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**DeeBee** · June 16, 2009, 03:51 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Well done Tulipe - I think you are just styling!!

Do get the Evening Primrose oil (1000mg) if you can. Or even better if you can find it is a Omega 3, 6 and 9. I can't remember all the benefits of taking it, the list is extensive.
As for the Milk Thistle, well that is great for cleansing the liver.

**Tulipe** · June 16, 2009, 04:05 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Thank's DeeBee. I love your picture. Is that an ostrich? What does styling mean?
11am and I am a little more shaky. My sweat smells strong and sweet. I am going to put on some makeup and walk to the pharmacy for TM and PO. May get myself a nice baguette with BUTTER and jambon-fromage. Have to pee again...

**laurajk9** · June 16, 2009, 06:50 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Hi Tulipe,
Thanks for inviting me and good job on your AF days!! I started taking 1 Campral 3x's a day because I wanted to save some money.
I started yesterday and had cravings all day. My husband of 22 years wants a divorce and I had a bad conversation with him, I was very hurt and used it as an excuse to drink. I'm going to start taking 2 Campral 3x's a day today and Kudzu and try again..sigh

**Tulipe** · June 16, 2009, 07:16 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Laura,
I am glad you are joining and sorry to hear about troubles with your hubby. After 22 years to think someone wants out is really scary. It's unfair, but on the other hand they didn't sign up for life with an irresponsible alkie (not saying you are but obviously we both have a problem).
My suggestion - take all the meds prescribed because on balance they are cheaper than all the AL we are buying. Be sure to start the day off with 2 in the morning to get your brain ok in starting the day. I haven't taken my second set yet - been ok the past few hours - but if I were going to cut back on anything it would be the second tab of the second set.
It's such a trap to use an argument as an excuse. In fact, someone could even try to manipulate another into falling. As my mum would always say, 'don't let them play you; play your own tune.' So don't let him push you into it.

Did you tell him about the campral yet? Could you tell him you are on it and ask for him to be patient for 5 days - just know that if you are very irritable it is not how you really are but rather what you are coming through. Do you have a plan to help you get to sleep?

2:15 here, going for a long walk now. My intestines are a little upset, I think that's sometimes an effect of the campral. Also took 500 mg of milk thistle (80%) at noon so maybe that has something to do with it.

Keep going,
Tulipe

**Tulipe** · June 16, 2009, 09:06 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

4pm here, having trouble breathing. I don't think it's serious, just a tightness on the left side. Hope a walk to pick up kids will make it pass. Just took 2nd sent of Campral.

**Tulipe** · June 16, 2009, 12:34 PM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

By 6:15 the pains were worse when I breathe in, and a little bit of research online made the possibilities look pretty darn scary. Called the MD and he said I absolutely must take the 6 mg of benzie at aroung 6pm, which is normally when I would start chugging a few glasses of chardonnay. I took half a pill, and called hubby asking him to come home if he could. I did right away and has not asked too many questions, other than what's going on. He asked what he can do, and I asked him to put my MD's phone in his cell phone, and just be here. He think's I'm getting a little paranoid about the chest pain - he says he has had it and just ignores it. I don't think he really understands, but I'm in no mood to argue. This is about as passive as I can get. He must be furious with me. The only good thing is that I sought help on my own, not because he made me, and before something terrible happened. I feel so badly about putting our family at risk. And, I think the EU MD is a little cold and should be monitoring me better - I have an appt with him only next Monday. But the Euros are much more matter of fact about things than we Americans are. We sugar coat everything with a smile. They are much more direct. Again, this doesn't matter to me so long as I get the right treatment. I am in no position to be a prima donna.

Just took the second half of the benzie and feel somewhat whoozy. Luckily dinner is almost made, my chest is a little looser, and the kids are out of the bath, homework done, piano practiced.

On to finishing dinner - sauteed onions and peppers, couscous, and veal scallopine. Will take last set of Camprals around 9 or 9:30 again.

