For the first time in absolute ages I went out with a bunch of friends. Sushi at the Japanese, drinks at the Greek Club afterwards. It was fantastic, laughing, singing in the car from the Jap restaurant a number of miles out of town back to the club for a sundowner. Friends taking me aside asking why I have kept away for so long... 'how they missed me, where had I been!!!!!.' Yeah right... a bunch of Judas'es! The honest answer to not being around them is not just booze, its partly all my projects. Editing a book about my years with lions in the Masai Mara, finishing a web site of my photography (something I have desparately wanted to do for ages), doing graphics that actually make me a living and developing a small cottage industry making frames from cultured coffee wood (they are so beautiful. I love making things from nature. Its magic) . I love creating, whether its writing, photography or wood.
Anyway I digress. We all get to the club and have a few night caps. I've not only taken Kudzu but I'm on a mission and have no intention of getting pissed (English for drunk... not as in 'annoyed' in the US dictionary!). We all get chatting and one particular friend is talking about an all night party we were at last weekend, when she (in my opinion) lost it and started a cat fight with her brother's lover (who by the way is engaged to another female). Beer, wine etc ended up being thrown all over the place and it was pretty pathetic in my view. As wild as I may be I totally disagreed with the behavior, especially seeings as my friends brother's extra liason was actually none of the sister's business! Having said this, I kept my opinion to myself mainly (and here is where it may get confusing to you all) because I knew that my female friend had actually started the arguement with her brother's 'fling', not because she wanted to stick up for her 'soon to be sister in law,' but because she is actually insanely jealous of her brother's influence in the family business she grabbed the first opportunity going to make him look bad! STUPID, DAFT ME FOR POINTING OUT THIS SMALL FACTOR TO HER!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, eventually, whilst we all sat as a group at the Greek Club, I piped up and said to her that I did'nt approve of her slagging the other girl in public throwing booze all over the place and then involving herself in all sorts of bitchyness this past week which frankly was demeaning (sorry... I said it!). OH STUPID ME... when will I learn to keep my big mouth SHUT. Next thing this female friend goes to the bar and tells the proprieter that I am disputing my bill. I come back from the 'ladies' to hear this God awful row going on and when I try to intervene, I realised that she has set me up.
Now I'm far from a cry baby, in fact I have looked after myself for a very long time, but when the proprieter (a so called friend of mine) grabbed my bill and said that I did'nt have to pay my bill if I disputed it, I lost my cool. I said, " I beg your pardon, I have'nt disputed my bill and how dare you question me without speaking to me first!." I signed the bill and proceeded to leave. Drove home to be welcomed by my African Wild Cat, who is my shadow and wondered why the hell I had bothered to go out at all.
You guys have become friends and that is why I find myself writing here yet, I have to be honest in that I get confused as to why I write here so much..this site is about controlling booze, yet its become a magical connection of people who can talk.
I have good friends in real life (some of whom, admittedly I have not kept in constant contact with because I'm so besotted with the bush, adventure and my projects), but where they have chosen to have families I have chosen a life of writing, exploring, photography and writing some more. I love the natural world, as I know so many of us do, but I feel a conviction about writing about it and what I have remained unto myself, my family, friends and those I've had the pleasure of meeting along my adventures, is true and genuine. This HOWEVER seems to be a problem... within the adulteress, two faced, weak, pathethic majority of white Africans and there followers including many 'two year wonders'(sorry its the nick name here in East Africa for people on 2 year contracts!) who frequent modern Africa thinking that life here is just a blast from one sun downer to another!
Sure us Africans know how to make a party but we are also some of the most hard working, toughest people going. We work hard...we play hard.
I am sure that many of you have read about 'White Mischief' and the old roudy colonial days in Kenya, but my grand father, and father were very hard working farmers. Us kids grew up running bare foot with fellow african kids with no discrimination and a gut feeling for honesty, hard work and above all believe in something very beautiful. I spoke Swahili first and did not know what 'grammer' was till my father persuaded a poor unsuspecting head mistress in a Private English school to take me on! (I hated it and I know she hated me being there too.... but it worked out!)
So where did it all go wrong?
A lot of the real characters here have gone. The people I loved and so respected. The characters that established the existence of wildlife in this country whilst at the same time living an adventure bolted by an anchor of life's truth. Bill Woodley (anti poaching), Ken Smith (game warden in Kenya northern territory who approved Joy & George Adamson keeping Elsa & later helping me with a presidencial decree to rehabilatate a special lion in the Mara), Ted Goss (who after being crushed by an elephant went on to form the first camel anti poaching outfit in Kenya's Northern Frontier). They where personnal friends who I looked up to as Gods (and I believe God will forgive me describing them as that), Gorge Adamson my mentor, David Sheldrick (who'es life was Tsavo National Park and its elephants) and is the only character mentioned that I did'nt personally get to know. The rest knew me as a young kid, encouraged my dreams and writing as I grew up and I felt so incrediably previledged to have them play, talk and influence me from a very young age.
