I am honestly not sure where to start, but I needed to get this down (as much for myself as for those of you who may take a tiny morsel of this to heart). I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the last ten days about where my life has been and where I want it to be, and I've come to an important conclusion/decision. I believe that to truly beat this affliction, I need to battle it from every single angle that I can, as hard as I can. My singular goal is to beat this thing and spend the rest of my nurturing my sobriety. Nothing else in the world is as important to me as this is right now.
How do I plan to do this? It is actually pretty simple when you think about it... I plan on continuing spending time on the MWO website, reading stories and posting my thoughts when I can - the camaraderie is unbelievable and I have made a lot of good friends; I plan on searching around to find an AA group that I fit with and then using them to reinforce and support the sobriety that I am 10 days into right now; I plan on returning to the church to actively seek out my spirituality - I've spent too long wandering this earth in search of the meaning of life; I plan on seeing a therapist once every two weeks to rebuild and strengthen my marriage - it has been neglected for too long.
I finally made the decision to admit that I want this part of my life to end. I've talked to my wife, my parents, and my siblings about this issues that I have been having just so that everyone is aware of where I am at. I am no longer ashamed to be who I am. I didn't ask for this any more than someone asks to have cancer - but just like cancer unless you treat it with your heart and soul there is a good chance that it will eventually destroy your life and I'm not willing to let that happen.
I have gained so much from finding this website. Six months ago I was binging on average once every weekend, but have cut down to once every couple of weeks, once a month, or more. I couldn't have done that without the support and encouragement that the people here have offered me, and it hasn't been just the long-time members - I learn a great deal from the people who are brand-new. I encourage anyone who is new to stick around and soak up as much as they can, there is so much that can be learned.
I've also decided to give AA a try. I may not have agreed with the AA sessions that I have been to in the past, but that doesn't mean that I don't think they have something to offer. I will do ANYTHING I NEED TO in my battle against this, and I cannot believe that there is not a group out there of caring and compassionate individuals that I can find. I no longer feel the stigmatism that is attached to drinking too much, nor do I feel the stigmatism attached to going to AA. I'd always associated them with people who had hit rock bottom and had no other way out, but that can't be the case when I think about it logically. There has to be room for a person like me who is a binge drinker as well, I just have to be as open and receptive as I can be to the message they send, and process it in a manner that fits me.
As I look back on my life, there is a common theme in that I've always wondered what my purpose here on earth is. I freely admit that I had moved away from religion many years ago, as I started being concerned with physical proof that He existed. Belief just wasn't enough and I certainly wasn't going to put my faith into something I wasn't sure of. But, I funny thing happened after the last time I drank and tried to hide it from my wife. As I posted, she was extremely upset to the point where my marriage is in jeopardy. As I sat there contemplating my future, I found myself asking God to help show me the way, to help me help myself and my family, and a warm comforting feeling slowly spread over me.
I truly feel that I need that spirituality in my life to complete the pieces of the puzzle. I've been so resistant to it for so long that the barriers run high. I guess that this, as in all other aspects of my life, is simply a wall that I've put up so that I don't have to rely on (or disappoint) anyone.... It's time for those walls to come down.
I do this for myself, but I also do it for my family. I cannot bear the thought of not talking to my wife every day, or waking up with my son in the morning and asking him if he had any good dreams. For too long I've said "just one more time and then I'm done" - well, I'm done. I've sometimes wished that I hadn't drank the last time that I did, but I don't know that I would be in the mental mindset that I am know. I've discovered that there is no magic bullet, pill, or anything else -- you have to WANT THIS more than anything in the world, and BE WILLING to do whatever it takes to get there.
Anyway, enough of my rambling. If you've made it this far thanks for reading and listening. If you're so inclined, please wish me luck on this journey. I am scared of the future, but am also looking forward to it, and I look forward to being able to continue to count you as my friends.
AAthlete
How do I plan to do this? It is actually pretty simple when you think about it... I plan on continuing spending time on the MWO website, reading stories and posting my thoughts when I can - the camaraderie is unbelievable and I have made a lot of good friends; I plan on searching around to find an AA group that I fit with and then using them to reinforce and support the sobriety that I am 10 days into right now; I plan on returning to the church to actively seek out my spirituality - I've spent too long wandering this earth in search of the meaning of life; I plan on seeing a therapist once every two weeks to rebuild and strengthen my marriage - it has been neglected for too long.
I finally made the decision to admit that I want this part of my life to end. I've talked to my wife, my parents, and my siblings about this issues that I have been having just so that everyone is aware of where I am at. I am no longer ashamed to be who I am. I didn't ask for this any more than someone asks to have cancer - but just like cancer unless you treat it with your heart and soul there is a good chance that it will eventually destroy your life and I'm not willing to let that happen.
I have gained so much from finding this website. Six months ago I was binging on average once every weekend, but have cut down to once every couple of weeks, once a month, or more. I couldn't have done that without the support and encouragement that the people here have offered me, and it hasn't been just the long-time members - I learn a great deal from the people who are brand-new. I encourage anyone who is new to stick around and soak up as much as they can, there is so much that can be learned.
I've also decided to give AA a try. I may not have agreed with the AA sessions that I have been to in the past, but that doesn't mean that I don't think they have something to offer. I will do ANYTHING I NEED TO in my battle against this, and I cannot believe that there is not a group out there of caring and compassionate individuals that I can find. I no longer feel the stigmatism that is attached to drinking too much, nor do I feel the stigmatism attached to going to AA. I'd always associated them with people who had hit rock bottom and had no other way out, but that can't be the case when I think about it logically. There has to be room for a person like me who is a binge drinker as well, I just have to be as open and receptive as I can be to the message they send, and process it in a manner that fits me.
As I look back on my life, there is a common theme in that I've always wondered what my purpose here on earth is. I freely admit that I had moved away from religion many years ago, as I started being concerned with physical proof that He existed. Belief just wasn't enough and I certainly wasn't going to put my faith into something I wasn't sure of. But, I funny thing happened after the last time I drank and tried to hide it from my wife. As I posted, she was extremely upset to the point where my marriage is in jeopardy. As I sat there contemplating my future, I found myself asking God to help show me the way, to help me help myself and my family, and a warm comforting feeling slowly spread over me.
I truly feel that I need that spirituality in my life to complete the pieces of the puzzle. I've been so resistant to it for so long that the barriers run high. I guess that this, as in all other aspects of my life, is simply a wall that I've put up so that I don't have to rely on (or disappoint) anyone.... It's time for those walls to come down.
I do this for myself, but I also do it for my family. I cannot bear the thought of not talking to my wife every day, or waking up with my son in the morning and asking him if he had any good dreams. For too long I've said "just one more time and then I'm done" - well, I'm done. I've sometimes wished that I hadn't drank the last time that I did, but I don't know that I would be in the mental mindset that I am know. I've discovered that there is no magic bullet, pill, or anything else -- you have to WANT THIS more than anything in the world, and BE WILLING to do whatever it takes to get there.
Anyway, enough of my rambling. If you've made it this far thanks for reading and listening. If you're so inclined, please wish me luck on this journey. I am scared of the future, but am also looking forward to it, and I look forward to being able to continue to count you as my friends.
AAthlete
So search out that church, that AA group, the therapist, whatever you need to be whole and healthy again. Sending you luck, strength, and grace for your journey
Comment