MAE everybody and how are we today? ok I hope....Me still building fence panels out of pallet wood. to buy the panels pre made they are ?36 each!!I am buying the pallets at?1 each so for each fence panel made all its costing is ?2.50 ..and my time..its a pain splitting the pallets down but..when I eventually finish...doing a we bit at a time,I will have made 11 panels up....bit of a saving on that one!!Also at the doctors tonight see what he says whether he will refer me for physio ..or throw his toys out for me not having the op :H we shall see
Tea and coffee?
Evennig TT hows you n daughter getting on? ok? yep being af has got its good points driving....you dont need to stop for a wee so often!!:H have a good evening
Blondie ..well wheres the piccies? cmon get them on here !!how are you did you mean divng as in scuba diving when you mentioned fjiord land?I used to love diving ,but sadly had to pack it in....hence now I do what I do on Sundays!!
Aha tis I Lucifer!!! morning Lav ..well did hell break out yesterday or wasnt it as bad as you imagined?heres a devilishly hot coffee for you..its a repeat performance today as well I take it?best o luck!!
Hiya ppqp...how are you today ? hows the back?Well thats taught madam nosey a lesson hasnt it? 3 day week?uuuuunnluucky!!!Im sure you could work the logistics out for a water feature .would be nice.As for allergies,I tried Piriton...all it did was made me feel crap and sleep so thats history!!!Any plans for today?
Hiya Pauly ..hows you ? hope you are feeling a wee bit better today.Got to echo Cinders comments ..good to see you on here taking part.
Hiya Cinders...big well done to you on starting this business...I really hope it takes off for you .Keep at it we are rooting for you.
Morning SF..wow thanks for the graphics...projectile firing ..could be the start of an olympic sport here!!!how are you feeling after the dentist? ok I hope..you have a good day
Hiya Det how are you today mate? yep with you on the dentist one!!!doing really well you are in the wine world excellent...your name got you through!!!!
right peeps off we go..take care n have a good day
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don?t fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn?t keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What?s a man?s definition of a romantic evening?
s*x.
What?s a man?s idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What?s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What?s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What?s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot?s been spotted a several times.
What?s the smartest thing a man can say?
?My wife says??
What?s the quickest way to a man?s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can?t men get mad cow disease?
Because they?re all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn?t want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman? />Because you?re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies? butts right after they?re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it?s time to go back to his childhood, he?s already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, ?Son, you know eating all that candy isn?t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.?
Little Johnny replied, ?My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.?
The man asked, ?Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time??
Little Johnny answered, ?No, he minded his own F&$%ING business.?
Arthur is 95 years old. He?s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. ?That?s it,? he tells his wife. ?I?m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad?once I?ve hit the ball, I can?t see where it went.?
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, ?Why don?t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.?
?That?s no good,? sighs Arthur. ?Your brother is a hundred and three. He can?t help.?
?He may be a hundred and three?, says the wife, ?but his eyesight is perfect.?
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. ?Did you see the ball??
?Of course I did!? says the brother-in-law. ?I have perfect eyesight.?
?Where did it go?? asks Arthur.
?I can?t remember.?
To whom it may concern:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.
I?ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
signed
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, becauseHusband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their ?old time? favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women generally end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under ?Warnings: Divorce/Child Support?. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command ?C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME?. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special ? Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tea and coffee?
Evennig TT hows you n daughter getting on? ok? yep being af has got its good points driving....you dont need to stop for a wee so often!!:H have a good evening
Blondie ..well wheres the piccies? cmon get them on here !!how are you did you mean divng as in scuba diving when you mentioned fjiord land?I used to love diving ,but sadly had to pack it in....hence now I do what I do on Sundays!!
Aha tis I Lucifer!!! morning Lav ..well did hell break out yesterday or wasnt it as bad as you imagined?heres a devilishly hot coffee for you..its a repeat performance today as well I take it?best o luck!!
Hiya ppqp...how are you today ? hows the back?Well thats taught madam nosey a lesson hasnt it? 3 day week?uuuuunnluucky!!!Im sure you could work the logistics out for a water feature .would be nice.As for allergies,I tried Piriton...all it did was made me feel crap and sleep so thats history!!!Any plans for today?
Hiya Pauly ..hows you ? hope you are feeling a wee bit better today.Got to echo Cinders comments ..good to see you on here taking part.
Hiya Cinders...big well done to you on starting this business...I really hope it takes off for you .Keep at it we are rooting for you.
Morning SF..wow thanks for the graphics...projectile firing ..could be the start of an olympic sport here!!!how are you feeling after the dentist? ok I hope..you have a good day
Hiya Det how are you today mate? yep with you on the dentist one!!!doing really well you are in the wine world excellent...your name got you through!!!!
right peeps off we go..take care n have a good day
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don?t fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn?t keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What?s a man?s definition of a romantic evening?
s*x.
What?s a man?s idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What?s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What?s the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What?s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot?s been spotted a several times.
What?s the smartest thing a man can say?
?My wife says??
What?s the quickest way to a man?s heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can?t men get mad cow disease?
Because they?re all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn?t want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman? />Because you?re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies? butts right after they?re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it?s time to go back to his childhood, he?s already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, ?Son, you know eating all that candy isn?t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.?
Little Johnny replied, ?My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.?
The man asked, ?Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time??
Little Johnny answered, ?No, he minded his own F&$%ING business.?
Arthur is 95 years old. He?s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. ?That?s it,? he tells his wife. ?I?m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad?once I?ve hit the ball, I can?t see where it went.?
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, ?Why don?t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.?
?That?s no good,? sighs Arthur. ?Your brother is a hundred and three. He can?t help.?
?He may be a hundred and three?, says the wife, ?but his eyesight is perfect.?
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. ?Did you see the ball??
?Of course I did!? says the brother-in-law. ?I have perfect eyesight.?
?Where did it go?? asks Arthur.
?I can?t remember.?
To whom it may concern:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6.
I?ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
signed
Jane
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, becauseHusband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their ?old time? favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women generally end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under ?Warnings: Divorce/Child Support?. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command ?C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME?. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C: I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special ? Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.