View Full Version : My Journal

June 14th, 2015, 04:50 PM
I have been posting in the NN for more than 100 days, on my 98th consecutive day without alcohol. I have finally decided to just write my thoughts here instead of dumping all my posts into the next. I think in the beginning I needed every little bit of motivation and encouragement I could get, and I am sure I will still post in there when I need help. Today, I don't feel so helpless, I feel like even though I have in a rough patch in my personal life, I have been doing much better without alcohol. I feel strong enough that I can reflect on here for a few minutes a day without needing to bombard my mind with reminders to not drink. I don't feel the desire to drink like I used, I want to enjoy relaxing with alcohol, especially as I am feeling stressed and irritable anticipating the coming weeks, but I have better ways to cope now. I am going to reflect on my success away from alcohol and see if I can't further improve my quality of life. I am stepping back from here, not posting daily, and see what happens.

I am going to disagree with that, I think it comes across as things are going to constantly improve, life still happens to you. The things you didn't want to deal with that made you turn to alcohol are still going to be there. i think what does get better everyday is your acceptance, your skills, your disciplines in avoiding alcohol that seamlessly begin to become a part of you. That does get better. For instance, I naturally stopped drinking soda, going to the gym more. You have to fill the void that alcohol left. It just does not go away without something taking it's place. I am still recovering emotionally from my wife and her miscarriage, but I started at a 10 of being sad, 10 being absolute hopelessness. It has been so long since I experienced grief without alcohol I don't think I even remembered what it was like. I think the next time something kicks me in the balls it wont take me a month to get it together. I wont be sitting around for a month emotionally not dealing with it, I will feel it, I still do, but it's not going to be overwhelming. I also think it had been so long since I experienced true happiness that I thought I was becoming manic. I had never felt so good in my life before my wife's dilemma, I was feeling amazing. Again, probably just not used to feeling my emotions like that. I am going to go meditate, enjoy the rest of my tea, and probably post again on my 100 days. I think

June 15th, 2015, 11:36 AM
Yesterday was not the most enjoyable Sunday night I have had. I ate half a carton of ice cream, not feeling any better as I downed the thing. it reminded me so much of the last time I drank, I felt bad about myself while I was eating it. I think it is important to feel compassion for oneself, and I had forgotten that over the past few days. I have so many things I want to do and achieve, that I get discouraged whenever one thing comes up and gets in my way. Two weeks back I sunburned my back and couldn't really do grappling for a week, this discouraged me greatly. Partly because I am trying to get to my next rank to get to a level where I can teach it and make money, but also because it is my stress relief, exercising and martial arts always has been. So last week I had a refinance issue, since we are in the process of refinancing, it is just one more stressor that limits my training time and increases my stress level. My wife also officially quits working this week, and despite having income from her job until the end of August, she pointed out that would also increase my financial stress sicne she is going to go part time from now on.

So I choose to attack the day, I am going to continue working on my business, I have a new network marketing venture a friend got me into I am going to try, although very cautiously. I also have parkour and grappling on the side, as well as my personal training program I want to finish up this month. I am digging a lot of holes, I hope I am not spreading myself too thin.

June 21st, 2015, 04:32 AM
Checking in because it has been awhile, I have been thinking about drinking but not like in the past. Financially I still need to make more money, family wise things are better, wife just walking around angry, the sooner I knock her up again the better. Have a wedding in 2 weeks and I am not worried about drinking at all, just excited to see my friend get married. Health wise I still haven't been drinking soda, just tea and black coffee. I have started eating ice cream at the end of the day though, so I need to figure out a way to discipline that, not much point in not drinking soda if I am going to be eating half a carton every night. Still meditating, still feeling better and getting my energy back from the miscarriage depression. Right now my main goal is to finish my personal trainer program, keep doing bjj as much as I can, and not drink.

