Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

[witchywoman]

here is a little about me & why I am asking this question, i am 40 yrs old & a little over 12 months ago I had to move back in with my parents for several reasons (emotional burnout/stress, being made redundant) but in that time I have realised that my drinking has majorly escalated & I think I am finally begining to understand why, my father is a major Alkie, he is emotionally abusive & controlling, twic ein the last year he has been so drunk he has trashed my stuff, he constantly tell me how I have ruined his life, I try to stay out of his way, staying in my room, then he goes on about how I dont do anything. it doesnt matter what I do, or how hard I try, I have realised that it is always going to be the wrong thing. he makes his mind up with out listening to all the facts of a situation & it doesnt matter cause he is always right & I am always wrong.
my actual question is has anyone ever had to walk away from a family member because the relationship was so toxic & not conducive to emotional/mental health & maintaining their sobriety? how did you come to that realisation, and on a practical level, how do you walk away from a relaionship, that is bound by blood,
its just that i feel like as soon as I can move away I dont want to have anything to do with him, I dont want him in my life, I realised the othet night that the reason I never got married or had children was because of how much his behavior impacted me, & what I thought a family was, to me it was fear, not wanting to upset him so he woulnt fly into a rage, even as a small child I thoguht that having children ruined your life, (cause thats what I heard). now i am probably past any chance I had of having a family.
Just because he is my father, do I have to include him in my life? this isnt about blaming him for every thing in my life that is not great, but more the relisation taht he is never going to change, he doesnt want to, (as an example, i was with him when he got diagnosed with bowl cancer, the 1st thing he asked the doctor was "can I still have a beer" & by "a beer" he ment 5-6 glasses of bicardi every night) so do I have to stay in a relationship with him, he does not add anything of value to my life, I dont like him, he is not a nice person, If he wasnt my father, I would not choose to have such a person in my life? is it ok to walk away from such a relationship?
thanks for listening

[Wagoneer]

Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

I am early in my sobriety Witchy, but I can tell youy what I think. I believe that you need to stay away from anyone that threatens your well being and sobriety. Get yourself out of that emotionally abusive situation. It is OK to walk away from someone, blood or not, if they do not treat you as they should. I hope I am not being too bold but you should seek some counselling for those dad issues. I had to. My father was sexually, mentally and physically abusive until I was 9...it ruined me for years and made me make terrible choices in my life. Not until much later did I really benefit from what conselling taught me. That was after I married an abuser for 11 years and finally had the cajones to get the hell out. Best of luck to you.

[mollyka]

Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

Well Witchy, it is well documented here that I've walked away from all my family - entirely. I have had no contact whatsoever with my sisters their husbands my nephews nieces their children NONE. not to bore people senselessly again, I'll put it in a nutshell, they were toxic to me and my own children and husband and my late mother when she was very ill and old. I couldn't countenance them in my life in any shape or form. Up to about a year ago I physically shook when I thought anything would arise that would involve me hearing from them or about them. I feel nothing now but pity for the sad shaggers, they would be a terrible invasion in my life. I don't feel guilt or anything.
I would suggest you definitely take a break from your Dad, let him know why and then leave the ball in his court. If he knows to have you in his life he has to change, then that is up to him. Nobody is worth risking your sobriety for. I have one surviving uncle in England that i'm very fond of and for 2 years I dreaded when he would die cos I may have to meet them - now:bat - I'm so strong I could kick their asses if I choose. That's what living sober has done for me and NOBODY is taking that away from me.
Molly

[witchywoman]

Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

Thanks Molly & Wags
If I could leave I would, at th moment I am only working 20 hours a week & just over 1/2 my pay goes toward paying my loan off, I think this is why I havent been able to make it past 3 weeks, although now I have Anatabuse, that will be a different story,
Wagoneer, I heve thought about councilling so many times, again, its the money factor.
thank you both so much, Iam going to minimise my interaction with him as much as possible, I guess its one of those things you know in your heart its the right thing to do, just need to hear someone else agree with your take on teh situation
thanks
XX

[RedJib]

Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

I don't actually believe we can 'walk away' from relationships with our family, a realization I came to after noticing over several years that some of the most intense relationships I'd observed among people I know are with family members they have zero contact with. Just because people don't talk, write, email, etc, doesn't mean that the relationship isn't VERY much alive and present in their consciousness a great deal of the time. The emotional weight of all that reactivity in a relationship that goes on in one's mind can be just as unhealthy as the interaction between people who talk (and fight, etc) everyday.

That said, I'd still encourage you to physically get yourself out of your parents' home, even if it means some hardship. Being captive (maybe too strong a word, but you know what I mean) in a dependent relationship with others who exploit your vulnerability for whatever reason is guaranteed to breed unhappiness and resentment, and if you don't leave, that resentment will probably get turned inward. When that happens, you suffer and you can't get well. Leave, get out, then later when you have some distance, decide for yourself how much contact to have with them, on what terms, etc. Good luck.

[Guitarista]

Has anyone ever had to give up a family member to maintain their sobriety/sanitey?

Hi Witchy.

Since you ask, i say walk away now. As soon as you can. Did you know that you can pay back your loan, ANY loan at a monthly rate that you prefer? Yes you can. Get a free community financial councillor (Salvo's, anglicare, local council) to advocate for you, to be a go-between between you and loan company. Put your loan re-payments on hold now, and move out of there. Pay back your loan on YOUR terms, with what you can afford. Have enough left over to live as comfortably as possible. Grab your life by the horn's now, and take it back.

Forget your credit rating. It will probably be ok anyway, and it can alway's be repaired down the track, if that's a concern.

Your health is at stake here, right now, so do something about it this week. Make a phone call today.
Move out now, and reflect on your move later when you're settled. Take a deep breath and make it happen.

Best wishes, G-bloke.