so depressed

[donewithit]

long story short, I am not going home tonight. Or tomorrow. Or maybe the next. I am fighting the urge for a glass of wine. The evil part of me is telling me that my husband will never know..that it will help me get thru tonight.

For those of you who don't know my story it is under "my story" section so I won't bore everyone with reposting here. I have another councelling tomorrow, and I have three days off work. It just so happens that it coincideded with my best friend being out of the country for a week..so here I am at her place.

I left my husband a letter today saying that I am going to be gone a day or two..that I think we both need the space to think ..that I am NOT leaving..just giving him a break. I did a couple of things today that have recently come out from him that have bothered him...one was that I have never legally changed my name...while I go by my husbands last name, every time we travel my documents are in my first husbands name..this bothers my husband (keep in mind that my kids also own this name...so my thinking was not to lose that) Anyway...I applied for our marriage certificate (only took me five years) and sent it off with my check...when it comes back I can change my drivers licence and passport. I told him this in letter.

another thing I did was work on myself. My alcohol addiction has come before everything including my personal hygeine...my long curly hair has been worn up in a bun for the better part of a year..why? cause it is so matted because I would rather had a drink than work on keeping myself pretty. SOOOO today I have also been working on my hair...about 5 hours in and it is half done. I cried when I felt my scalp with no buldgy knots !! I will NEVER let myself go like this again.

I hope when I go home in a day or two...he sees the difference. He has never mentioned it...but I know he MUST have seen how bad it was getting. I have not wore makeup in almost a year. That is about to change.

I want to be the woman I was when he met me...I want to NEVER drink again..but gotta say tonight it is hard.

Well thank god I have a safe place to stay and no one (including the homeowner lol) knows where I am...that gives me some time to myself

will def be on chat tonight..if I am a bummer just tell me to leave.

Lynn

[42cat]

so depressed

Lynn ... hang in there. I, too, am going through a tough marital time ... doing a lot of thinking ... "he" is leaving on Friday .... I have two girls ... Yadda yadda yadda. Got to be strong.

Be strong, Lynn. Good wishes to you.

[gyco]

so depressed

hi, what due, you say to a newbie,hahaha,i remember what they all said to me,holy mackeral,your not drinking for that many months,lots were on a day,month,whatever theyve all made me realise its not the length of time,people are sober for 30 years and not happy,inside, and how u feel is what counts,the battle is not stoppping,staying stopped and realising why,i am, proof,you have to be happy,find it its a gifftt,

[Cinders]

so depressed

Lynn,

I know the brain of an alcoholic. I have one.

May I ask if you think it remotely possible that you put yourself into this situation purely so you could have some alone time to drink without any repercussions?

There will be repercussions, though. Even if hubby doesn't find out. You will know AND you will feel badly that you are hiding and lying yet again. I played this game many, many times. I always lost. Always.

There is no free ride on this rollercoaster. None.

Please consider carefully what you are going to do tonight and tomorrow.

Cindi

[donewithit]

so depressed

don't worry cinders. there is no alcohol in the house and I do not plan on going for any. I plan on finishing my hair and staying on MWO for the evening. I just need a break from the stress of home so badly. I WANT wine...but I am over 4 weeks now and am not going to blow it.

Lynn

[Wally22]

so depressed

Well donewithit, a pamper party sounds like a good idea
manicure pedicure facial, the whole nine yards
then a nice long soak with epsom salts and some fragrance
you'll be all girlified when you come out
slather on the foot cream and wear the socks and gloves to bed, gotta do this right you know
gab a lot on chat and go to sleep in a serene mood, sleep as looooong as you like
tomorrow, do the same again
for nail polish I recommend OPI's Aphrodite's Pink Nightie it doesn't show the chips as much, it's a pretty pink, very feminine
Enjoy!!! Keep a journal, you will probably need it.
:l

[donewithit]

so depressed

OMG wally...I thought you were a GUY!! haahaa...OPI is my fav nail polish brand. It has been a while since I used any sadly. I personally love a french manicure. Maybe tomorrow I will treat myself to one.

Tonight I need to work on my hair. It is half done. 5 hours!!!!!!!! oh my god.. what did I let happen to me? A few years ago I was a really pretty woman ,, not beautiful...but def pretty. now.. haggard and not well put together. Soon. I will be her again.

SO tonight is about ME...and pampering and gabbing..


I am a little concerned that the hubby has not even text messaged me...but I will not let it get to me.
I hope.


Lynn

[openheart]

so depressed

Dear Lynn,
You go girl! Family responsibilites are a huge trigger for me, so I can certainly understand wanting some time free from those "have to's". Pampering yourself sounds like a wonderful idea. I have found with my hubby it has helped so much to specifically let him know how he can help me. And that I need him to help me. Of course, this hasn't happened overnight--we've had *lots* of stressful times due to my drinking.
Thanks for your post--you've inspired me to get a massage to help rid my body of all of those red wine toxins! All the best and hang in there--I will, too.

[sosad61]

so depressed

Off topic, but it appears to me the vast majority of the people on these forums are women. I'm a guy, and was always under the impression it was mostly guys with the alcohol problems. It's probably true still because us guys don't like to admit it when we have a problem.

[Zeppie2]

so depressed

There are a few guys on the site sosad, I'm not, but we have a few on the army thread. You are not alone

[InnerStrength]

so depressed

Lynn
You sound like you are really hurting, but good for you for having a night for yourself. I hope you are ok.
Jen

[KatieSmiles]

so depressed

Be strong donewith!

[KatieSmiles]

so depressed

PS Remember I don't swing that way.....heeeheee

[Sweaty Betty]

so depressed

Lynn. I think taking care of yourself is a positive step forward. Go for all the girly stuff, it's important!

Bets
xx

[JackieClaire]

so depressed

Hi All,
Donewithit: Have a nice girlie day. I like the odd duvet day when I lounge it bed eating rubbish with a nice easy book to read. (bliss).

Sosad : We need men like you. I've been watching your advice you've been giving to Saving Grace. You really are a good guy. Don't leave us.

Love Jackie xxx

AF 7/7/2009