View Full Version : can i moderate or am i fooling myself?

March 28th, 2010, 07:48 AM
hi there - my initial plan was to moderate and drink monthly - I've drank every week and I've smoked.
i also went over my units of 14 this week for the first time in ages and had 18 units.

does this mean i can't moderate - I am seriously thinking going af for a month to see what happens - I have 3 months af behind me - 2 days this weekend I've felt mildly hungover - not what I want.
it's my birthday next week and big party - maybe best present to myself would be to be sober and enjoy myself and to not feel hungover!

Input please!

March 28th, 2010, 08:05 AM
Bear73 this was posted here sometime back,forget by who as i have it copied to my files from when i was just starting out in this journey,like many other posts here it helped me no end to understand where i am going...................
I think that the only way anybody can moderate,is if you haven't already sunk deep into the ''alkie-hole''.

For me when moderating I used to constantly think about alcohol, constantly from the time I got up to the time I went to bed (and it was too late to go and buy some) ....

A constant turmoil of wanting it, hateing everyone because that day I was not drinking because I was moderating and today was a no drink day .... outwardly no-one could guess but inwardly alcohol was turning in my heart and mind, while my stomach was begging for it ....

Each and everyone of us knows deep within who and what we ourselves are, if we are able to moderate we know and if we are an alcoholic we DO know .... but for a long time we usually deny this to ourselves first and everyone else thereafter ....

I also have relatives and friends who open wine, beer etc and have one .... they don't finsh the bottle and that is an anathema to me ..... what is alcohol for if not to get drunk ....

If you feel this way then it will be hard to moderate ... most of us came here because there was that elusive promise to be able to moderate ..... I thought it was a wonder cure - I would be able to drink and not get drunk - every night .....

Good luck with it all anyway .... I hope you are one of the lucky ones

March 28th, 2010, 08:27 AM
I whole heartedly agree with that mario.

March 28th, 2010, 09:30 AM
Ditto Mario's post. I was thinking just this morning how I really fought with myself for "control" over alcohol (rather than admitting I'm addicted to it) for the better part of 30 years. I too think MWO's initial appeal for me was the "moderation option" even though I didn't fess up to that when I first came here. I finally accepted my truth and things got a lot easier after that.

Only you can know...


March 28th, 2010, 12:33 PM
Hi Bear,
There are many definitions of success with moderate drinking, and each person adopts their own definition. At one end of the continuum is the person who rarely thinks about alcohol, and the other end is the person thinking about it every day. I have not met anyone here who is at that "rarely" end of the spectrum. Many are happy to have much improved control over alcohol. Most of us occasionally go over our intended limits, but if that happens regularly, you probably don't feel successful. Maybe your new goal would be a couple of drinks once weekly? Or are you just tired of the struggle, and want to go AF? Drinking moderately is definitely a learned skill; almost no one sets a goal that they consistently meet right away. You learn from your mistakes, learn to avoid situations that have led to drinking too much. Several of us have found that we simply cannot drink at home alone, but out at a restaurant may be more successful. That is true for me. I also didn't have too much trouble getting down to once weekly, but I am not making great progress toward getting the frequency to less than that. Most weekdays, I don't think of drinking, in part because I never was a daily drinker. But weekends, I can usually come up with an occasion so I can have at least a couple of glasses of wine. On a few occasions I have opened and consumed a whole bottle of wine, but that is pretty rare. Overall, I am not drinking too much by anyone's standards except for those rare "whole bottle" episodes, but I would like to think about it less on weekends. I'm not sure that will ever happen unless I decide to go AF. I'm kind of rambling here, but hope you find a shred of helpful information.

P.S. More AF time is always better, to evaluate your options and establish new habits. But I don't believe one necessarily drinks moderately more easily after extensive (6 months?) AF time.

March 29th, 2010, 08:18 PM
Wanted to share a story with you that I found on another site. It's written by a former moderator who decided to go AF.

I've been trying to moderate my drinking since my teens, and I'm now in my 40s. I finally came to the realization that, for me, abstinence is the only way, but like you, I have harbored reservations and have given it another try. It never works out for me, but still I don't learn.

You see, my memory is selective. I tend to forget how sick I felt each day, the hangovers, the blackouts, the puking, the worrying about how I appeared to other people, the remorse I felt every single morning when I woke up. I was beating myself up and yet I continued. Who does that? Social drinkers don't do that. But alcoholics do.

Not An Alcoholic?
It could be that you're not an alcoholic, but remember that more than one drink per day for a woman is risking health problems. Can you moderate to one drink per day and perhaps a couple occasionally? Or will there be times when you can't control it and binge?

Usually, when we have to assert so much control over our drinking, it's because it's taken control of us. Otherwise, why would we need to wrestle control back?

-- Author's name protected
For many of us here who are doing relatively well with moderating, we still have those occasional episodes of not controlling it as intended and going over our desired amount.

I know it's an individual thing for each and every one of us as to how much effort and work do we want to put into moderating and believing it can work for us.

I always used to wonder why modders left but the longer I'm here the more it becomes apparent. It's just so much darn work - counting, worrying, planning, thinking, trying not to think etc. that most folks just want to be set free and not have to worry about all of that anymore.

I'm still trying to wrestle back the control - and I too am not sure if I'm winning the match.
But for now...I'll keep plugging away.