So whats the purpose of all my drivel???!! Just a true need to vent my anger, re-gain my wings and get on and create. I don't want to create something just for me.... I want to create a statement about East Africa (admittedly Kenya specifically... after all it is my home) and I am becoming more and more distant from people as this feeling grows. Tonights inconsequential bullshit just hurries me along.
I've gone through childhood hang-ups like a lot of us (sorry I know that sounds callous... but it is my choice not to talk about it because I also had great opportunities as a kid so I won't make it an issue any more), being almost killed by my boyfriend (for being foolish enough to think I was the individual I am) which I survived with the help and love of my closest dear friends, chosing to abort the love of my life's child (I won't even go down that road), learning that my elder sister was a true version of Judas and ...and...and...and. But you know what? Its not important anymore because I have a tiny cell that has been with me since I was born, and that is to somehow write and expose the true wonder of East Africa. I don't have a child, I don't have a husband and neither do I want them. I love my nieces, nephews, my God daugther Natalie who definately came from heaven, my exploration, my love of life and my, probably boring need to somehow express my commitment to wildlife. So everyone in Tanzania (my home right now & Kenya, my true home) who seems to have a problem with handling my vision needs to back off.
A THOUGHT... maybe I need to stop being so enthusiastic and shut up. I just can't help it.... I love spreading the word..... there's a whole Africa out here waiting to be saved. (There I go again).
I miss the good ol' parties, laughts, late nights growing into a sunrise, mad...mad fun in the bush (though they still do happen although less often in this crazy world of making a living) ... most IMPORTANTLY being young and frivilous and OH SO DARING...but I could not do what I do now when I was younger. I had the energy, love and vision but not the insight and maturity to listen who spoke (one voice is my natural mother. She has been cruel in many ways but oh so very special as far as Africa and I am concerned). I will hold onto this magic fwhich I was born with and WILL fearlessly protect it. Please believe me that I am not being over dramatic here. To me, and many Africans who do not have the opportunity, chance, or education to make there voice heard this is as important as the most precious thing you, in the developed world hold.
So to hell with those without a vision or belief. God guide me, forgive me for my arrogance and help me make my call.
ps. My maturnal mother has cancer and has been going through pure hell recently, but like I said in an earlier thread she has the heart of a lion and the robustness of a Cape buffallo. I would like her to read these words as well because I find it easier writing to a third party than dirrectly. So I am going to e-mail this to my younger sister to pass on to my maturnal mother Felicity. As selfish as it sounds I have to say that it will be hard living in a world without the likes of her and her GUTS.
Anyway I digress. We all get to the club and have a few night caps. I've not only taken Kudzu but I'm on a mission and have no intention of getting pissed (English for drunk... not as in 'annoyed' in the US dictionary!). We all get chatting and one particular friend is talking about an all night party we were at last weekend, when she (in my opinion) lost it and started a cat fight with her brother's lover (who by the way is engaged to another female). Beer, wine etc ended up being thrown all over the place and it was pretty pathetic in my view. As wild as I may be I totally disagreed with the behavior, especially seeings as my friends brother's extra liason was actually none of the sister's business! Having said this, I kept my opinion to myself mainly (and here is where it may get confusing to you all) because I knew that my female friend had actually started the arguement with her brother's 'fling', not because she wanted to stick up for her 'soon to be sister in law,' but because she is actually insanely jealous of her brother's influence in the family business she grabbed the first opportunity going to make him look bad! STUPID, DAFT ME FOR POINTING OUT THIS SMALL FACTOR TO HER!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, eventually, whilst we all sat as a group at the Greek Club, I piped up and said to her that I did'nt approve of her slagging the other girl in public throwing booze all over the place and then involving herself in all sorts of bitchyness this past week which frankly was demeaning (sorry... I said it!). OH STUPID ME... when will I learn to keep my big mouth SHUT. Next thing this female friend goes to the bar and tells the proprieter that I am disputing my bill. I come back from the 'ladies' to hear this God awful row going on and when I try to intervene, I realised that she has set me up.
Now I'm far from a cry baby, in fact I have looked after myself for a very long time, but when the proprieter (a so called friend of mine) grabbed my bill and said that I did'nt have to pay my bill if I disputed it, I lost my cool. I said, " I beg your pardon, I have'nt disputed my bill and how dare you question me without speaking to me first!." I signed the bill and proceeded to leave. Drove home to be welcomed by my African Wild Cat, who is my shadow and wondered why the hell I had bothered to go out at all.