Whoo, hope I don't have to go up and down these 100 year old winding stairs too many times tonight. Looking forward to getting into bed and watching tv.

Bye for now,
Tulipe

**Cinders** · June 16, 2009, 12:56 PM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Tulipe,

Was the benzo prescribed for withdrawals? If so, take them as directed. In the US they usually prescribe Librium or Ativan. Day 1 & 2 large doses then titrating down to nothing by the end of a week.

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things and taking good care. You are worth this effort, for sure, and your family will reap immeasurable rewards if you get and stay sober.

Good night. Sleep well and hope to see you tomorrow.

Cindi

**Lynnie** · June 16, 2009, 12:57 PM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Hi Tulipe and all! Tulipe - Good for you for taking this giant leap of faith. I sure hope you are feeling better soon. I enjoy following your story, so keep posting. So, does hubby drink too? You said he had cognac after dinner the other night? Does he have a problem too? Will it bother you if he keeps drinking? I'm asking cause I'm in a similar situation that whenever I spend AF time he never does and it really bothers me. I almost drink sometimes just as a "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" attitude. He doesn't seem to have the guilt and awareness that I experience though. He drinks beer every night around 4-6 a night. I try not to, but it sure is tempting when I see him imbibing all the time.

**Tulipe** · June 17, 2009, 01:42 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Beginning Day 3 with fight with hubby

Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. The good news is that I feel really good this morning - had a good sleep, woke up feeling normal, and calm. Then I made a huge mistake.

I told hubby that I had found a website where there were lots of people just like me who are in day 1, day 5, day 30, whatever, who are all going through this together. I asked him not to come looking for me, and really out of respect for me I hope he does not until I invite him into my head. Anyway, I told him that there were so many people who were having no AL, or having one now and then, or binging, or falling off, and that the good thing about this group was that if there is a fall the overwhelming response from the community is to begin again. I really like the non-judgemental attitude here. Of course, my plan is to stay AF for at least a year and then see if I can handle an occasional few sips. But that is not a goal.

Short term goal - my mom arrives tomorrow, and we have dinner plans on Friday and Saturday, and a piano recital on Sunday where I am playing. Goal is to get through mom's visit et. al. without AL and feel comfortable about it. I really think I can do it.
Medium term goal - I leave for the US in early July, for several family visits and a wedding. Goal is to be AF the entire time.
Long term goal - AF for at least a year, maybe forever, we'll have to see.

SOOO, when I told hubby about the diversity within the group and the ways we are all helping each other, what he HEARD was that I was planning on going back. What he wanted was for me to say that I would not, assuredly, firmly, like I was confessing to a tribunal, and I would not do it. That made him mad.

One criticism he has always had about me is that I make everything about ME, that I don't listen to HIM. In some ways that is true - when he gets angry with me, all I do is get defensive instead of hearing the real issues. When he is angry, all I hear are echoes of my mother yelling at me, my father yelling at me, and all those feeling of helplessness I had as a child and throughout most of my adult life.

So as he was leaving, with his set jaw, sunglasses on, tight facial muscles, I walked him to the door and told him that even though it is true that I have a tendency to make other issues about me, THIS TIME is really IS about me. I am not quitting because he wants me to. In fact, I told him that I would drink to dull my fears of his wrath. Now, he's a pretty good guy, it's not like he's angry all the time, but I often don't say what I would like to so that he won't react badly. Not very healthy. His response, and it's a good one, is that people drink for all sorts of reasons, and if it's not one thing it would be another. Again, true, but what he doesn't know is that I can't use him as an excuse, and that I won't let him have this sort of power over me anymore. He was so angry his face was shaking. I started to cry silently. I told him that I felt strong, and that getting out of this mess would make me powerful. He said, 'maybe we should correspond over this.' which really hurt my feelings. I told him that, and he said that I was ignoring what he wants. I don't want to correspond with my husband over this!!!!!! He walked out, and I said 'thank you,' and he responded 'thank YOU' and you know just how he said it.

