups, put it behind you and start again - that's all you can do.

Take care.
AC x x

[witchywoman]

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hay UNG & A4M, it still seem to me like you are both forgetting that you are human & do make mistakes but an important thing to remeber is that you have told us, if you wernt commited to taking back control you wouldnt tell us about it, you are holding yourselves accountable, that tells me you really want it,
good luck
mel1455, sucks about your BF, but if as you said its not a good relationship, maybe this is your new begining. luck to you also.

[upnorthgirl]

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Thanks, I am feeling better this morning. For the record, my husband is a really good guy, I think he is just disappointed in me right now. His "anger" is not really classified as anger compared to the rest of the world. Seriously, he is the most patient and kind person I know and rarely, if ever, raises his voice and is most forgiving. (I am the one with the short temper and the yelling)

But I know, A4Me, what you mean about friends ditching you. It has happened to me so often and I am so grateful for the ones who have stuck around. The other, well, some I miss and some I don't and some just piss me off. Especially the ones who had their share of troubles and I stood by them.

A4Me, can't you order Antabuse online and have it mailed to you? Or does Canada prohibit it from being mailed? heck, girl, I can send some to you! Not that I have it yet, but I am going to get it.

Hey, ME1455, hang in there and let's do this together. Let's not beat ourselves up any more--I am sooo good at that. And yes, I will talk to my shrink about it. maybe she can figure out what happened.:thanks:

[j-vo]

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Upnorth,
He just cares deeply for you and wants the best for you. My husband is the same. He would get so upset with me when I'd drink. He's so different now, not anxious about "when I might drink . . ." So we're lucky we have ones that love us that much and don't want to see us lose out on life.

Pick yourself up and start anew. Everyday is new. Good luck.

[notevergivingup]

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Hey upnorthgirl,

I caved in on Saturday too, went 21 days this last time around, very happy with that, I think I figured out my trigger, cleaning! lol, but really the last 2 times I caved was 1. when I was putting up the Christmas decorations which takes all day, 2. when I took everything down, which also takes all day and now 3. spring cleaning, which again took all day. Will have to remember next time I plan on cleaning all day to have ice cream on hand.

Don't beat yourself up you are doing great, just a minor slip no biggie, pick yourself up and start again, that is all we can do!

Twosox

[Blanchieboo]

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Hey upnorth.... I did the same thing this weekend. I know that feeling of guilt and dissapointment. You have been doing so well, so focus on the 24 AF days. That is amazing! Just dust yourself off and chalk it up to a learning experience and move forward. You are an inspiration!