:upset: In need of some encouragement

[johnnyh]

Hi everyone.

Once again not been able to check in for a couple of days. I usually check by at work (as I don't really have internet at home).

How has it been going? Well it's been a struggle pretty much for the past week and a half or two. Don't ask why cause I dont' know. It's been 48 days since my last drop of AL and I guess I should be thankful and more than positive.

As many of you will know that same has been the case since the beginning of December. But the last 2 weeks? I don't know. Guess the "honeymoon" Periode of being AF is over, the constant high of running around sober has worn off and I am starting having to face that life is still difficult and hardly a stroll even though one is sober. Basically every single problem I had blamed on Alcohol and I am slowly waking up to the reality that not all problems are gone just because I stopped drinking

I still feel that I am not all the husband I want to be and not the best dad I can be.

Yes. Things are a lot better. But I am still unpatient. I am irritable at times (which previously I had thought was only due to either being drunk or hungover) and I feel that I have replaced the bad habit of drinking with a whole host of other bad habits. The AL cravings also seem to be appearing more frequently again than they had and some times I wonder why I am still doing this and am not just having a good time like everybody else.

Even worse, for some reason and I do not know why, I have stopped taking the Antabuse about 5 or so days or so. (meaning that theoretically slowly but surely I would be able to drink again from a medical point). I actually had a slice of cake yesterday that by mistake had contained a tiny bit of AL and I did not have a Antabuse reaction.

Not having been able to come here for the last 2 weeks also hasn?t made things any easier or better.

Well?.. It comes down to this. I guess I have been a good sport for the last couple of weeks and must have seemed to be in good spirits permanently. Right now I guess I could do with a bit of encouragement?! I feel like I am about to hit rock bottom again.

Luv you all lots.

Johnny

[network]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Johnnyh, i can't offer you any advice cos i don't have any, but i completely agree with you. I just want to add, that after being AF for some period you realise that life is not much fun,thats why we drank.
I know, mostly bad stuff happens after drinking but at least SOMETHING is happening(i.e constant dramas).
P.S. If you feel like you gonna hit rock bottom, take antabuse.
P.S2 I'm sure i am gonna be misunderstood here again, i'm not saying that drinking is fun, i'm just saying that something always happens when we drink.

[gyco]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

hi J,im here, your doin great and the feelings youll even get in long term sobrety, a doctor i have been reading of late relates alchoholism that way, to the alergies ,like t b, do everything and rite and ten d to fall back into our old trates,a lot of people like you are taking drugs from here, and stop, the same affects as Al will have on you if you just quit, wthdrawl,not only from te boose but the meds double wammy you answered your own question maybe get back on the meds and get weened off good luck to gyco

[startingover]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Hey Johnny, I think that is fairly natural to feel like that especially early on. We all like to think all our problems could be blamed on alcohol, but the truth is that it just made them worse. Yes, now is the time the hard work begins. Creating a new life for yourself, with new interests, new hopes and dreams and actively working to pursue them. Try making a list of what your ideal life would contain. What would you do? How would you feel? Try to visualise that and begin to work towards it. Little steps, little changes to your routine. Reward yourself for small acomplishments. Above all write stuff down, write down when you feel like crap and why...it helps to see it there, it helps to get it out.
Stick around as much as you can, as you know, that is big help.
Good to see you again Johnny. Chin up buddy

[startingover]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

I am afraid I disagree with you netty, life can be fun sober, its a different type of fun, but life doesnt end when you put the bottle down

[network]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

startingover;530419 wrote: I am afraid I disagree with you netty, life can be fun sober, its a different type of fun, but life doesnt end when you put the bottle down

Startingover,
please read my post again, please!!!!! I never said it:thanks:

[healthypaw]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

I guess I would say that life is not easy. There is going to be stress that will affect your life, sometimes more than others. I, like you, use this stress as an excuse to drink. Being a good father and husband after years of drinking takes a lot of work. You just can't flip a switch and turn it on. ALcohol is one of your problems that you are facing, so now find ways to deal with the other ones. I am no expert since I just admitted that I am an alcoholic 5 days ago. You can do this, you have all the time in the world to become what you want to be. THis is a marathon-- a very long marathon not a sprint. Slow and steady!!!!!!!!

[New Day]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Johnny ---- I'm not one to give advice, but I can tell you we're all here to support you in your struggle. You're an amazing example to me ... going 48 days would be a wonderful achievement if I could do it. Gyco is probably right ... maybe ween yourself off the Antabuse instead of just stopping.... someone else here could probably help more with that... I've never taken Antabuse.

I'm sure your family is very happy about you being AF ... and even though you said you appeared to be in good spirits ... I think that's key ..... "fake it until you make it" .....and you will. From what I've read here most long term AF successes come with periods of real struggle at times. Stay strong and fight through it.

Keep posting and you'll gain the strength you need from not being alone. Everyone here understands the difficulty.

[startingover]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

network;530420 wrote: Startingover,
please read my post again, please!!!!! I never said it:thanks:

Ok netty, I got ya

[Seacailin]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

You are doing great Johnny. Be patient and gentle with yourself. It is not all pink clouds. Progress, not perfection.:l

[DeeBee]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Crumbs, your post could've been written by me a couple of months ago. I think the biggest shock for me was, like you say, all you problems don't just dissapear because you are now sober. In fact I had some horrible curve balls thrown at me and I remember venting here about it -- why it was so unfair for this to be happening to me now, when I was getting my life back on track. Someone very wise responded that it's happening to me now because now I can handle it.