I feel very sad, but I don't feel like drinking. I know I will have to accept that he wants reassurance, but really what does verbal reassurance mean? Absolutely nothing. And it is humiliating to me. I hope I can hold out and be strong inside until he understands why I don't want him to treat me like a preacher with me begging redemption and forgiveness. F-that!

Bottom line - I must learn NOT to share my journey with him because he'll only respond to his own fears, and miss my point because he is coming from such a different origin.

**Beaches** · June 17, 2009, 05:51 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Tulipe,
Good for you in remaining AF. The chest pains are a bit scary and I would take Cindi's advice and follow them as prescribed at least in the beginning, we want you to be safe.

Are you happier now that you are AF? I know you talk about doing it for you and I was just curious if you have taken the time to sit down and really think about what a great thing you are doing for yourself and for your kids? The homework, piano lessons etc all without the buzz and remembering all of it, that to me makes it all worth it.

Best of luck to you! It's really nice to have you here.

**cacky** · June 17, 2009, 06:18 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Tulpe, good for you. its a great start to your journey. i took camprall but never had any luck with it. im taking balcofen, l-glut, omega 3 etc. still drink unfortunately. i dont think i have the desire like you do.

**laurajk9** · June 17, 2009, 06:29 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Tulipe,
I'm inspired by your goals and staying AF, even AFTER the fight with your husband. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you're feeling better

**davenc** · June 18, 2009, 12:55 PM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

Hi Tulipe. So glad you are here...And thanks for sharing. Seems like we are stating out at about te same time as I am 2 days AF... I have noticed few side affects from the Campral, I am also in therapy once a week and I am on 275mg of Effexor and 150mg wellbutrin daily. Im also take 1mg of Klonopan once a day. I have never taken a benzo and I find it is really helping my nerves. I have also found in the past that cutting back on caffeine can be a good thing when starting to stop drinking. When I used to go to AA I noticed that all everyone did was drink coffee and smoke cigerattes. I joined right in and felt just horrible. Addictive behavior is just that. Smoking like a freight train or dringking 2 pots of coffee daily is not healthy....thats just my opinion.
I cant count the times I hve tried to stop drinking and using....the 30 days I was on Campal earlier this year was great I didnt drink....and I stayed AF for about another month after I stopped.Then I slipped and it was a rough few weeks... I have a 6 month script for Campral this time and If I need to stay on it afterwards I plan to.
Welcome and Im cheering for you. WE can all do this together..:goodjob:

**Tulipe** · June 19, 2009, 02:50 AM

Campral and Me! (bit of story too)

On Day 5

Hi there, continuing the chonicle.

First - Davenc - way to go to start again. WE CAN DO IT!

SO, after Tuesd day 2 having chest pains and taking 6 mg benzo, had an ok night.
Day 3 - took first set of Campral in morning, 1 in afternoon, and 3mg benzo at night. no chest pains, and was so sleepy I forgot to take the 3rd set of campral that night.
Day 4 - Thursday - took first set in morning, 1 in afternoon, third set in evening. My mom arrived for a visit from the US, and DH and mum had red wine with dinner. DH had cognac afterwards. Then he lit into me. Yuk. It was ugly. I think he's going to leave me. I think he wants a life with a beautiful woman with whom he can drink in moderation, not a fairly attractive middle aged woman who is AF. He is also furious that I was risking my health and the children by hiding my drinking. So how can he trust the basis for our relationship? He says he needs support, however I cannot be his source at the moment for obvious reasons. The more I talk about my struggles, the angrier he gets. So I can't talk about my struggles with him. Makes me feel pretty alone. I don't know what is going to happen. Still AF. Took 3mg of benzo not because of WD, but just because of our discussion.
Day 5 - took first set of campral this morning. Feel physically good, mentally strong. Even if he leaves me I plan on staying AF. I think this may take some time to work its way through.

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