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Guest
October 10th, 2006, 04:31 AM
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mikeupnorth
October 10th, 2006, 08:56 AM
Hi Brigid,

I get confused too when I start trying to figure out the time and day in Australia compared to where I am. Especially since I'm in one of the earliest time zones in the U.S. The only U.S. time zone earlier than me (by one hour) is Hawaii. Did you see the links I posted to the worldwide time clocks? One of them was pretty cool -- a way to quickly tell where everyone is at compared to you, and some snazzy graphics too. I can see that it's 4:45 AM here, and somewhere between 8:45 and 10:45 PM where you are. TimeTicker and the time tickers... (http://www.timeticker.com/) (I know, I'm a nerd: I always have been.)

BTW I agree about taking turns starting posts here. Kim has stepped up to the plate a couple of days, and I got one started a couple. It's working out all right. We will get a rhythm going soon.

Fear and trust. Yeah, those are big issues.

Neil brought out some good discussion yesterday about fear, which I think we all have issues with (whether we're alcoholics or not). I do think the fear can lead us to drink, and if we don't do something to address it, it can lead us to relapse. And living the lives we were, it's no wonder that the fear only intensified. Let me back up and say I can only speak for myself, of course. The years of drinking and associated reckless behavior only made my fears more intense. I knew I was on a path of destruction and that made my fears grow exponentially. And as new as I am to this sober existence, they are still there.

Trust. For me there is a strange mixture there of naivete (yes, still) and distrust of people's motives. I want to believe that people are basically good -- and on the whole, I do. I guess what I do now is see them fooling themselves the way I have done in the past. I hear them telling me they are in love with me, but know they are really in love with love itself. That's just the first example that pops into my head. It's not that I think people are consciously trying to hurt me -- it's more that they are flopping around in this puddle of life, and bruising me when they do.

And I have trouble trusting myself. I have let myself down on so many occasions, and I have made so many errors in judgment, I just have trouble trusting any decision I make. Except for the one to quit drinking.

Thanks Brigid for the topic.

Mike

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 06:25 PM
Is this really about control.. i want to control my emotions.. I want not to fear.. or not to have to trust .. not even myself. And my actions ensure that I have no control at all if I drink.

I find that now I have to re learn all sorts of things about control. Basically I think I was out of control.. but I was masquerading as supremely in contol. I think Kate mentioned this alter ego thing some time ago and it certainly rang true for me. I have met people who seems to really be IN their own body. They have purpose.. the light shines from their eyes. I think in my desire to have that I went off the rails.

Something in me has to accept that I can be who I am and that must be ok in the end. After all, I cant be anyone else.

Seems simple.
Brigid

gabby
October 10th, 2006, 06:29 PM
Brigid, Did you see my post in absville? In efforts to lock my kids outta my computer room I locked myself out too. I am such a complete dork sometimes. Anyway lots of catchin up to do. :cool:

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 06:30 PM
yeah gabs, I saw it.

you are a loveable dork though.. glad you found the key
brigid

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 06:49 PM
talk about synchronicity. a friend just sent me this...

When you've reached the goal you've chosen for yourself, set your sights on an even higher objective. And keep going.

When things have not worked out the way you planned, learn the valuable lessons that the experience has to offer. And keep going.

The key to meaningful achievement is not in how clever you are or how lucky you are or in how much advantage you can gain over others. The key is to keep going.

When other people give you encouragement, insight and assistance, thank them for their help while offering your own special value to in return. And keep going.

When others seek to block your every effort, raise yourself up to where you can clearly see beyond their petty, shortsighted attempts. And keep going.

Whatever may come or go or happen or fail to happen, there is always a way, some way or another, to keep going. You will get wherever you wish to go when you consistently choose, in each moment, to simply, thankfully and gracefully keep going.

i have some good friends.. and I"m going to keep going.
brigid

xtexan
October 10th, 2006, 06:59 PM
HI folks:

Nothing profound or deep today.

This is what I call a discombobulated day. I am not really hitting on all cylinders. A bad hair day. You know.

I was listening to myself talking on the phone today, and the deep inner self asked, "Who is this guy jabbering away?"

I find that these days in the past, were perfect for going out and getting ripped into ethanol drooling oblivion.

Not really a desire for the booze anymore when this happens, but more of a desire to get my s**t back together again. My s**t is definitely not wired very tight today.

I think a long session with the light/sound meditation machine is warranted. Haven't done that in over a week I think, and mainly due to my hearing being messed up with the inner ear infection. It' getting better, but still I'm off kilter.

So much for AF day 300. It's a living.....

Newyear
October 10th, 2006, 09:26 PM
NEIL

HAPPY 300!!

You inspire me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and struggles here - I have gotten so much
from reading your posts.

Enjoy your meditation!

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 09:44 PM
Most of what I had to say

What I had to share today is posted under Neil's thread on fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety are exhausting and I don't have mush else to add.

EXCEPT:

CONGRATS NEIL ON DAY 300!!!!!

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 10:18 PM
patience

I was just clicking through the internet...and ran across someone saying "we have to have patience". For me it was 13 years of buring all this crap...and I expect it all to be dislodged in 68 days. Doing the math I spent about 4,745 days of pretending it didn't exist...so all in all I'm doing well for 68 days. Ahhh, that pink cloud....

Guest
October 10th, 2006, 10:48 PM
I can relate

I can relate to the "ok now that I recognize them"--why won't they just go away. I can even reason some of them through. Know that I am a good person, I can see where some things happened that made me feel the way I have, I have given forgiveness to others and myself--but I haven't forgotten. My emotions I find don't seem to respond well to reasoning. May be why I thought that numbing them was so effective. Guess I've got more work to do.....its all part of my journey I guess.

mikeupnorth
October 10th, 2006, 11:01 PM
Funny that I can accept other people's shortcomings much more easily than I can my own.

I haven't yet accepted that I don't have to be perfect. And see -- even knowing that makes me feel that I have work to do. I'm imperfect because I don't accept that I'm imperfect.

How screwed up is that?