MAE everyone..how are you all on the booze bustin cruise??...but firstly.....
YAH HAS DONE IT....12 MONTHS AF ..well done :applaud:
hope there are many more to go for you....
Tea and coffee on the go for all.
Morning tt...oops..evening it is over there..and hows your day been?ok I hope.moi more decorating to do ,weather outside is abs rubbish anyway, plus needs to be done...reckon you arent far off the 12 month mark now are you? I did have a list of them all..but lost it!!!
Morning SF..how are you today? if you want to develop a foreign strand to your OCD skillls..just ask..plenty over here at the mo!!
Morning Lav...hows you today?Xtreme child minding coming up...ok ..one large coffee to see you through..rain is pelting down here at the moment..got yet another phone ...now on no 3..Samsung Galaxy S3...at least I can work this one..oh and it makes phone calls!!
Hiya Samstone and hows things with you today? ok I hope
not many on here today ,but thats life ..as long as we are all af..including the lurkers!!! have a grrrrrrrrreat day
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, ?This is phenomenal. You?ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we?d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we?re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I?m sorry?.we can?t hire you.?
?But wait,? he said. ?If I take two aspirin, I?ll stop winking!?
?Really? Great! Show me!?
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
?Well,? said the interviewer, ?that?s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!?
?Womanizing? What do you mean? I?m a happily married man!?
?Well then, how do you explain all these condoms??
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor?s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ?Chronic Offenders? category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company?s mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that?s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe?s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, ?Look here! You?re the only white man we?ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn?t take a genius to figure out what happened!?
The professor replied, ?No, Chief. You?re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.?
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, ?Tell you what. You don?t say anything more about that sheep and I won?t say anything more about that white child.?
An elderly woman walked into a doctor?s office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, ?I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner?.?
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor?s office and exclaimed, ?You have to change my husband?s prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
?I feel awful,? said the doctor. ?Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.?
?Don?t worry about it,? replied the woman, ?we just won?t eat at that restaurant any more!!?
Aunt Mary and two of her old friends were having a glass of lemonade at her house, and talking about their health problems.
?I think I must be getting old.? said one of the women. ?I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can?t remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down.?
?I know what you mean,? added the second friend. ?Sometimes I?ll be standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can?t remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in.?
Aunt Mary sat up. ?I guess I?m better off than either of you. I haven?t had any problems like that so far, knock on wood?. Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She looked at the other two women and stood up. ?Excuse me,? she said, ?Someone?s at the door.?
Top Ten Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
10. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare.
9. You?ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
8. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling.
7. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy.
6. You create an on-going email dialog with your computer at home.
5. No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan it and enhance it using Photoshop.
4. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now only require a single can of coke to belch the names of all seven dwarves.
3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
2. The 18-hole 3 par mini-golf course in your office.
1. The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push pin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f*cking everything.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, ?Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father??
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. ?Yes. Yes he did.?
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks ?Who? Who was he? Who was the father??
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, ?You.?
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. ?I?ll make you a deal. I?ll open this alligator?s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He?ll then open his mouth and I?ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.?
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator?s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
?I?ll pay anyone $100 who?s willing to give it a try.? A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up, ?I?ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.?
YAH HAS DONE IT....12 MONTHS AF ..well done :applaud:
hope there are many more to go for you....
Tea and coffee on the go for all.
Morning tt...oops..evening it is over there..and hows your day been?ok I hope.moi more decorating to do ,weather outside is abs rubbish anyway, plus needs to be done...reckon you arent far off the 12 month mark now are you? I did have a list of them all..but lost it!!!
Morning SF..how are you today? if you want to develop a foreign strand to your OCD skillls..just ask..plenty over here at the mo!!
Morning Lav...hows you today?Xtreme child minding coming up...ok ..one large coffee to see you through..rain is pelting down here at the moment..got yet another phone ...now on no 3..Samsung Galaxy S3...at least I can work this one..oh and it makes phone calls!!
Hiya Samstone and hows things with you today? ok I hope
not many on here today ,but thats life ..as long as we are all af..including the lurkers!!! have a grrrrrrrrreat day
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, ?This is phenomenal. You?ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we?d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we?re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I?m sorry?.we can?t hire you.?
?But wait,? he said. ?If I take two aspirin, I?ll stop winking!?
?Really? Great! Show me!?
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
?Well,? said the interviewer, ?that?s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!?
?Womanizing? What do you mean? I?m a happily married man!?
?Well then, how do you explain all these condoms??
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor?s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ?Chronic Offenders? category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company?s mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that?s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe?s chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, ?Look here! You?re the only white man we?ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn?t take a genius to figure out what happened!?
The professor replied, ?No, Chief. You?re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.?
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, ?Tell you what. You don?t say anything more about that sheep and I won?t say anything more about that white child.?
An elderly woman walked into a doctor?s office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, ?I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner?.?
The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor?s office and exclaimed, ?You have to change my husband?s prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!
?I feel awful,? said the doctor. ?Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.?
?Don?t worry about it,? replied the woman, ?we just won?t eat at that restaurant any more!!?
Aunt Mary and two of her old friends were having a glass of lemonade at her house, and talking about their health problems.
?I think I must be getting old.? said one of the women. ?I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can?t remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down.?
?I know what you mean,? added the second friend. ?Sometimes I?ll be standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can?t remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in.?
Aunt Mary sat up. ?I guess I?m better off than either of you. I haven?t had any problems like that so far, knock on wood?. Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She looked at the other two women and stood up. ?Excuse me,? she said, ?Someone?s at the door.?
Top Ten Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
10. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare.
9. You?ve actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
8. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling.
7. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy.
6. You create an on-going email dialog with your computer at home.
5. No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan it and enhance it using Photoshop.
4. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now only require a single can of coke to belch the names of all seven dwarves.
3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
2. The 18-hole 3 par mini-golf course in your office.
1. The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push pin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f*cking everything.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, ?Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father??
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. ?Yes. Yes he did.?
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks ?Who? Who was he? Who was the father??
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, ?You.?
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. ?I?ll make you a deal. I?ll open this alligator?s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He?ll then open his mouth and I?ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.?
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator?s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
?I?ll pay anyone $100 who?s willing to give it a try.? A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up, ?I?ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.?
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