I keep catching myself with negative thoughts or having an uncomfortable thought that makes me want to distract myself with something like facebook or food. I think thisos the precursor to my drinking and o am still focused on trying to retrain my mind to love myself, reminding myself I don't need a reason to feel compassion/love for myself and I am deserving of my own love. Also striving to remember that I can't control others or their opinions, I should care more about if I like the people I meet when I walk into a room rather than if they like me. Overall a self-esteem overhaul would be great for me. I was so on top of the world a month ago and I want that feeling back. I just have to stay strong.

June 21st, 2015, 09:55 AM
Dutch, I hope you will jump back into the nest and participate. There seems to be a direct correlation to distancing oneself from support that leads down a path. Being part of a group is helpful, you gain strength from it, and accountability. At least, that is what I found. I was on vacation a couple weeks ago, and even tho I did check in every day, I could see how easy it would be to fall prey to 'those thoughts' and as we all know, thoughts lead to action. Stick with your support! Stay the course and everything else will work out! All the best, B

June 25th, 2015, 10:05 AM
Thanks Byrdlady, you may be right. I have been thinking about alcohol more, but I haven't acted on it. I have just been getting some extra ice cream for the end of the day to keep my mind occupied on nights I think about drinking. The only thing that bothers me is when I am eating my snack as my reward for getting through the day instead of alcohol, I don't get that mental release like I did before from alcohol. Of course, the last time I took a break before this one, I when I cheated I didn't really feel the mental release from drinking either. I'll try to stay active in the NN.

Yesterday I finally finished a refinance for the house, which is going to save us an extra 165 a month, which is great since my wife is no longer working full time to stay home with the kids. We have been trying to get pregnant again but of course she got her period this Monday, so naturally she hasn't been sleeping. Instead she has been staying up late at night till like 2:30, I on the other hand have the opposite mental defense mechanism and have been sleeping earlier to not think about my emotions. I find myself obsessing over trying to get her pregnant the next time she ovulates, probably with the unrealistic notion it will solve our emotional problems. I think it is definitely going to help, but I don't know for sure. Goal wise I have been going to BJJ but am taking the week off from weight training, I just don't feel it and am hoping it's just a bit of overtraining.

My dad is in the hospital for the 4th time this year, they are finally going to operate on his stomach which has been practically closed off for months. He is going for it, despite his poor health, because he is tired of being on an all liquid diet. He also hasn't been able to drink alcohol, which is the longest i know him to not be drinking, still smoking his e-cig, but it's a start. I worry that he is going to go right back to drinking if the surgery is a success, we shall see.

I have not spoken to my older brother, other than a text message for happy father's day. I convinced my older sister to text his wife about a "discussion" they need to have. They have not spoken for almost a year and my brother has refused to go to family events, we all think it is the wife. Since they had their secret baby last month, we are assuming they will not be around much, unless they need money or something. When my parents pass away I hope it's close together, otherwise since my dad won't be around to help their messed up family since they have no concept of saving, I worry my mother will make the rest of us kids chip in. Seems like a strange thing to worry about but I am tired of them acting so recklessly and asking for help, but then always having this better than thou attitude about people.

My twin is still dealing with his mental health issues, trying to cut back on his meds again because he has gained so much weight. In the past he has gained weight as well, but this time at least he looks strong too, not just overweight. I told him some advice, but he has such a rough time it can really be difficult for him to just get through the day. I know he really wants to lose weight but I think it is going to be a year long commitment to do it the right way and i don't think he is ready to give up alcohol yet.

June 29th, 2015, 08:09 PM
Well I finally accomplished a goal for this year, and am working 5 days a week instead of 6. I feel no happiness with this due to my financial goals, but need to just learn to accept that it is the right thing to do. I can't keep working 6 days a week if I want to enjoy my family as much as humanly possible, and now I am kicking ass for owning my own business. I make about 80k a year and my mandatory hours are about 26.5 hours a week I have to teach and work. That is pretty awesome. I am about as happy as I can be about that, and I have so much more time to pursue other ventures. As long as I can keep my numbers up at my job I am going to continue to cut my hours until it's my business and not my full time job.