Without the fuzzy haze that AL put's us in, life is not always rosey, but you are stronger and YOU CAN DO IT!!

Oh and on the fun factor -- I agree with Starts. Initially I would never have believed it possible but I find fun in doing the oddest most mundane things now.

Hang in there Johnny -- this will pass.

[sunshine_gg]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

So good to hear from you Johnnyh!

Well, then... let's see here.... your high of running around sober has worn off? Do you REALLY want a reminder of what came before the high??? And yep... there are still issues/problems to deal with - there always will be. Thankfully, now you can DEAL with them and not bury your head in a pillow (or toilet) and add to them by getting trashed every day.

I still feel that I am not all the husband I want to be and not the best dad I can be.

This, my friend, sounds like you are having very high (and possibly unreasonable) expectations of yourself. That, and stopping the Antabuse is setting yourself up for failure... big time. Setting your goals and expectations out of reach will always leave you with a sense of failure or inadequacy.

Starting made some great suggestions - write down how you see yourself as a dad, a husband - how you see your life now and how you'd like to see it ideally.

And definitely REWARD YOURSELF!!!! Dude... you've gone AF since DECEMBER LAST YEAR!!!! That's huge! That's awesome! You're my hero!

And please, try to stick around - helps you... helps us

[matthen]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Hi Johnny and All

Johnny, I have only one fast piece of advice, please take the antabuse.

I am glad you posted this thread because your thoughts are similar to mine. I am now sober 5 months and just getting through a period of wondering if it is worth it. I think I decided it is. I have begun to realize that I am unconsciously in the process of developing new coping skills; the type of skills a drunk like me never developed over all those years of drinking.

Some are so basic. Such as, I am learning to be more relaxed when in a group of people. I am just getting the hang of sitting back and listening to others talk without being internally frantic. I am beginning to challenge those attacks of anxiety; asking myself if these pangs of anxiety are about something real or not. Same with thoughts that aim to dump me into depression.

I also am beginning to realize that as a drunk I lived life on highs and lows. Always thought I should be UP and when I wasn't up tended to be DOWN. I am trying to live life more realistically. Finally, as a drunk I was developing fears about my liver, my heart, etc. I had them checked out and it is a big relief to know that I am OK.

I guess all this is to say that facing life sober is a learning experience which I would guess goes on for quite some time. I realize that I am now a work in progress.

For me, being sober helps ease feeling horrible every day, bad shame and constant anxieties, being down and feeling sick. Little by little I am recovering my balance and learning to think straight.

Stay with it Johnny, going back to the horrors of AL is just too high a price to pay for some passing high. God bless and good luck.

[lilmea]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

Johnny,
Just because we stopped drinking doesn't mean we are perfect. I may not be where I want to be but I'm am so much better than where I was.

I was reading an article about recovery and it said there are cycles when we are more prone to slips.
1 month, 3months,6months. I find the more I read about the recovery process the more prepared I am.

I think antabuse is a great tool. But it's only a tool not a magic pill. The decesion to take it or not is up to you. I think it's alittle scary that instead of counting AF days your counting days until the antabuse is out of your system making it "safe" to drink.

My worse day sober is better than my best day drunk. Come here often read the other post. As sunshine said. helps you-helps us.

[FallenAngel]

:upset: In need of some encouragement

johnnyh;530410 wrote: Guess the "honeymoon" Period of being AF is over, the constant high of running around sober has worn off and I am starting having to face that life is still difficult and hardly a stroll even though one is sober.
..... and some times I wonder why I am still doing this and am not just having a good time like everybody else.

Sounds a lot like how I was feeling at about 3 months into my sobriety quit.... like you said, the "honeymoon period" of being sober was over.... at that point in time all I wanted was a "vacation" from myself...I was so sick of being around the "sober" me... I wanted to somehow escape from myself, and of course we all know that AL does a fine job of that. What got me through this awful stage was remembering what I had learned from my smoking quit... I knew there were blocks of time when we get the big "f**k-it" syndrome & none of this hard work feels worth it... the only thing we can do, is to hang in there & KNOW that it will get better if we keep on, but for the present moment, we have to hold on tight to our determination and just let this part of our recovery take its own natural course. I tried not to think much about my emotions and feelings at that time, that only seemed to make it worse. So what I did was adopt a mantra, kept that playing through my mind over & over...when my mind would stray & I would start feeling down, I would hear in my head the old Jerry Jeff Walker song where he sang "keep on for keepin on". It may sound silly, but those few words are what got me through the hardest weeks of my quit. And then one day, several weeks later, it was like I walked out of a dark tunnel & into the sunlight.... suddenly I felt rejuvenated & full of life! It felt like a total transformation, and I was a total different person...embracing my sobriety & grateful that I had stuck to my quit to finally reap the rewards.
These hard times are worth it Johnny...nothing worthwhile is ever easy. My quit becomes more precious to me every day because of the effort I put into it.... there is not a better gift that I could give myself or those around me. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Be patient with yourself...be gentle... healing of the mind & body takes time, but it WILL happen. A wonderful way of life awaits you, learn to accept & embrace each step of your journey...this is what truly makes us "alive" and living in the moment.
You can do this Johnny... you have it in you...the answers you seek are already there....you just need to reach down deep & listen to who you really are... and what you truly want out of this life.