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[Lush]

This might be a depressing read but I have got to get this off my chest. I have been trying for years to stop drinking - often go for a few months before dropping off the wagon. Thing is, when I di it is big time, and that is the worst sort of drinking you can do. And it takes less to get me seriously drunk now. I stopped for nearly the whole of March, then started again, and was admitted to A+E with awful stomach pains. I know I have had alcohol poisoning in the past, but have always come out of it by drinking water and staying quiet. I have never had pain as a result. After blood tests, x-rays and scans the doctors thought they could see something 'not right' in my stomach and said they needed to operate urgently. So they did, found nothing and I was in Intensive Care for 3 days. I had acute alcohol poisoning and metabolic acidosis, the pains were (they concluded) a secondary result of that. The did not say it was the result of drinking but we know it must have been. I am so down and pissed off at myself, and now I have the pain of a healing scar to deal with, plus generalised pain in my tum (not like the one that saw me admitted). If there's anything anyone can say to cheer me up please do.

[DeeBee]

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Welcome Lush!!

I'm so pleased you finally found us! Welcome aboard.
What tools were you using previously when you went AF?
We are here to support you and help you figure this out, k.

[Lush]

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Tools

The tools I used were just me really. I went to AA a few times. I think I have been lying to myself for years. I have hurt people who love me, especially with the hospital episode, I'm deceitful and hate myself. I am encouraged by what I read - have only just discovered this forum - but I would quite like it all just to end. I wish I had died in hospital, but I don't have the strength or motivation to actually kill myself. And right now just thinking about wine is making me want to heave.

[Boss.man]

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Cheer up!

I get stomach pain when I over-binge, but I usually mix in so many pills the pharmacist would go nuts to figure out whether it was the booze or the pills.

So what's the source? Were you trying to hide from something? That's usually what gets me in a state. If I'm lucky I'm just a sleepy drunk so I pass out and wake up in the morning wtih a good long barf session (probably getting rid of the acidosus) and a three day headache.

[Boss.man]

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In my binge phases, I often think that there is no purpose in life. I think about what the easiest and least painful way to end my life. "I could jump in front a bus, but the bus might miss and then I'd have to be in the hospital for a week and they won't give me booze there..."

I've decided it's all just part of the AL psychology. The booze is warping my brain to it's own aims, and everything else gets shut out. When I'm AF, I get more interests and projects. They just happen. Suddenly I'm planning a new trip, and I learn of a special place to get a rare flower for my garden, or something like that. That's one of my "tools" to think every night, of all the good things I need to do in the morning to further my plans. Things that I couldn't do if I was drinking. Does that make sense?

[DeeBee]

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Lush, seriously, it is the AL who is devious and hurtful - NOT YOU!
You can change, you can stop drinking, you can be who you want to be.
Why don't you start by downloading the book "My Way Out"? It's a quick, easy read and it'll give you a clear idea of what the program is about, what tools you want to incorporate into your plan.
But most importantly logg on and post here every day! There are some great threads for you to join for daily support.
"Newbies Nest" or "ODAT one day at a time" are just two that come to mind.
Be kind to yourself whilst your body heals:-)

[DeeBee]

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(Great to see you Boss!!)

[Boss.man]

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DeeBee;609816 wrote: (Great to see you Boss!!)

Thanks. I've had a rough week. Got flu I think and tried to booze my way out of it. Bad bad Boss. Steady sleep and worred about shakes, But I can get through it ok...

