q about partners

[fearless]

i am new into my sobriety...after going thru an initial period of steady abstinence last year for months...had what i'll call an experiment and am now 21 days.

i know there are problems w/being in relationship early on in recovery. i wondered what other's experiences were.

my new bf (just a little over a month now) is very supportive.
however i am feeling a little bit as if he is checking up on me.
how is that different than checking in...?
anyone get what i'm suggesting?

how not to feel defensive.
how to set appropriate boundaries for it being MY struggle and encouraging trust in a partner w/o denying his own natural feelings of concern and worry.

[AMELIA]

q about partners

Hi Fearless,
Congrats on 21 days!!

I get what you are talking about. However from the points you have mentioned it sounds like you are pretty self aware and conscious of what is and may be going on for you, for him and for you as a couple. With that awareness and open communication with your partner, it sounds like you have the tools to work it out together through discussion.

Good luck

Amelia

[Guest]

q about partners

Fearless, you have been seeing him only a little over a month right? He may just feel a little threatned by the time you devote to the website. I don't know how much time you send here I average 2-4 hours a day. I need to. My husband understands that and has been very supportive. I have asked if he would like to read my posts. He has said no. he tells me that this is my place, just for me. He is supportive if I want to talk about anything I've written about and does listen. He just dosen't feel the need to come into this area that I hold so privately. That is just my experience everyone is different,
Smiles
mary

[Kitty]

q about partners

Hi Fearless,

I know what you mean too. I've been with my fiancee for 16 months, he's always known I had a problem and has generally been very supportive although he is at the end of his teather right now.

He knows I come to this site and he wants to know what I talk about. I tell him it's a place for like minded people and that we support each other. He acts very self confident all the time but I think he thinks I'm going to have an affair with someone here!!! LOL or that I'm slagging him off, which is simply not true.

It's hard work dealing with your own insecurities then your partner's as well. Sometimes I think he worries that if I sort myself him I'll be off. I think he kinda like's the fact that I'm a bit of a mess so he can look after me.

Kitty

[trixietrack]

q about partners

mmm how is he checking up? that would be my question. being in recovery with a new relationship could be a bit tough on your nerves.
If you explain to him how you feel and he understands, that would be a good sign

[fearless]

q about partners

how...

trixietrack;128617 wrote: mmm how is he checking up? that would be my question. being in recovery with a new relationship could be a bit tough on your nerves.
If you explain to him how you feel and he understands, that would be a good sign

good question, trixie...thanks for asking.
yes, well, we both are in therapy (separately) and sometimes we check in with each other and just ask how our session went...that kind of thing. so the last time, after he asked a general q, he said, well, i know you said you wanted to have one of your focuses be on your sobriety, so i just wondered how that was going for you. and i said, it was going well and that i felt good about it. i shared how i was able to tell my gyn of 20 yrs the truth about my problem and that she was supportive. he asked how many days i was and i said i don't remember, let me check...i have this little notebook i keep and i don't really keep the number in my mind unless i look. i am approaching this as being abstinant from now on so why should i have to count? or keep that primary?

anyway,
i felt a tiny bit like he was checking to see if i'd had a drink. cause he'd said before that was one of his fears that he wouldn't know if i had or not. i could do it on the sly or whatever. and all that is true. and i do understand how it will put him in a bad spot if i drink...however, it remains my choice and i just want a little space on it.

so i just gave him the info he wanted and tried to reassure him...but i was left with an icky feeling about it and i didn't know if it was more about me or him.

i'm open to thoughts...

[fearless]

q about partners

you're right

AMELIA;128539 wrote: Hi Fearless,
Congrats on 21 days!!

I get what you are talking about. However from the points you have mentioned it sounds like you are pretty self aware and conscious of what is and may be going on for you, for him and for you as a couple. With that awareness and open communication with your partner, it sounds like you have the tools to work it out together through discussion.

Good luck

Amelia

you are so clear, amelia. thanks for the reassurance.
yup we are good at discussing things openly.
it's my first relationship where i felt i could really feel safe w/in myself and be completely honest.

[fearless]

q about partners

hey there

simeybear;128547 wrote: Fearless, you have been seeing him only a little over a month right? He may just feel a little threatned by the time you devote to the website. I don't know how much time you send here I average 2-4 hours a day. I need to. My husband understands that and has been very supportive. I have asked if he would like to read my posts. He has said no. he tells me that this is my place, just for me. He is supportive if I want to talk about anything I've written about and does listen. He just dosen't feel the need to come into this area that I hold so privately. That is just my experience everyone is different,
Smiles
mary

thanks, mary.
well, i haven't been devoting much time to this site, actually.
i've been feeling really strong and not needing too much support and i found when i was trying to abstain before that i'd just find something else to kind of dive into and get lost in the new addiction. i am having so few cravings and obsessions that i just don't go there. i attribute the difference partially to the campral i am on. those gaba transmitters or whatever really help me feel calm and stable.

so...i think it is more about his fears of being w/someone in early recovery...also a way for him to be distracted from his own problems and he admits he has some. for me i am just practicing keeping it in perspective.

[fearless]

q about partners

affairs

Kitty;128554 wrote: Hi Fearless,

I know what you mean too. I've been with my fiancee for 16 months, he's always known I had a problem and has generally been very supportive although he is at the end of his teather right now.

He knows I come to this site and he wants to know what I talk about. I tell him it's a place for like minded people and that we support each other. He acts very self confident all the time but I think he thinks I'm going to have an affair with someone here!!! LOL or that I'm slagging him off, which is simply not true.

It's hard work dealing with your own insecurities then your partner's as well. Sometimes I think he worries that if I sort myself him I'll be off. I think he kinda like's the fact that I'm a bit of a mess so he can look after me.

Kitty

hi kitty,
thanks so much for your response.
i too worry about how much of a strain all this will be on the relationship.
i know one is normally not considered on stable ground until after a year of abstinence.
i am stubborn enough to think that hey
i've been thru this often enough and this is the last time
that's what i'm determined to make it.

jealous, eh?
i can relate to that part too.
men can be so insecure sometimes...
well, women, too.
i guess we all have our fears.
better to have them expressed than suppressed.