You guys have become friends and that is why I find myself writing here yet, I have to be honest in that I get confused as to why I write here so much..this site is about controlling booze, yet its become a magical connection of people who can talk.
I have good friends in real life (some of whom, admittedly I have not kept in constant contact with because I'm so besotted with the bush, adventure and my projects), but where they have chosen to have families I have chosen a life of writing, exploring, photography and writing some more. I love the natural world, as I know so many of us do, but I feel a conviction about writing about it and what I have remained unto myself, my family, friends and those I've had the pleasure of meeting along my adventures, is true and genuine. This HOWEVER seems to be a problem... within the adulteress, two faced, weak, pathethic majority of white Africans and there followers including many 'two year wonders'(sorry its the nick name here in East Africa for people on 2 year contracts!) who frequent modern Africa thinking that life here is just a blast from one sun downer to another!
Sure us Africans know how to make a party but we are also some of the most hard working, toughest people going. We work hard...we play hard.
I am sure that many of you have read about 'White Mischief' and the old roudy colonial days in Kenya, but my grand father, and father were very hard working farmers. Us kids grew up running bare foot with fellow african kids with no discrimination and a gut feeling for honesty, hard work and above all believe in something very beautiful. I spoke Swahili first and did not know what 'grammer' was till my father persuaded a poor unsuspecting head mistress in a Private English school to take me on! (I hated it and I know she hated me being there too.... but it worked out!)
So where did it all go wrong?
A lot of the real characters here have gone. The people I loved and so respected. The characters that established the existence of wildlife in this country whilst at the same time living an adventure bolted by an anchor of life's truth. Bill Woodley (anti poaching), Ken Smith (game warden in Kenya northern territory who approved Joy & George Adamson keeping Elsa & later helping me with a presidencial decree to rehabilatate a special lion in the Mara), Ted Goss (who after being crushed by an elephant went on to form the first camel anti poaching outfit in Kenya's Northern Frontier). They where personnal friends who I looked up to as Gods (and I believe God will forgive me describing them as that), Gorge Adamson my mentor, David Sheldrick (who'es life was Tsavo National Park and its elephants) and is the only character mentioned that I did'nt personally get to know. The rest knew me as a young kid, encouraged my dreams and writing as I grew up and I felt so incrediably previledged to have them play, talk and influence me from a very young age.
So whats the purpose of all my drivel???!! Just a true need to vent my anger, re-gain my wings and get on and create. I don't want to create something just for me.... I want to create a statement about East Africa (admittedly Kenya specifically... after all it is my home) and I am becoming more and more distant from people as this feeling grows. Tonights inconsequential bullshit just hurries me along.
I've gone through childhood hang-ups like a lot of us (sorry I know that sounds callous... but it is my choice not to talk about it because I also had great opportunities as a kid so I won't make it an issue any more), being almost killed by my boyfriend (for being foolish enough to think I was the individual I am) which I survived with the help and love of my closest dear friends, chosing to abort the love of my life's child (I won't even go down that road), learning that my elder sister was a true version of Judas and ...and...and...and. But you know what? Its not important anymore because I have a tiny cell that has been with me since I was born, and that is to somehow write and expose the true wonder of East Africa. I don't have a child, I don't have a husband and neither do I want them. I love my nieces, nephews, my God daugther Natalie who definately came from heaven, my exploration, my love of life and my, probably boring need to somehow express my commitment to wildlife. So everyone in Tanzania (my home right now & Kenya, my true home) who seems to have a problem with handling my vision needs to back off.
A THOUGHT... maybe I need to stop being so enthusiastic and shut up. I just can't help it.... I love spreading the word..... there's a whole Africa out here waiting to be saved. (There I go again).
I miss the good ol' parties, laughts, late nights growing into a sunrise, mad...mad fun in the bush (though they still do happen although less often in this crazy world of making a living) ... most IMPORTANTLY being young and frivilous and OH SO DARING...but I could not do what I do now when I was younger. I had the energy, love and vision but not the insight and maturity to listen who spoke (one voice is my natural mother. She has been cruel in many ways but oh so very special as far as Africa and I am concerned). I will hold onto this magic fwhich I was born with and WILL fearlessly protect it. Please believe me that I am not being over dramatic here. To me, and many Africans who do not have the opportunity, chance, or education to make there voice heard this is as important as the most precious thing you, in the developed world hold.
So to hell with those without a vision or belief. God guide me, forgive me for my arrogance and help me make my call.
ps. My maturnal mother has cancer and has been going through pure hell recently, but like I said in an earlier thread she has the heart of a lion and the robustness of a Cape buffallo. I would like her to read these words as well because I find it easier writing to a third party than dirrectly. So I am going to e-mail this to my younger sister to pass on to my maturnal mother Felicity. As selfish as it sounds I have to say that it will be hard living in a world without the likes of her and her GUTS.
eace:
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