I am going to continue training BJJ, and hopefully open up another market for it. I realized there is a second BJJ school on our street that is leaching out of another business. When I think of all the martial arts I have learned and trained in it's pretty crazy, I really want to expand my parkour program as well, but I think I would just have to teach it and take it to the next level. I would much rather pump out parkour videos before i am 30 than make money teaching it. I also have been working on doing the splits as a personal goal for myself, I think with my expanded learning in my personal training program I am doing that it has increased my understanding of flexibility enough that I can actually do it since I am so inherently tight.

I really feel although financially I am in a winter and may take a hit during the summer, the other areas of my life are really coming together. Personally I am kicking butt on the personal goal of not drinking, and can't believe I used to drink as much as I did. I did not do any weight training or meditation last week but definitely intend to pick that up again, I was just so tired. I thought I was going to pick up working out hard again but I think I bruised/cracked a rib, so it might be a rough couple of weeks.

August 16th, 2015, 03:49 PM
This in between place people are speaking of has really got me thinking how tired I am of being there. I decided to stop drinking back in February, and finally reached out to this forum for support feeling like I had been drinking too much on a weekend and starting the week off crappy. Abot two weeks in a family emergency involving attempted suicide made me so f it, and I started again the following Monday.

I was drinking 3-4 drinks a day, probably 7-8 measured drinks. My goal since I had read the harm reduction book was to keep it under 30 a week, so I would hit the gym with my workout buddy and that worked great except the nights he cancelled. Emotionally I was more relaxed then I am now, most activities I enjoyed that didn't involve exercise I usually enjoyed more with alcohol. I still struggle to do things to this day, and don't think I would call myself happier without alcohol

I am physically healthier, I am more present with my family, I don't look forward to drinking more than seeing them. I knowi can control aspects of my health now, and stopped drinking soda shortly after alcohol as well.

But I am not happy, and haven't been for months. I don't know if this is just feeling life, and happiness is supposed to come and go, but when I was drinking I had time t just be, no filters and no bullshit emotions of inadequacy. I drank to excess one day last year, otherwise it was the usual. I am pretty sure this is the relapse people talk about because why would anyone choose to feel this way when they could be drinking and feeling better. Sure am tired of it.


September 5th, 2015, 09:49 PM
I posted about how much better I felt yesterday but I immediately had a hard day afterwards. Still, nothing sobriety can't fix. I am still struggling to find an alternative to half baked Ben and jerrys ice cream, as I think it's got more sugar than the three sodas but at least it's got some fat in there to slow the absorption. My weight training is going great, bjj not so much. I want to get better at bjj yesterday, and like the idea of being an authority for martial arts in my community. If I can't train like a single young guy without any injuries, I at least want to be able to coach the best.

Halfway through my quit I hated my job, but I think that has come more from not appreciating the effect I have on kids. 90% of the people I teach are 4-10 and I think this age is very impressionable. If I can instill some values that improve the quality of these kids lives than good for me. That is an honorable profession, and really what more honorable profession than teaching people how to defend themselves?

I am worried about drinking again. I like my improved quality of life, but I am results oriented. I feel better, and have for a few weeks, but alcohol always made me feel better in the short term. This is one reason why meditating is important. When I have no distractions and instant gratification, there is a voice in my head that is constantly shouting, you should be stretching, get to grappling today, make sure you get cardio in, study for your personal trainer test, send your wife a loving text. He's a pain in the ass, but he is definitely in right. I had that voice after a few drinks too, and I would wake up and do them, looking forward to drinking that night and relaxing and getting refocused again. But that was not a pleasure I could continue endlessly.

I am starting to become happier, I still have some apprehensions about never drinking again, but I am getting by, and I think about it less and less.