[Lush]

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Well I have been reading more posts, and thank you for replying. I saw a note from a lady called Cara who said that alcohol is the biggest drain in the UK NHS, and it is, and one of the things I always said was I would NEVER go to A+E with alcohol poisoning, I would always stick it out. I had a long period of anorexia nervosa, and that never really went away. The thing about needing an excuse to drink isn't exactly true, I drink when I don't want to deal with something (almost if I get out of it then I can't and the last time I flipped it was on the day I had taken off to take my Mum to hospital). It is not that I don't love my Mum but I was really resenting that particular task. And now she's been admitted and I bet my near miss has had something to do with that. So the stomach pain is still 'unknown' but I didn't eat during that particular session (6 days) and I get IBS anyway, the first toilet trip after everything started moving again was agonising and I lost half a stone while in hospital. Sorry for moaning. I am usually quite a positive soul. It is just that I have tried so many times, and I am sat here typing with a hot water bottle resting on my stomach, just wondering how far away the next bottle of wine is.

[DeeBee]

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Just take it one day at a time Lush.
Your last session sounds hectic and your body (and mind) needs time to heal. Allow yourself that time.
The MWO program incorporates suppliments in the program which help with cravings. Get yourself some L-Glut and Kudzu to take when you crave.
There are many tools here to help you get through this - use them (and us) to help you.

[Lush]

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I have a friend from another networkwho says that recovery sometimes has to be 'selfish', you have to put your sobriety first. What would help me is if people just didn't talk about it - I have not drunk socially for years (too may falling down, being rude and obnoxious episodes), its always at home, on my own, and that started because I was always being nagged by my partner about 'not overdoing it'. And how right they were. I heard someone say that if alcohol were discovered today it would be outlawed.

[Boss.man]

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Oh, that reminds me of diets and alcohol. Here's what I found out. When you are on a diet you tend to drop all your sugar. You do pink stuff or blue stuff or sucralose. Everytime you do that your taste buds get the message "sweet" so your pancreas starts to do the insulin thing. So then when you pancreas gets no sugar, it gets a little hoity and gives you a HUGO craving for SUGAR. Alcohol is pretty easy to convert and cures the craving. So drinking diet pop will give you cravings for alcohol. Doing that on an empty stomach is going to keep you skinny, but it will do a real number on your systems which are supposed to be handling food. For cravings now I eat some oatmeal bars I make, or if I have at buy I'll eat an oatmeal cookie. If worse, I'll have two sugar cubes in a glass of water, real sugar. This seems to get me out of my craving mood. Costs about 140 calories. Not a deal breaker.

[Lush]

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I have heard you have to be selfish with your sobriety, and put yourself first - and you have to want to for you. I can't square that with all the damage I have done to people and wanting to make amends - but I can't can I? I have treated my partner appallingly, and I should be a better sister, daughter, friend. I'm sending too many posts now on my first visit so will stop. I think I should get some toast or something.

[Lush]

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Deleted - hadn't realised my previous post had been inserted.

[Lush]

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Boss.man;609831 wrote: Oh, that reminds me of diets and alcohol. Here's what I found out. When you are on a diet you tend to drop all your sugar. You do pink stuff or blue stuff or sucralose. Everytime you do that your taste buds get the message "sweet" so your pancreas starts to do the insulin thing. So then when you pancreas gets no sugar, it gets a little hoity and gives you a HUGO craving for SUGAR. Alcohol is pretty easy to convert and cures the craving. So drinking diet pop will give you cravings for alcohol. Doing that on an empty stomach is going to keep you skinny, but it will do a real number on your systems which are supposed to be handling food. For cravings now I eat some oatmeal bars I make, or if I have at buy I'll eat an oatmeal cookie. If worse, I'll have two sugar cubes in a glass of water, real sugar. This seems to get me out of my craving mood. Costs about 140 calories. Not a deal breaker.

Thats the Hungry Angry Lonely Tired condensed really. Apart from the drink (and I'm very fussy about that) I am pretty good with diet - just not enough of it really. Although at the moment I am not exerting any control - if I feel like it I will have it. If I managed to stop binge eating (yes, that came after the anorexia) surely I should be able to stop binge drinking, any drinking? It is not a physical craving I get, but more of a mental one. It seems to go straight to my brain and anything I am bothered about disappears. It also sends me to sleep (as opposed to blackouts) and sleep is something I really crave right now.